Solar Opposites

I'm so flippin' stoked to finally go

to the newest, most-cash-grabbiest Instagram attraction in town:

the Sprinkle Museum.

I'm gonna take a thirst trap with every kinda sprinkle there is.

Jimmies, nonpareils, even the fucking blue ones!

Nobody's going anywhere.

I have to express your mounds.

The stink is attracting those giant spiders again.

Fuck that, no way.

Not the brusher.

Just let us be stanky!

- My mound, my choice. - Hell no.

I'm tired of slipping on pus when I'm doing my Tae Bo.

Bend over.

Jesse, hold this bag

and collect all the dribblings and the sprays.

- Ecch! It's gonna get on me. - Be proud.

'Tis one of the great Shlorpian honors

to hold the mound gunk satchel.

I'll never forgive you for this, Korvo! I hate you!

Woo-hoo! It tickles. It tickles.

- Do, do, do, do, do, do. - Ugh.

Get it all, Jesse!

We can pour it in molds and make our own gummy bears.

Ooh, are we getting our mounds expressed?

Me next, me next!

Alright, Terry, you can be next,

just drop your pants and let's see--

- - Jesus Jessica Parker.

What? - Terry, you have a human penis!

And you're human!

I'm, I'm a human

and I've got a slightly above average human penis!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do they always say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,

but then they never freeze time there.

If you're gonna cheat on your wife,

have the dignity to use a chrononullifier,

Anthony K. Delgado Jr.!

Wow. You gotta touch these ears.

I can't believe I got a penis and a nose and a dick

and a head full of hair and a schlong.

Jeepers. I can't believe you're actually human.

This is so cool.

Oh, my gosh. Do you have a butt hole?

I don't know. You tell me.

- He's got a butt hole. - He's got a butt hole.

- He's got a butt hole! - He's got a butt hole!

Oh, what kind of stuff should I put in it?

Ooh, give me that gunk wand!

Nuh-uh. Nobody's putting anything in Terry's butt hole.

Except me. After we figure out how this happened.

Oh, come on. You never let me put anything in anything.

Damn it. It's just as I feared.

Terry's body transformation is

a natural Shlorpian reaction to being on the planet

for too long without the Pupa terraforming it.

What does that have to do with it?

His physical form has adapted to better assimilate

among the planet's dominant species.

Blade? Am I a Daywalker?

No! Humans!

How come it happened to Terry first?

Because he's weak-minded and succumbed to the temptations

of human culture long before you two did.

That's me, baby.

Succumbin' to the temp-tache of the cultch.

Will me and Jesse turn human too?

Of course! You two have succumbed to popular culture as much as Terry.

Jesse with boy-toyin' and Yumyulack with your tea-bagging.

At least we'll be humans together.

Ha! I will remain a perfect shade of blue

because I haven't succumbed to a single temp-tache.

I'm Shlorpian ride or die. No cap.

Is it too late to do anything about it?

The transformation takes six months to become permanent.

It's like when you're making panna cotta, the cream has to set.

I hate when Korvo compares things to panna cotta.

The Book of Boba Fett versus Alien vs. Predator

is nothing like panna cotta.

Well, I guess we just kick back and enjoy watching me

get snackier and drippier by the day!

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm gonna go to Cos' and get linen pants.

No, it's too dangerous to wait.

Being Shlorpian is who we are, and we can't lose that.

We must leave Earth immediately.

Being in outer space will cause you to revert

to your natural form.

But, but, but what about the Sprinkle Museum?

They just disinfected from the meningitis.

No! There'll be no sprinkle selfies today.

Everyone to the ship!

Where the fuck's my ship?

Hold on, does this mean the ship can actually be flown around?

I thought it was broken. That's kind of a big deal, you know?

The ship has worked since last year

when I turned into goo.

I didn't tell you because everyone was having such a good time

as a team here on Earth.

Aww, that's so sweet.

Being sweet was wrong!

I should have stayed harsh.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you guys didn't know

the ship works.

I take it out every Sunday when Korvo isn't watching.

What? How?

You can't even use the transmogrifier without burning your hands.

You made me read the manual, like, a hundred times

under threat of death!

Fuck, that's right.

Okay, fine, well, where is it then?

Um, I recently borrowed it

for one of my iconic Friday through Sunday "Terry Freak-ends."

Dang, this new human brain runs hot and slow.

Havin' a hard time remembering the deets.

Do you really not remember or are you just saying

you don't remember because you wanna stall

and do shit in your human body before we leave.

- A little bit of both. - Terrald!

Look, I just wanna experience what being human's like.

Anyway, I'll be back. Byeeeee!

Terry, get back here, we have to find the ship!

Oh!

Fucking spiders! Damn it!

Okay, our only course of action is to blow the horn

that calls giant monsters out of the sea and use them to hunt down Terry

and force him to tell us where the ship is.

It'll cause devastating earthquakes

and most of us won't survive, but it's our only option left.

Shit!

I don't know what you're so worried about.

Every time Terry runs away,

you know he comes crawling back when he realizes

this is where all his action figures are stored.

Usually, he hasn't lost the ship full of all the stuff

that makes me awesome.

Guys, guys, guys.

I found Terry's Veronica's Closet lunchbox.

Maybe there's something in these treasures

that could tell us where he went.

Phoenix feather, that bullet you guys bought,

a witch's finger.

Oh! A roll of 35-millimeter film marked "freak-end."

To the dark room. Yes! Woo!

I'll be there in a minute.

Keep sucking, get all around the rim.

Look, Terry went to MTV's Spring Break: Running of the Bulls.

The ship must still be in Pamplona.

Tight! I'll get the hover platform.

It's on the ship along with all the other stuff

that makes our lives so easy breezy.

So how on God's green earth are we getting to Spain?

An airplane?

No, we're still trying to get off the no-fly list

for that time Terry tried to join the Mile High Club

by himself in the aisle.

Luckily, Mr. Awesome Genius foresaw this possibility

and constructed a secret backup vehicle

and stored it in an underground bunker

in the backyard a year ago.

Now all we need to do is buy some shovels.

I guess Mr. Awesome Genius didn't think

to leave himself a tunnel.

I think you like an excuse to go to the hardware store.

I do not.

Hey, Dale, how's that shed going?

Get that hinge on.

Maurice! Upgrading the old pergola!

That's gonna be peaceful as fuck.

This would be a lot faster if we had the shovel ray.

Well, thanks to Terry, we don't.

God knows what that selfish fuck is up to right now.

Oh.

Damn, you're human as fuck.

Thank you. You wanna see my human penis?

Fuck yeah. Whip it out.

Okay. This should be it. My secret vehicle.

Oh, no, the robots from season one.

Shut the door before they talk or we'll have to pay em'!

Okay, here we go, this is it.

Behold the Hammerhead 2.