Saturday Night Live

Oh, Patty, I'm so happy you didn't have to spend the holidays in that awful prison.

Me too, sis.

Well, I'm very thankful.

We have so much to be thankful for.

The worst is over.

You're home.

And we're still rich.

Okay, now look at this.

We've got shelter on the board here, so...

That's T...

A...

X.

Tax shelter.

A triple word score on the X.

That's 44 points.

Very good, Randy.

Now, let's see.

That's father...

391.

Mother, 304.

Ann, you have 217.

And Patty, 37.

Well, I'm not very good at Scrabble.

You should try for longer words, Patty.

I mean, pig and gun aren't gonna get you many points.

Go ahead, honey.

It's your turn.

Okay.

There.

What's that word supposed to be?

Slaw?

Like in coleslaw?

You don't spell slaw, S-L-A.

Cheater!

Oh, now, come on, girls.

There, there, really.

Now, Ann, Patty's not cheating.

She's just confused, okay?

Oh, Patty's confused.

It's always Patty this and Patty that.

Well, you wanna know who the real victim is?

Me!

Now, come on, girls, please.

Here comes Miss Patty's favorite, Big Nog a la Franklin.

Thank you, Franklin.

You're welcome, missus.

Mmm, it's good.

Thank you very much, Franklin.

Yes.

Franklin, do you feel exploited by my family?

Uh, why, no, Miss Hurst.

I don't feel exploited.

Franklin, take next week off.

You deserve it.

Thank you, sir.

Why don't we put away the Scrabble game and just relax with some TV?

Good idea.

Let's escape into the TV.

Tonight on SWAT, a wealthy newspaper heiress is kidnapped.

A

building accomplice in a bank robbery on Hawaii.

Tonight on Cinema Classics, Orson Welles' immortal citizen Kane.

We at KNOO feel that Patty has been exploited by the media.

Where is the decency that should be afforded this young girl who has undergone

such...

What show is this?

Oh, it's NBC Saturday Night.

It's my favorite show.

I used to watch it all the time in prison.

I could always depend on it being tasteful.

Oh, here's my favorite part where they say, Live from New York, it's Saturday

Night!

NBC Saturday Night.

Starring Candace Pulligan.

With her special guest, Frank Zappa.

And the not-ready-for-prime-time players, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Kane Kirtland,

Garrett Morris, Lorraine Newman, and Gilda Ratcher.

Ladies and gentlemen, Candace Bergen.

Candy, they're waiting for you.

You've got to come out.

The show's started.

Um, I really can't do it, Jane.

I'm just too frightened.

Candy, that's silly.

You've done the show before and it was great.

Well, it's just that I only did it to be close to him, Jane.

Don't you see, when I was with him, I wasn't afraid of anything.

Candy, forget him.

He's not worth it.

No man is.

Especially John Belushi.

I can't forget him, Jane.

We shared so much together.

When he held me in his arms, we had something special.

Candy, that was cellulite you felt.

It's not cellulite.

John just gives that appearance on television.

He explained it to me.

The camera makes him look 50 pounds heavier.

Jane, what's the matter?

It's John again.

I don't understand it.

What is this power that Belushi has over women?

I mean, they go bonkers over him and all he does is walk all over them.

She won't come out?

No.

I'll find John.

Stay with Karen.

Okay.

Candy, look what you're doing to yourself.

I don't care, Jane.

Why won't John at least talk to me?

Because he's an animal.

That's why I love him.

Candy, he's no good.

He's had his way with every single woman on this network.

Why do you think Barbara Walters left?

It wasn't Candy.

It was Belushi.

Candy, come on.

Please.

I'm sorry, Jane.

I'll take care of this.

Candy, get out of here.

John?

Oh, John.

Candy.

Listen, Candy, baby, I know how you feel, but it's over.

You're just angry, that's all.

Listen, John, I'll do anything.

I don't care.

What do you want me to do?

It's not you, Candy.

It's me.

How many times do I have to tell you?

It's for your own good.

Don't you understand?

I'll only hurt you.

I know, I know.

That's what I want, John.

John, nice guys are a dime a dozen.

I'm attracted to swill.

I wouldn't believe anything you told me right now.

You'd say anything to get what you want.

John, can't you just think about us?

There is no us, Candy.

All you can think about is yourself.

One woman hurts you and you just take it out on the rest of the world.

You're a coward and a weakling.

I'm sorry, John.

I'm really sorry.

Did I hurt you?

Yes, very much.

I really wouldn't.

I'm so sorry.

You know I'd never do anything to hurt you.

You're the first man I've ever loved.

Yes, and I love you too.

That's why I want to get you out there on that stage.

Are you not just saying that to make me go?

I'm saying that because it's the truth, Sandy.

Candy.

It's the truth, and you know it.

You have to get out there.

Now listen.

Look.

I'm no good at being noble.

But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount

to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

See, inside of us, we both know that you belong on that stage.

You're a part of the show.

The thing that keeps it going.

And if that show starts, you're not on it.

You'll regret it.

I won't.

No.

Maybe not now.

Maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

For the rest of your life.

Last plane for Lisbon now departing.

What about us, John?

Well.

We still have Paris.

And the Muppets.

Just looking at you, kid.

Better go.

Mr. Rick.

Miss Elsa.

Oh, Sam.

Boy, you sound as good as ever.

That's enough, Sam.

You can close up for the night.

All right, Mr. Rick.

Listen.

Candy.

It's a good show, and maybe, just maybe, afterwards, we could have a drink later.

My place?

It's fine.

The thing is, I don't even know if you're going to show up.

You're such a filthy liar, you've never told me the truth.