Happy Endings

Yes, Sir.

Correct, Sir. Absolutely, Sir.

Your bed it's already made, Sir.

***

Pops is coming into town.

Oh! Nice.

Is he still the most terrifying dad on the face of the planet? Mm-hmm.

Guys, he's not that scary. He pulled a sword on me at your wedding.

Okay, first of all, he was in full military dress.

Second of all, you drove my grandma's rascal into a

pool. Okay, your grandma and I were going shot for shot,

And I was just-- ugh! You know that guy jeremy

That I thought was so a-mah-zing? Mm-hmm.

He just pexted me. Penis text. (jane) "pext"?

Oh. Oh.

wow. That's not worth it. Whoa, that is small.

Alex and I are in such a boy slump. Whoa, whoa. Back up. I am not in a slump.

I'm not even trying to date anyone.

Girl slumps do not exist.

Do you want to know a foolproof way for a girl to break a slump?

Step one--decide to have sex. Step two--have some sex.

Oh! Women be shopping. Women be shopping. They do.

It's not about intercourse.

It's about meeting someone who's cool and nice,

And if intercourse happens to take place, no complaints. Maybe you're in a slump

'cause you keep using the word "intercourse."

want to know what jane calls "intercourse"?

no. Doing the "straight-up..."

beep! (speaks indistinctly)

la, la, la, la. "...In sexy time valley."

Oh! Oh. Oh, really?

You want me to pext him back? If you're gonna do that, give it to brad.

Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.

Max, just calling to make sure you remember the toilet paper,

The bread, and we're almost out of ketchup. I got none of that crap.

but guess what I did get.

Oh, no, he didn't.

Oh, yes, he did.

Dude, aren't we a little old for toys? On

the box, it says "ages 8 and up." that's us.

I work all day, I buy all the groceries,

I do all the cooking-- and I appreciate that. You're like my mom, but hotter.

Come on, man, I s really counting on that toilet paper.

Well, then why don't you clean your charlie sheen with this?

My turn.

What? What. Huh!

I'm out of bullets! I'm out of bullets, too!

What do we do?! We call the homeless swede down the block

And tell him to be our ammo jockey!

We could just pi 'em up off the tv. (speaks indistinctly)

yeah, I don't want him going through my house.

So what do you wanna do with your dad tonight? He's gotta go to bed early.

He's going to the hospital for some tests tomorrow morning. What kind of tests?

M.R.I., cat scan, E.K.G. Routine stuff. Routine?

Oh, yeah, sure. No, my morning routine is a cup of coffee,

A mammogram, and a camera up my va-jane-a.

Are you sure everything is okay? Totally. And if it wasn't,

I'm sure he would've talked to me about it. Really?

'cause I kinda feel like you guys don't talk that much.

7:30. No.

Scottie pippen.

I mean, more than just "what time is the bulls' game?"

"are you going?" and "if you had to sleep

With one bull, who would it be?" okay, first of all, that's not what he asked me,

But if he did, the answer is b.J. Armstrong.

You don't get that name for nothin'. Clean it up.

What? His arms are strong. I'm just saying, he might be scared about these tests.

I think you should really talk to him about

it. (sighs) fine. If it'll make you feel better,

I'll talk to him, if there's an opening.

Great. And stop cleaning. The place looks great.

Why you getting all "jane" on me? Why do

you keep putting your name in every sentence?

'cause that's how I jane. No.

okay, my dad is always on time,

So he should be here

In approximately three, two, one.

Oh.

Sorry I'm late.

Hi, francis.

Uh...

Bags.

Okay, we are breaking the slump. I feel good about tonight!

excuse me, ladies.

These ribs are from the gentleman across the bar.

And I feel less good. Who sends over ribs?

We're turning this into a drinking game, okay?

We'll talk to as many guys as we can.

The first sign of creepiness, we take a shot. Yeah! I love it. Yeah!

("gonna make you sweat "

playing) how about we retire to my apartment,

Where we can enjoy what the french call sauvignon blanc?

It's not sexist if it's racist.

Then we can do what the french call le 3-way sex.

You know, I'm always thinking about what's next for me... (alex) mm.

Sure. In the afterlife.

Boom. Boom. Bing. bam!

Sarah palin--if she were black--

You guys don't know what you're--forget it.

I'm getting a "no" from this side... Pfft.

And a "maybe"?

Wow. There are zero cool guys.

Slump continues.

I don't know. I'm kinda

rethinking the rib guy. Do you need a wet-nap?

That's the way I eat 'em. I can't watch this.

You just gotta take it down, like a champ.

So...

Brad, here we all are.

Great time to ask people how people are feeling

About things that are... Happening.

Mmm.

Uh, yeah, dad, I wanted to ask you how you felt about, um,

That new '91 bulls documentary. I very much enjoyed it.

It's nice to go back to the days when basketball meant more

Than getting neck tattoos

And shooting your pistol off in the club.

Or passing around a kardashian. What's that?

Uh, there's these--these girls and a sex tape-- so, francis...

Doctors are looking under the old hood tomorrow?

How you feeling about that? Well, you know, you always worry a little bit.

It's only natural. I'll be all right.

Totally.

Well, I'm gonna turn in. Got a busy day tomorrow.

Jane. Good night.

Bradley.

What the hell was that? What?

Didn't you see me make the "opening" gesture? Oh, that's what that was?

I thought you were separating two boxing mice.

That's what you thought this was? (chuckles)

Oh, yeah. No, now I see it. Yeah. The little white one

And the brown guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the brown guy with little boxing gloves.

what's that one's name? The brown one? Mice tyson.

Oh, mice tyson! So cute. I love them.

Anyway, he gave you an opening.

I mean, it was a clear shot. Why didn't you take it? My dad and I are fine.

Have you and father ever even said "I love you" to each other? We don't have to say it

Because we show it by not saying it.

Like how the mountains never say it to the sea,

And yet the sea knows? All right, do you ever think about these things

Before you say them or just-- yeah, I do. I think, "wow. That's brilliant.

I should say that out loud," and then I say it out loud,

And it's spectacular. It exceeds my expectations.

Right.

I'm drunk. (sighs) tonight was a bust. Let's go.

I dvr'd that new weight loss show for clairvoyants--

"large mediums." whoa. Pump the brakes, sister. Two gorgeous guys,

incoming.

Hello, kind sirs.

Of course. They only speak gibberish. We finally meet two supercute guys,

And they only speak italian.

(speaking italia

Oh, my god! I speak a lot of italian!

Still gibberish.

You guys don't say "I love you" to your dads, right?

All the time. When I need money, so all the time.

'cause jane says I need to open up to my dad

About feelings and stuff. If we're gonna have this emo conversation,

I'm gonna need you to put on the hat. (groans) fine.

There ya go.

Aw, buddy, look, if it's really a concern for you,

Just tell him that you love him. I mean, life is uncertain.

One minute you're talking about your dad going into the hospital

For some tests and stuff,

And the next minute... This happens.

oh! Come on, guys!

Not my sex nose!

Tests came back fine.

thank god. You're lucky to have such a healthy father.

That's great news. Thank you.

You know, jane, I've been thinking about what you said,

And I feel like this is the perfect opening

For me to tell him I love him.

Yeah. You gotta do it.

(woman speaks indistinctly over p.A.)

I love you, dad. Why are you saying that to me?

you never said that to me before. Wait. Why are you

Doing this with your chest, man? Are they gonna cut me open?

Am--am I gonna die? No.

am I gonna die? I-I can't die. I got stuff I got to do.

am I-- am I gonna die, doc? I'm scared.

So I said "I love you" to my dad,

And it almost killed him. Never doing that

again. He just had a panic attack. He's fine.

It's good that you guys said "I love you" to each other.

Yeah. Funny story, though.

He never actually said it back to me. But, you know, it's okay.

He's my dad. He's a really reserved guy.

Good morning, party people! Huh?

I feel amazing. I feel like I'm alive for the first time,

And I got somethin' to say. Brad...

Yeah? I love...

This tracksuit.

Man, it is so comfortable! So much dangle room.

Look at that! Hey, look, can I buy this from you? Dad, you can have it.

You'd do that for me? Of course.

Brad.

I love...

This tracksuit so much.

It just feels so good. You know what I want to do?