Number One with a Bullet

Hey.

That was great.

Great.

Why the hell would you wanna be

a cop?

Why not?

That sounded great.

Uh, Wynton Marsalis I'm not.

I don't know.

- Good evening. - Hi.

Compliments of the house.

Thank you, darling.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

Here's to you, kid.

And you.

Now, that's why I'm a cop.

You get paid money when you're a cop.

Mm.

- My cop chops are better than my hard chops.

Actually, I prefer the classics.

Hmm.

Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

However, Tchaikovsky was purely classical.

Stravinsky, on the other hand, is

like listening to Charlie Parker.

He incorporates the classical with improvisation,

a melody, and a variation on a melody.

You follow?

Yeah, I just can't believe you're a cop.

Why?

You're so sensitive.

Oh.

I thought all cops were jerks.

- Not all of 'em, honey, just the good ones.

Oh.

I'm Nick Berzak.

I'm Frank's partner.

Hi, Nick.

How you doing?

Pretty good.

- Frank been telling you about his police exploits?

- Actually, we were talking about classical music and jazz.

- Well, let me tell you something about Frank.

Frank Hazeltine is the best cop I've ever seen.

I've seen some good ones.

You know, I once saw Frank go into a bar full of dikes

and kick the shit out of all of 'em?

Then, he burned the place to the ground

just to teach 'em a lesson.

He's just kidding.

- Don't be shy, man. - Oh.

- Did you tell her about the nine-year-old kid

you blew away last week?

It was all a mistake, actually.

I mean, the kid had a water pistol, and it looked real.

Now, most of us would've waited, not Frank.

He blasted the kid right between the eyes.

Had to bury the little fucker in a rubber bag.

Oh.

If you'll excuse me, I really have to be going.

Oh, uh, wait a minute.

Hey, hey, don't go.

It gets better.

You're sick.

What's the matter with her anyway?

Fuck you, acid gut.

- You didn't wanna go to bed with that airhead anyhow.

I mean, she'd probably take you back to her place,

and you'd have the best sex

of your entire life, so big deal.

Did Teresa turn you down against, putz?

No way.

I had to hold her off with a cattle prod.

- When are you gonna give up on that woman?

- I cannot help it if I'm in love with her, all right?

Look. - You like that?

The hell with women, all right.

Who needs 'em?

It's just you and me, Frank.

I'm not going.

Come on, man.

You'll love it.

- How long have you been staking out DaCosta,

and what have you got to show for it?

Total zip.

The man is a sleaze.

I intend to prove it.

You are a very sick man.

You know that?

Yeah.

Oh.

Making me sick eating that garbage.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't insult the good name of El Maya, pal,

Just 'cause you can't get alfalfa sprout with truffles.

You know what I mean?

- You really don't care anything about your stomach, do you?

Yeah, it's my stomach.

Put whatever I want in it.

True, you got that right.

Oh, Harry, you're too good for me.

Mr. DaCosta, Mr. Pogue's here.

I'll see him in the study.

Sir.

I was just getting warmed up.

That's it for tonight, honey.

I've got business.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

- And then, uh- - Read a book or something.

You do read, don't you?

So, you're Pogue.

You come highly recommended.

This is the gentleman we discussed.

Right, the, uh, talkative guy?

You, uh, want me to do it, you know, slow?

No, no, there's no need for that.

He's an old friend.

- One thing, you know you're being watched?

Yes, Berzak, a cop.

Actually, he's a fanatic.

Forget it.

I'm not worried.

I'll get it.

Hi.

Hello, Speed.

Couldn't have mailed it.

I don't trust the mail.

It's a week late.

Sorry.

Really.

Can I come in?

I was just about to go out.

Just for a minute, I wanna talk.

Fine, fine.

Just for a minute.

Yeah.

Changed this place around.

Where's my walleye?

What?

My walleye.

I threw it back.

You dumped my walleye?

That was the largest walleye caught in Bay Lake, Minnesota.

That was a record.

Did you know that? - Then, why didn't you take

it to your place?

'Cause I'm not settled in yet.

- Oh, Jesus, Nick, it's only been two years.

- Hey, well, I'm slow to adjust psychological upheaval.

Besides, I didn't come here to argue with you.

Then, what did you come here for?

You wanna go to dinner?

No, I don't think so.

No.

Why not?

You got something going on?

You got a guy coming over, don't ya?

Yeah.

What, he's gonna come over, and he's gonna take you

to a movie, buy a real big dinner,

and then you're gonna put on the sexy underwear

that I bought for you

that you'd never wear for me. - That's it.

Get outta here now.

- Hey, I cleared my whole calendar for you this evening.

Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Aren't we watching DaCosta's house any longer?

I don't do that anymore.

Please, leave.

- Hey, I got better things to do with my time, all right?

- Fine. - Yeah.

- Go. - Uh-huh.

Goodbye, Nick.

Saturday at 8:00.

- Hey, Nick. - Yeah.

I got a cut on my knee.

'Kay, what do you got?

- She had a guy over to visit her this week,

a guy in a red Corvette.

Well, all right, darling, that's good.

Keep up the good work, okay?

Hey.

- Me? - Yeah.

You going to see Teresa Berzak?

Uh, yeah, I am.

You're not her husband, are you?

No, I'm her physician.

You're not one of her contacts, are you?

Uh, I'm afraid I don't understand what-

Oh, don't worry, man.

I think we caught it in the early stages.

She's probably gonna tell you about it right now anyhow.

See, it's very important getting in touch

with all her friends in her, uh, intimate circle.

Have a good day, man.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Thanks. - Sure.