Magical Girl Friendship Squad

It's crazy that we haven't defeated this thing yet,

considering how many succulents I've killed by accident.

This succ' just sucks extra hard.

Tom Selleck Bong Tank Hydro Blast!

Ouch. That hurt, you drought-resistant prick.

Okay, class.

Let's, uh, come out of the deep meditation

that I definitely led you into on purpose.

I see you did not make it out unscathed.

Yeah. I guess the thing broke skin.

A laceration like that from an otherworldly monster

is vulnerable to otherworldly infections.

Eh, don't sweat it. I'll just take

one of my patented hotbox showers.

They heal all wounds.

I have seen your shower, and it is a not a place of healing.

Oh, someone's fancy.

Let me guess, you also think it's gross

that I stick my finger in my belly button

- because I secretly love the smell. - Ugh.

- You do that? - No.

Sup, slut?

What? Hello?

Nut was right.

This shower might as well be caked in pure shit.

You filthy little piglet slut.

Oink.

Oh, crap.

Quick, create a diversion by throwing me down the stairs.

Hey, Lou-Lou.

How's my favorite tenant?

Oh, I'm at a ten out of ten... ant.

Good one, Alex. See you at Mahjong later?

You know it, Lou-Lou girl.

I have never once seen Lou-Lou laugh.

Is she about to evict us?

Or kill us?

- Or evict us and then kill us? - No.

She's just not pissed for once.

I've been making so much money at Aggregon,

I paid our rent and Internet through next month.

You what?

I am going after life so hard right now.

I might even talk to Coffee Dude today.

You what?

- Coffee Dude. - Coffee... Lady.

What's up? Working hard or hardly working?

Working pretty hard.

- I just started a gig at Aggregon, actually. - Wow.

You got an Aggregig? Congrats.

Alex is riding this numbskull's limp dick so hard

it's coming out of her nose.

She can't wait to wife him up

and move out of your crusty skid mark of an apartment.

Did anybody hear that?

- Did someone just say something? - I said,

- "What have you been up to?" - I, uh, you know.

- Same old same. - Wow, you're a fucking loser.

Hey, screw you, man. You're a loser.

- Whoa... Sorry, I-I d... - Whoa, girl. Chill.

What the hell, dude?

It's these magical mushroom things.

They're talking to me.

Dais, I know you're not working right now,

but don't you think it's a little early

in the day for shrooming?

Not those kinds of magic mushrooms.

I'm not on drugs, Alex. I'm sick.

Okay, geez. Then go to the doctor.

You know I don't have health insurance.

I mean, I would be included on yours

if you hadn't selfishly refused to marry me.

Uh, she's joking. I am extremely unmarried.

Never been married. Which is wild,

because I'd make an amazing wife.

Just go to the urgent care where your ex works.

Do you want to hang out later sometime?

Not "sometime." Later?

Sure. That'd be cool.

I was so happy to hear from you.

Anything you need, anytime.

Even if it's 3:00 in the morning. Uh, really.

Look at this cut.

- Isn't it freaky? - Your student loans

are getting bigger every second you sit here, dipshit.

It's a pretty small cut. You definitely don't need stitches.

See, piss-pube? You're such a boring tote bag full of boogers

you can't even bleed in a cool way.

You don't see this?

Can you really not hear those tiny screams?

Do you want to go for a walk?

It-it might help to talk about it.

Uh, sunlight is a great disinfectant.

- You're crazy. - No, I'm not!

I mean, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Thanks.

Well, she'd have health insurance

if she hadn't refused to marry me.

Okay, little mushrooms.

You're not real, and you don't know me.

We know you're too cowardly to tell your parents

you don't believe in their turd-brained cult,

'cause then Mommy and Daddy won't love you anymore.

Alex is gonna buy a condo

with her yuppie cloud-fucker friends at Aggregon,

and you're going to be all alone,

struggling to open a cold can of beans for dinner.

Even your superpowers aren't yours.

You have to get them from a magical bong

because you're a pathetic stoner

with weirdly skinny ankles.

Daisy, is everything okay?

The duration of your shower is approaching three hours.

I told you your cut could get infected, and it appears it did.

You can see them. And hear them?

I can see them, but only an infected host

can hear her parasites.

What are they?

They're so mean.

They are called Mushruminations.

As an immortal being, I'm immune.

Cool flex. So what do I do?

Mushruminations are difficult to eradicate.

The best tactic is confidence.

How can I be confident when there's a voice in my ear

telling me that if David Bowie were alive,

he'd think I was a narc and a poser?

You cannot let their attacks upset you.

They thrive on stress.

Okay, so I'll do what I usually do when I'm stressed

and throw myself into a project.

Not exactly what I meant.

We also need to be sure to contain the infection.

Who else have you had physical contact with today?

Hi, can I try these on?

Thanks. Got to find the perfect first date outfit.

Well, it might not be a date. First hang.

But I don't want it to look like I bought an outfit for him.

It's for me, so that I feel confident. For him.

- You know? - Yeah.

I don't think a new outfit

will help whatever's going on with you.