Love Bitten

Thank you.

What for?

For the time we've had together.

Oh, yeah, no, it was fun.

Like, you've been lovely, genuinely.

- I have been fucking lovely.

But like, you know, Alex,

it's not you.

I got you--

Oh, oh my. - Ah.

- I'm so sorry, I must-- - No, it's fine.

- That felt fucking amazing.

God, I should've done that on purpose.

- Sorry, that wasn't meant to be malicious or anything.

No, I know.

I got your toothbrush.

Thanks.

- I should've rubbed it in shit.

Oh God, I am a terrible human being.

What am I doing with my life?

I could be a villain.

I'm gonna become a vampire. (guitar strums) - Right.

Didn't you have to get bitten?

I'm love bitten, Dave.

I don't wanna kill for no reason,

you know what I mean, I just,

I want purpose.

My friend once wrote this screenplay

about a teenage boy who was looking for his purpose.

Did he find it?

Find what?

His purpose.

- Oh, no, no, just ended with him walking into the ocean and

having a wank.

Whatever floats your boat.

No, semen doesn't float, Dave.

Semen doesn't float.

In all seriousness, mate,

how're you actually planning on becoming a vampire?

- Yeah, here we fucking go,

time to fulfill my destiny.

Yeah, right.

Step one, swallow pills.

Step two, become a vampire.

Alex?

What are you doing?

Yeah.

Turns out being a vampire's kind of stressful,

so I've decided to get some weed.

- Why are you, why aren't you wearing any clothes?

'Cause it's mortals' day.

Look, this is really weird.

- Look, look, I've decided who I'm gonna hunt.

What?

- Dave, I've decided who I'm gonna hunt for blood. - Right, what, who?

White van drivers.

- Alex, why are you going to hunt white van drivers?

- Because they think they fucking own the roads, man,

and trust me, Dave, there's really absolutely

not that many people in the world that I hate,

but those guys, fucking white van drivers,

they are the biggest fucking,

I, I can't even think of a word for them to,

that is literally how much I hate them, Dave.

They don't give a fuck if they cut you up or they scratch your car.

What's wrong with scratching a white transit van, hmm?

Be for ordinary people, Dave.

You know, you, me,

or, what I was.

Innocent people, Dave.

We have to pay a crazy premium on our insurance.

Fuck white van drivers.

I need a cape. - And some clothes.

Alex, I, I didn't think you were actually being serious.

I need something vampiric and agile.

Alex, you got a fucking erection.

Yeah.

Fucking white van.

- For just, (clears throat) for, for, for justice.

For justice.