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Remember, you guys can have a deep too!

And don't be afraid to play with the...

Ruuubber spiiider!

I'll ask again...

Are you sure I can't bring anything?

I don't understand.

We're having a party,

before we're going to the real party?

Sometimes, I think you young people

are just making this crap up.

It's a pre-party!

It's informal, intimate,

and just for us.

And I told you guys you didn't have to dress up.

Oh, we were wearing this when you called.

Yeah, when we dress up, you'll know it.

There's nothing in your playlist but spooky party,

the Beetlejuice soundtrack, and NPR podcasts.

Ooh! We could listen to one of those!

I have Michele Norris

interviewing Errol Morris.

Don't worry, they address it.

Okay, let's make this quick.

I got three more polite appearances to make tonight.

What? I'm one of the Fast and Furious guys.

Which one?

Oh, I don't know. I don't watch that shallow crap.

I just pick a costume girls will like.

Jeff, can I have a quick conversation with you?

Doubtful, but I support the dream.

Remember last week, when I made you guys fill out

those anonymous personality tests for my psych class?

Listen, if you dropped them in another puddle--

No, I processed the results, as per my assignment.

And, Jeff, one of our friends is...

Deeply disturbed.

Trick or Dean!

Don't forget to come by our Halloween scare-tacular dance,

starting in the cafeteria at 9:30.

Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker

because it's Halloween!

It's been happening for a week.

Halloween week!

So the lights will work on November 1st?

All Saint's day...

Month!

I'm sorry, you were about to get ridiculous?

Look!

One of the tests came back

with 70 out of 75 red flags

for an extreme personality disorder.

Extreme, Jeff!

Like a dorito?

A sociopathic dorito.

A cool ranch lunatic.

Only instead of Zest, Jeff,

one member of our study group has...

Homicidal tendencies.

I think one member of our study group

is an overzealous psych major.

You probably just Britta'd the test results somehow.

No. I double-checked them.

Wait.

Are people using my name

to mean "make a small mistake"?

Yes.

Let's make this party fast and furious,

in that order.

Yeah, I want to go to the dance.

I heard the Dean's got free taco meat from the army.

We can go to the dance in a bit.

But first, why don't we tell some scaaary stories?

Good!

I'll start with a story about a horrible fate

befalling innocent people,

and then I'm curious to get individual reactions.

Once upon a time,

there was a couple in a car in the woods

making out or something.

I think I heard something.

It's just the sound of my heart, baby.

Mmm.

In the news tonight, top story:

An escaped convict from the asylum has escaped,

and he's mental and he's on the loose and stuff.

Oh, my God. That sounds dangerous.

Oh, I'm sure it's no biggie,

but I am a horny man.

I'm only half-present.

He was last seen in the woods and has a thingy for a hand,

a hook thing where his hand should be.

- You know what I mean. - That sounds dangerous.

Fine, I'll get out and look.

But then I'm entitled to sex.

I'm getting stabbed with his hook hand thing.

Oh, my God! No!

I was right!

And the woman was screaming and screaming

and the man got killed.

- Abed? - Yep?

How did that story make you feel?

- Embarrassed. - That's an odd reaction.

Seems fair.

What embarrassed you about it?

I didn't care about the characters.

Didn't care about them?

They were stupid.

They deliberately put themselves in danger,

and, when they were warned about it,

the guy got out of the car.

Do you believe because he was stupid

he deserved to die?

What the hell kind of party is this?

I suppose, from a creative standpoint,

some characters deserve to die.

Ones that lack common sense or even basic survival instinct.

Your story's not scary because the characters

are making choices the audience wouldn't make.

Plus, you need a smarter lead. Here, like this.

It's a dark, cold night in the woods.

We establish a traditional log cabin,

then cut to--

Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be

intimate in safety, because it's not the 50s,

so we don't have to park a car and neck at inspiration point.

That makes sense.

I'm turned on by how logical you are.

I'm comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry.

Well, I just brushed my teeth,

so this would be the optimal time to kiss.

Enjoyable. Soft lips.

Just the right level of moisture.

- Would you like to do it again? - No.

We should listen to the news on this radio.

I brought it as a cautionary measure,

because this cabin is within walking distance

of the local insane asylum.

Oh, is that why you were able to rent it

- at such a reasonable rate? - Yes.

I hope you're as fertile as I am tonight.

- More. - Ahh.

Abed!

Why are you doing the whole song?

They wouldn't turn the radio on at the exact moment

of the most pertinent news broadcast.

It's too coincidental.

But I'll jump forward in time.

What was that noise?

Based on the news report we just heard,

but not just just heard,

I assume it's the deranged, hook-handed killer, who escaped

when the asylum's antiquated security system failed.

I guess they shouldn't have cut corners,

although it is understandable,

given the recent economic downturn.

Should we go check it out?

No. We should call 911

on my fully-charged cell phone,

lock the doors, and then stand back to back

in the middle of the room holding knives.

- I love you-- - Shh.

Ugh.

Did these people ever die or what?

Eventually, once it had been...

Eaaarned.

Well, Britta...

It looks like you're barking up the wrong tree.

Yeah. You want to hear a scary story?

I've got a scary story.

Thank you for pulling me from that carriage.

I don't know what could have frightened my horses so.

Many vile creatures make these woods their home.

Some even warn of... Monsters.

I don't believe in monsters.

I believe every man has good within.

I must retrieve my books from the debris tomorrow.

I am a schoolteacher,

and many children rely on me to educate them.

Be gone, innocent one!

What's wrong?

You may choose not to believe in them,

but I am a monster.

And I must feed.

Do not judge me for my weakness.

Stifle your slackened maw,

you drained and tainted bitch dog.

I'm fine with this.

Ahh!

Wait!

Teach me to read.

Aww.

Wo...

Sound it out.

Wo...Rd dog

hates... Cats.

"Oh reason not the need!

Our basest beggars are in the poorest things superfluous."

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You should be proud of how much I've changed you.

Thank you for helping me,