Magical Girl Friendship Squad

It's too early for panda claws.

Could you trim those, Nut?

Hygiene.

I've been up for several hours doing reconnaissance.

I was able to pull security footage from the incident,

and this customer stood out to me.

Hair that slick can only be achieved

through nefarious means.

We're super excited

about our new powers and everything,

but we're not, like, "wake up at 7:00 in the morning

for a covert mission" excited.

We've got stuff to do.

What could possibly be more important

than hunting down the only person

that could lead us to the greatest force of evil

- in the... Um, it's called

- the grind, Nut. Ever heard of it? -

I can't even start applying to programming jobs

until I make my vision board.

And I really should make a mood board

to set the tone for my vision board.

No. Alex.

You know I need Carla St. Beverly's

easy listening smooth jazz jams to focus.

Then take it into your own room, Mom.

I have foot pics

and forged celebrity paraphernalia

- to sell. - "Forged"?

Who's to say these aren't Ariana's Band-Aids?

Who among us can claim

Kylie did not get a stress-induced nosebleed

on these tissues after hearing the new Kanye?

Uh, a little privacy, Nut?

I can't sell pictures of my five-star wikiFeet

- with you in the background. - Very well.

I will begin the mission myself.

Sounds good. Have fun, Nut.

Can you bring me back a bagel?

Timothée, give me strength.

My usual. And I want horse milk,

not goat milk.

Hmm.

H-Here, Corvin.

Corvin.

You call that horse milk?!

: I tell you every day that's not a thing, but...

Whoa, Pokémon Go has gotten really fucking good.

Huh!

Aggregon.

One sale away.

And that's rent!

Thank you, female odor.

What? Really?

You made rent in the last three hours?

: Oh. Um, no. Misunderstanding.

You spent it on something already, didn't you?

What did we say about perverted purchases

over $100?

But I need it to get into the right headspace

to write my fan fiction about Scully

hooking up with a girl alien named Daisy.

Besides, I'll make it back.

You can sell stuff on Star Junk for ten times what it's worth.

And if you help,

we could work twice as fast.

- Move over. - Hell, yeah!

These sites are so sinister.

- Why do people want this shit? -

I wish we lived near some quality celebrity trash.

Like, where do all the celebrity baby teeth go? Where?

- Celebrity baby teeth! -

Dude, we have magic.

Tom Selleck bong.

Saliva swap with Kristen Stewart.

Birth control.

Something for the boomers.

Tessa Thompson used flossers.

Idris Elba grocery list.

Chalamet thong.

Rihanna's bidet!

Damn, Star Junk. That's rent, utilities,

and I can finally pay you back

for the money you lent me last year

that I didn't tell you about till now.

Man, I wish we could keep the Rihanna bidet.

Aggregon!

What about it?

That's where the man I saw works.

There's something going on there.

I'm not surprised. Aggregon owns everything.

I think they even own Star Junk now.

What? You know about them?

Tell me everything.

Tell you what. Your cute little panda face

in the background of one photo got more profile views

than that time Cardi B followed me

and I posted a screencap of it

and then I realized it was just a Cardi B fan account

and had to apologize to everyone for the false alarm.

I fail to see how this is relevant.

You let me take more pictures of you

for my Star Junk's Instagram page,

and I'll tell you about Aggregon.

Deal. But I feel objectified.

Welcome to womanhood on Earth.

I'll catch up with you guys

once all this inventory gets picked up.

Tom Selleck bong.

Tiny panda cowboy hat.

Uh, you-you guys didn't hear any singing out there, right?

Uh, no. We're here for a Star Junk pickup.

One baggie of Miley Cyrus toenail clippings,

as promised.

: Uh, was there... something else?

So, you know Nut?

You know Nut?

She's the panda from your Star Junk account, right?

- We're big fans. - That's so cool.

Yeah, I am cool.

Me and Carla St. Beverly.

I'm Alex.

That's Pussluvr. - Sup.

Neptunia99. - Sup.

And I'm Nightscreamr.

Cool.

What is this for?

Well, I'm post them on Insta and maybe TikTok,

but only to drive traffic to my Star Junk.

Ten of these a week, and we'll never worry about rent again.

Tell me about Aggregon.

Ugh, sheesh, okay.

Well, I mean, they own everything,

so, obviously, bad labor practices.

Ooh, give me egirl.

They stream stuff.

I hear that they're doing this thing called gamifying feelings.

Give me Insta baddie.

So, world domination.

I mean, don't be dramatic.

Capitalism world domination.

So world domination.

Whatever. Put on the baseball cap.