The Sweeney

Guvnor, behind you, quick!

Detective Inspector Regan, Flying Squad.

You're nicked.

- Very sexy, who did he say his name was?

You see, the other week,

I had a meeting with a colleague

and this fellow believed that turf accountants were gamblers.

Presumably because they make their money from gamblers.

Foolish.

- If Colonel Rosier had been present,

he would've pointed out, much more succinctly than I,

that it is precisely because they're not gamblers

that we find them so distasteful.

Am I right Colonel?

- Don't like them, never liked them.

Thank you my dear, delicious.

You see farmers are gamblers,

people who make wonderful wine are gamblers,

they gamble with the weather.

Damned expensive now, wine.

I mean, you don't gamble when you

make lemonade now, do you?

- I always say a little bit of chance makes life exciting.

Thank you, dear.

Mmmm, bloody good.

— Joe! - Well, it's a bloody good wine.

- Now, I'm going to put on the souffle.

Oooh, delicious, Marcia.

— Not sure I've got the room.

You will have by the time it's ready.

And if you'll excuse me.

Somewhere in the cellar is a bottle of 1947 Sauternes,

which I've been keeping for just this occasion.

If only I can find it.

Excellent fellow.

- Joe, you must watch your language.

It was a bloody good wine!

Ta, guv.

Hold it!

Don't touch those telephones!

I said, don't move.

Stand up!

Okay lads.

Get out of my way, God damn you!

Well, I've looked everywhere for that 1947,

and all I could find was this instead.

Not to worry, old boy.

It's a 1945.

What?

A 1945, is that no good?

It's a Chateau d'Yquem.

1945?

My God, so it is.

Do you know, my dear, I've never ever had this year.

- Is it all right? - All right?

My clear boy, it's one of the three great years

of the century.

- Ohhh, Colonel you really had me worried there for a moment.

Oh, my dear, how magnificent.

- But my dear boy, where on Earth did you get this?

- Well Colonel, if you really want to know,

it fell off the back of a lorry.

Fell off the back...

Back of...

Oh.

You mean you...

Hello?

Inspector Regan?

Have we met before?

No.

- How did you know what I looked like?

- I saw your photograph in the newspaper.

You look younger than I thought you'd be.

I'm no spring chicken, darling.

Neither am I.

- Well come on then, what's this information

you phoned about?

How old are you?

- You haven't got any information for me at all, have you?

What do you mean?

What's your name, love?

I don't mean your real name, of course.

What name would you like to give?

I'm Jack, how about Jill?

- Are you suggesting that I've pretended to have information

for you just in order to meet you?

Yes.

- You really fancy yourself, Inspector, don't you?

Nope.

- Are you suggesting that I'm some kind of...

Flying Squad groupie?

Yeah.

Do you get many of them?

Yeah, less than our fair share.

- And this is the way they normally approach you?

, Yep-

Are they young or older?

- Look, I'll get us another drink, then I'll have to go.

- Vodka? - Mm.

- Large vodka and tonic, large scotch.

A pound fourteen.

Have you seen that one before?

Cheers.

Cheers.

Carole.

Ahhh, Carole, I like it.

Cheers, Carole.

With or without an E?

What?

Oh, urn, with.

- You know, I bet you tried 20 names

while I was getting these drinks.

- What you—— - What is it, love?

Having trouble with your boyfriend?

No.

Someone at work you don't like?

No, no.

What is your work?

- Well, I'm... - You don't work, you married?

- Please, I... — Oh, come on.

Come on, you're out in the middle of the day,

you're not exactly dressed for armature winding, are you?

So you can't creep off in the evening, what does he do?

- You're wrong, you're completely wrong, I just...

I better to go.

- It's all right, it's all right, I'll cut the shop.

Just relax.

We have to be careful in our job, you know, that's all.

I won't bite you.

Now then, what did you want to see me about?

You were right the first time.

I mean about my having information.

- Wouldn't it be nice if that were true.

Would it?

- Look, Carole, let's not muck about.

You're a sexy, suburban housewife on the make,

and I'm a hard working copper.

Now, you might just have had some information for me,

which you could've picked up anywhere,

but I'm also not a Saint and I might just fancy you.

I gathered that.

- A little bit of pleasure and a little bit of work

can go together.

If they didn't, half the bloody offices

in the country would be empty.

The robots finally would inherit the Earth.

- You've got it all worked out, haven't you?

You're a nice, warm lady.

So what are you trying to prove?

- So, I've got to be hard to get a hearing.

What was that?

I've got some names for you.

I understand you pay for that kind of information.

What, money?

No...

Not money.

- Why don't you give me these so-called names first?

Uh-uh.

You in a hurry...-Jack?

Well, that all depends.

Do you think we have time?

Before we go.

Yeah.

- There you go, guvnor, full house, aces on the roof.

Well, don't look so surprised, they're all contenders.

Do you mind telling me something?

You done a deal with someone?

What you getting at, George?

I'm not quite as daft as I look.

That is good news.

- Now look, you've put five good'uns in the frame, right?

After the job.

No, no, hang about.

If your snout had the names, why didn't you get 'em

before the blag so we could nick 'em at it?

I mean, what's to stop me thinking you got one of 'em

to do the Royals for the insurance?

No way George, I was just lucky.

Oh yeah?

Well anyway, there's the dope of Bennetts, Roche

and the Jones brothers.

Oh, and now this Edmunds, you sure his name was Phil?

Yeah.

- Well, in that case, five years ago,

a fellow called Charlie Reed changed his name by deed poll

to Peter Phillip Edmunds after doing a full

seven year stretch for malicious wounding.

Three kids in a club apparently attacked his girlfriend.

He had them held while he sliced 'em up, all by himself.

Now, he's not just a jealous lover either,

he was a known associate of the Walton gang,

but since they've been inside, which is a few years now,

he's been as clean as a whistle.

What else?

- Er, Well, there's a load of cloth fibres from the fingernails

of the old lady who was injured.

One of them ran into her.

What about her description?

- Well, it hardly fits Bennetts or Roche,

and it's certainly not the Jones brothers.