The Office

To me, the Sixers are a five seat tops.

I think they're going to the Conference finals.

- No. - Bynum, an obvious monster.

At three-point shooting, don't even--

I bit my lip at lunch today.

Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it.

The Knicks are tough.

- The Nets are tough. - Oh, the Nets are super tough.

Now I have this big bump on my lip that hurts.

I hate it.

The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.

Okay, you need to think about it

before you come with the--

Whatever. It's not a big deal.

You know, I always tell my three-year-old,

if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen--

You gotta be kidding me!

Okay. Pam, that's it. I'm going home.

Morning, Meredith.

What?

Oh, sorry. Pam.

Yikes.

Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly,

and I'm not gonna lie-- it's been challenging.

Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse.

I found out Cece has lice, so I was up all night,

disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy,

item of clothing in the entire house.

I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim.

He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure,

and he's doing it all for the family.

I am meeting Dr. J today,

otherwise known as Julius Erving,

famed 76er and my own personal hero.

But I have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face

because, let's be honest, how would I feel

if I was at home, stuck with the kids

while she was go-karting with John Stamos?

You sound tired. Everything okay?

Great. Everything's great.

Hey, are you nervous about your big meeting?

Uh, a little bit.

It's a lot of pressure, you know?

But that's what I signed up for, right?

- Jim, the limo's here. - Uh, you know what?

I gotta hop off because my, uh,

taxi is here to take me to the meeting.

- Oh, call me later. - Okay.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

- I love you. - Love you too. Bye.

How are you doing?

Okay. I mean, it's what you want, so--

- It's how it has to be. - I know, I know.

It's just hard.

Me and Val were going nowhere,

and if I'm gonna be working in Philly,

I'm gonna need my freedom,

so I convinced Val to break up with me.

Here's how you do it.

You say, "What are you gonna do, break up with me?"

Like, as a joke.

And then you gain a lot of weight.

I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.

Me neither. Come here.

Hey, Meredith, I need your supply requests today.

Jeez H in the morning,

will you stop your nagging already?

No wonder Jim left you.

He didn't leave me. He just went part-time.

Can you just fill out the form, please?

Yes.

I'm sure she's just confused.

People scratch their heads when they're confused.

Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did,

but it happens.

Hurry up already.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Between the foster homes and the orphanage,

I had lice 22 times.

Holy wow, that's a big one.

All right, pencils down, everyone-- we've got lice.

Oh, God, Meredith! Lice?

Did you not sign a pledge to shower?

What? Lice? Oh, my God.

Lock the doors. We're on full quarantine.

Dwight, relax. It's just lice.

Maybe, possibly.

Just lice, Pam?

Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom,

lice are the ones I detest the most.

My first day of school, I had lice,

and no one would play with me.

For 15 years, they called me "freak"

and "four eyes" and "sci-fi nerd" and "girl puncher,"

all because I had lice when I was seven.

- Make way. No. Inspect me. - Dwight!

Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen.

- You are all clear. - I should be.

I use lice shampoo every morning.

- Hey! - Oh!

- Stop that! - Dwight!

Next.

Jeez, Meredith, you know, this is an office.

It's not one of your bean-bag orgies.

Uh, let's give her a break.

We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.

Pam, really? Come on.

Hey, what do you want? I know who I am.

Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.

- Lice. -

- More lice. -

- Angela has lice. - Ew! Oh!

Ooh, yabber. Lice. Yikers. Lice.

No. How? I am so clean.

- Oh, yeah. Big-time lice. - Aah!

I wash my hands at least six times a day.

Toilet seat covers?

Yes, thank you, even when I pee.

Apparently, none of that is protection enough,

not when it comes to Meredith.

- Ooh. - Oh.

Hey, what are you wearing?

It's a hazmat suit.

That stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing.

If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy.

Is there anyone else here that is lice-free?

Excellent. You have your own hazmat suits?

- No. - No.

Ugh. Renters.

Okay, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings,

retreat to the warehouse.

Conduct your business there

until the infected have been de-loused.

Let's get going.

I'm gonna stay here and fight.

If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me.

I might want lunch.

All right. We're going down to my warehouse.

That means we're playing by my rules.

No messing with the baler,

and be cool in front of me and Val.

We just broke up.

You got dumped?

- Yeah, she ended things. - Break-ups are the worst.

The only thing that got me through mine

was large amounts of Shepherd's pie and Brandy.

The singer, not the drink.

Here, man.

You need them more than me.

- Thanks, man. - Yeah.

Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith.

This has got to be hard for her.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I have not yet begun to shame.

That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.

No, Stanley, if you leave now, then you'll get it in your car,

and then you'll get it in your house!

Get off me.

I'm trying to save you from yourself!

All right, I'll stay!

There's a pencil poking in my rolls.

Maybe it was Meredith.

Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different

than the lice that I got from Cece.

So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion

that she got her lice from me.

That is how wars get started.

Fine, I'll tell her it was me.

Oh, man. That's fresh-squeezed.

And are all the snacks complimentary?

Yeah, take some home if you want.

Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I...

Um, I'm sorry. Is this the conference center?

No. Mr. Erving called.

Said he's rather meet you at his private court.

You gotta be kidding me.

Hey, Meredith, I need to tell you something.

Yeah, Pam? What do you want?

Oh, my God. Meredith, what are you doing?

Bakin' a cake. What does it look like I'm doing?

- Getting rid of the lice. - Oh, stop! I'm so sorry!

Oh, can you hold that thought?

That's my wax.

You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.

What were you saying?

Nothing.

I'm going to tell her,

but now is clearly not the time.

I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs.

There's a right way to do this.

Scalp leeches, skull vampires,

follicle gypsies, hair lawyers.

One thing is clear-- it's kill or be killed!

No, no, no. It's more of a nuisance, really.

It's not that big a deal.

So I've collected your hats and your coats...

- To be burned! - ...to be washed.

What do we do about our heads?

I'm not gonna lie. Lye!

No. All we need is mayonnaise.