Miss Congeniality

They're fighting again!

Oh, boy.

Don't! Wait! Not my homework!

No! Stop it! No!

Problem, gentlemen?

Hey, dork-brain!

If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off.

You're calling me a girl?

You called me one!

You asked for it.

Ow!

Now get out of here!

Forget those guys.

They're jealous because you're smart and funny.

And girls like that.

What girls?

Lots of girls.

I mean... I like you.

I don't like you. Now everybody thinks I need a girl to fight for me.

You are a dork-brain.

My nose!

Wimp!

Moe and Larry in the house.

Grant, what have we got out back?

All clear here, sir.

Matthews, what do you got?

Returnable cans, sir.

I think I'm up to 75 cents.

Hey, we got a cab.

Here comes Curly.

Yep, the Three Stooges.

Check it out, lvan's packing.

Thank you! We've got a briefcase.

Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.

No disc yet.

Case is opening.

This woman's ass is in the way.

Hart, we can't see a goddamn thing. We need to see the discs.

This broad's got two asses! Hart, do something!

Excuse me.

You wanting something else?

Yeah. You know what? I really love this borscht.

Or, as they say in Russian:

- All right, Hart. We got the discs. - We're moving in!

FBI! Get down on the ground! Now!

- Get down on the ground! - Do it!

Keep your hands where I can see them!

No English.

Hart! Nobody moves until I see some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!

Sir, he's turning purple!

Hart, until we secure, you stay.

- Sir. - Hart!

Sir, that is one really, really purple Russian, sir!

He's still armed! Nobody moves!

Hands up! Back off! Back off!

- No, sir. He's not gonna die. - Hart!

He's not good enough for that.

His victims didn't get a chance to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?

Now you're going down.

Drop the guns or I'll kill her.

lvan, out the back.

You're not killing anyone, you peanut-eating bastard.

Step back!

Move it! Move it!

Party's over, boys.

How's your head, my little piroshki?

This is gonna put you away for a long time. You know that?

Let's get that ambulance in here!

- Shut up! Stay with me, all right?

- I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry. You did a great job!

Nice work. See you back there, okay?

Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.

I got Grant shot. I shouldn't have moved.

Come on, you made a choice.

It was wrong, but that's it. It's over.

By the way, you look like hell.

- Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie. - Good morning, Gracie.

Hart.

Yes, sir.

ETA, 20 minutes.

No problem. Breakdown?

Yes, sir. Negative. Do not need assistance.

Ten-four, sir. Yes, I know it's hot.

Hey, you cannot park...

It's an emergency. Official business.

Ma'am, aside, please. Thank you.

Official business, sir. Emergency. Step aside.

Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.

FBI. You might want to stay out of this.

Excuse me. Sir, ma'am, please back off.

All right. I need eight double-tall...

Eight double-tall lattes. One with no foam.

Five decaf lattes with a long straw.

Four caramel macchiattos. Double up on the cup. I got a long way to go.

Two blueberry scones with the little granules on top...

...and one Starbucks compilation CD.

- No! I would like... - Oh, jeez.

What's going on? Where's McDonald?

Could we put out an APB on my Frappuccino?

It's in the bag. Did he say anything about last night?

Relax. Don't annoy him. Don't say anything. Don't argue.

I don't argue. I never argue. When do I argue?

I might have a heated discussion with somebody.

Is this you not arguing? Because you suck at it.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, sir. It's...

Sir.

Okay, everybody.

I know you're all concerned about Grant's condition.

So I'm happy to report...

...Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be out of the hospital in two weeks.

He says he's expecting lots of gifts.

Okay, everybody.

So much for the good news. We got another letter from the Citizen.

Arson, explosives, poison...

...this guy never works the same way twice.

The only thing we know for sure...

...is, we get these letters full of incomprehensible riddles...

...he strikes and suddenly the clues make sense.

This one is down in Intelligence.

Hopefully, we'll get a lead before somebody gets killed.

In the meantime...

...Matthews, get a team together.

Sir, you want me to take point?

For five years you've wanted it.

Last night, you earned it. Pick your team.

I want preliminaries by 3. That's it.

Sir...?

Who's buying me lunch?

Sir, I would like to talk about what happened last night.

I didn't exactly follow orders...

"Exactly" follow orders? There's no such thing.

You follow orders or you don't.

No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.

Until the hearing, you're out of the field.

The hearing is totally warranted.

Wouldn't I be better on the Citizen case?

I have a background in profiling and decoding.

- No. - I could contribute.

Like you contributed last night?

By putting yourself and five agents in jeopardy?

I'll save the rest for the review board.

You will bury yourself under a mountain of paperwork.

Discussion is over.

Mike, give me a pint.

Rough day?

The worst.

Sure you want a whole one?

Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.

Hey, Einstein. If you figure out that Citizen letter, let me know.

Congratulations on the op. It's a big shot.

Thanks.

How are you doing? You okay?

I'm good.

You're starting early today.

Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced. Want to join me?

I'd love to, but I have a pressing social engagement.

Beth!

Brownie meeting.

- Mike, give me a beer and... - Um...

Milk. Give her milk.

White wine spritzer.

Are most of the people in here agents?

As a matter of fact, here's an agent. Gracie Hart.

Beth Carter.

Right back to you.

Beth is an undergrad at Vassar, doing a paper on law enforcement.

I'm helping her get an inside look.

I bet she'll do the same for you.

Gracie, I would love to get a woman's point of view.

You're barking up the wrong tree. Right, Hart?

Do all the women have to wear those really masculine shoes?

I get these made special by the guy that put the tattoo on my ass.

We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry. Catch you later.

- Nice meeting you. - You too.

Hope you have a good time at the mall.

Wohop is the place.

Wohop is good, but if you like variety, you go to La Chinita Linda.

Their rice and beans are slamming.

I don't want variety. I get pork fried rice every...

I figured it out! I tried to create a content-based pattern...

...similar to his previous letters.

But this time, he used a signifier.

In this case, the word "miss"...

...in the subsequent letters. Will you let me finish?

It's the Miss United States Pageant.

Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.

What do we got?

Miss United States from San Antonio, Texas, home of the Alamo.

I forgot the Alamo.

The pageant lasts three days. Preliminaries, conferences...

...the live telecast. It's a logistical nightmare.

Not just a babe-fest.

Jesus, we've only got 48 hours.

Okay, gentlemen.

Where do we start?

I got a cousin in Texas.

You might want to call the network and pageant people. Set up a meeting.

Because you'll probably need their cooperation.

Yeah.