Hoops

Good morning, Lenwood!

Amazing news, everybody!

-I fucked my wife! -

Morning, everybody. I fucked my wife!

Hey, kids. I fucked my wife!

Betty, roses look great!

I fucked my wife.

I fucked my wife, trash man!

Hey, Frank. How are ya?

Every day's a little better than the last one,

but I can't lie and say I don't miss my dear, sweet Margaret.

Well, she was a good woman,

and it seemed like you guys truly loved each other.

Uh, Guy Hoop-hucti-zwyfe?

That's me, and it's actually pronounced

"guy who fucked his wife."

Which, by the way, is something I did.

I fucked my wife.

At least I fucked my wife. I hope I told enough people.

- -That's a charge!

You no-dick bastard!

That was a bullshit call! I mean, are you blind?

Get your head out of your own asshole!

Hey, man, is everything all right?

Love is fickle.

And sometimes love will break your fuckin' heart.

Whoa! Did something happen, buddy?

Shannon left me!

She's gone!

Just like the NSYNC song and the Hall & Oates song.

There are a lot of songs on this subject.

Shannon left you?

That's so unexpected and terrible for you!

Man, I am shocked!

I had no idea you guys were having problems.

Ron, why don't you get outta here and go clean yourself up?

Thanks, Ben. You're the only one that really cares about me.

Hey, man. I love ya.

-Time-out! -

Good time-out, Coach.

They got Rogers on me. He doesn't even come up to my waist.

Enough with the basketball shit!

We've been talking about it all season.

Something important happened.

Shannon broke up with Ron. I'm fuckin' golden.

This is better than the day I took that selfie

with Vin Diesel at Kings Island.

Yeah, Coach, you keep showing us that picture,

and we've told you already, that's not Vin Diesel.

That little bald guy was Vin fuckin' Diesel.

Oh, come on, Coach. That dude was like three feet tall.

Ah, they make you look tall in Hollywood.

I hear that Ryan Reynolds is barely a foot.

Anyway, as long as you called time-out,

is there something you can say that might inspire us?

Yeah, sure.

I fucked my wife!

Yeah, the garbage man told me.

All right. Good effort, guys. We'll get 'em next time.

Coach Hopkins.

Do you have a minute?

She wants to have dinner!

Uh...

That's great. Now, the reason that I want--

You don't understand!

My wife wants to have dinner with me!

And I fucked her!

Wow, what a day!

Can you believe it?

Obviously, you could move into Kirk's house and stay with him,

but I think it's probably better that I just move back into our place.

-Ben, I-- -Uh-uh! I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're thinking.

And I want you to know that I'm a much better listener now.

I love listening!

And I hear you. We should get a dog.

I said that six years ago.

I have a dog now. You met him.

Shannon, Shannon!

We have a dog.

Listen, Ben, I have something I wanna say.

Well, darling, that means I have something that I wanna hear.

Again, listening,

but I think you should say it while we're doing this.

Ben, I can't do this!

Oh, sure you can.

It's just like that scene in 27 Dresses.

McConaughey, Heigl, dream team.

That's an underrated movie.

They should make a sequel.

There's so many new dresses to focus on since the movie came out.

It could really be a series.

-Ben... - Come on. Just...

Leave... Don't touch me!

Relax your arms. Just...

-I am relaxed, OK? -No, like this.

I don't wanna get back together!

No, no, no! Your elbow has to bend, or you'll never reach.

Ben! It's over, OK?

Sleeping with you was a huge mistake, and I'm a fucking idiot!

Excuse me.

I'm just choking.

Oh!

That's so funny.

You thought I wanted to get back together.

Why? Because of the 27 Dresses arm thing?

Yeah, that. Oh, and the cake.

And the kids with the banner behind me.

Uh, that's... That's just a coincidence.

Ow!

Sorry, Coach. The rope broke.

Hey, Shannon. I'm Cupid.

Hey!

Oh, honey, you must be a mess!

Two breakups in one week?

It's like when I dated twins.

But they were conjoined, so it really was just one conversation.

I don't know.

On the one hand, I feel really good.

And on the other hand,

I feel really guilty about how good I feel.

Well, you've been there for me the last 17 breakups,

and now's my chance to help you.

I have a lot of time to read self-help books on the toilet.

I take long poos, girl.

Let's start with step one.

Get over him.

Holy shit!

Now, let's put anything you have of Ron and Ben's in the fire.

I already started with Ron's iPad.

That was my iPad!

Girl, don't tell me you don't have AppleCare?

Everybody, maybe pick up your feet.

Or don't. Whatever. Life is meaningless.

Coach, are you all right?

Yeah, Coach. You kinda look like Ron.

Shannon!

I'm done for, boys.

Shannon left me, and she was my last chance at happiness.

Uh, Coach Hopkins.

Let's try this again.

I'm Coach Lamonte, and I'm from Henderson Prep.

Ah, you couldn't have come at a better time.

I gotta get out of here. I'm going through a really painful breakup right now.

Plus, she's keeping our fucking dog.

But a new job at a fancy New England high school that's a pipeline to D-One...

What's your first offer?

Which I have to reject, art of the deal, but twist my arm, and I'll take it.

I'll take anything!

I'm not here for you.

No, I'm here for the seven-footer.

Sure, all these players go on to play Division I basketball,

and sure, they have amazing facilities, but you know what?

They don't have me, and you need me.

You love me, Matty.

Yeah, Matty. We're not even a team without you.

You can't leave us.

We're a family now.

Everybody, chill out. I don't wanna go to Henderson Prep.

I'm happy here at Lenwood. All my friends are here.

- -Oh, that's a relief!

Atta boy, Matty!

Stick with these geeks.

It's a good thing that prep school coach talked to you, not my mom.

She's always dreamed of me going away to a private school,

but she can't afford it. If she found out, she'd make me go.

That is good. Otherwise, we'd have to take care of your mom.

-Murder? That ain't cool, dog. -Too far, Coach.

Coach, stop. You're not killing my mom.

You're right. There's too many squealers on this team.

So, in the interest of keeping her alive,

which we all want so badly,

I say we head Lamonte off at the pass.

He's gonna go there next, but we're one step ahead of him.

Matty, is your mama home?

Oh, yeah. She sure is. Come on in.

Mom, there's someone here to see you.

Ms. Atkins, how are you?

I'm Coach Lamonte.

I'm here to talk to you about a big opportunity for Matty.

Mr. Lamonte. Charmed, I'm sure.

And please, call me Matty's real mom.

Mom, stop.

Henderson Prep is the wrong place for my son.

That's it. Just like that, Connie. Tell him to fuck off.