Murder Mystery

Terrific!

So I put my finger here, and check this...

the watch tells me I have a heart problem.

Wouldn't a mirror tell you the same thing?

Yeah, but this has weather, too.

Okay.

We got an hour until we're meeting the ladies for dinner.

-Yeah. -You wanna catch a beer?

I can't. I gotta run a few errands.

What? You don't want a beer? What's wrong?

I...

got the results back from the detective exam.

You failed again? This is why I never took that test.

All the anxiety and disappointment.

At some point, you have to realize you have hit your ceiling

and just give up.

You know, you should go around and speak at schools.

-That was very inspiring. -I should. Kids need to hear this shit.

I don't get it, man.

I know all the answers, I just freeze under pressure.

You know, I can't take the exam for, like, three more months,

so I gotta continue lying to Audrey.

So when we're at dinner tonight, please,

-tell your wi-- -Ah! No.

Come on, man. You know I'll lie for you anytime.

I will cover up dead bodies for you.

But if I ask Holly to lie to your wife, there's no way we're messing around.

It's Freaky Friday!

You don't have to lie, just tell her to ignore when I'm lying.

That's it.

-Okay, fine. -Thank you.

-You owe me. -

See you tonight.

I gotta get Claritin. Claritin.

Oh, my God! Look!

He took her in a helicopter?

My husband won't even pay for Uber Black.

Yeah. I don't even-- I can't even remember the last time

that Nick did anything even remotely romantic.

I mean, he used to leave me, like, cute little mixtapes,

little love notes in the bathroom.

Love notes are dead.

When my husband wants to have sex,

he just texts me the eggplant and doughnut emoji.

Eggplant and doughnut--

Oh. He's the eggplant.

More like a fingerling potato.

It doesn't take that much.

There are guys at the intersection selling flowers.

You just roll down the window, grab a bunch, bring 'em home.

-I mean, they couldn't make it any easier. - No kidding.

I mean, tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary.

I'm still waiting on that trip to Europe he promised me on our wedding day.

- That's been 15 years? -Yeah.

-I could have walked to Europe by now. -

You know, you just have to tell him.

I just don't want to have to tell him. I just want him to know.

-No, they never just know. -I know.

-That doesn't happen. -You have to tell men everything.

If you want the dishes to not go in the sink, you have to tell them.

If you want him to shower before he comes to bed,

-you have to ask him. -Ugh.

That's why they have those signs in bathrooms at restaurants

to tell employees to wash their hands.

Those aren't for women, guys. Those are for men.

Or maybe you could just text him, airplane, wine glass,

Italian flag, eggplant, doughnut, doughnut, doughnut.

Let's go with the 50.

Claritin...

Hi, welcome.

Thank you.

- Thanks a lot. -

Are you gonna tell 'em about the stuff in your backpack?

Mind your own business, man. I'm paying for this.

I like your sneakers. They must be expensive.

Is that why can't afford the Monster Energy Drink

or the Flamin' Hot Cheetos?

-Hang on. Hang on. -Hey, let go of me, man.

I can't believe I was right.

Keep your mouth shut. I'll mess you up, old man.

Old man. Oh, my God.

First of all,

I should throw you in jail just for calling me "old man,"

but you bring that stuff back,

I'll let you go 'cause I'm late for dinner and I'm hungry as shit.

Go ahead.

- Tylenol PM? Am I right? - No.

It's not good for that. It depends on what time of year you go.

That makes sense. Can I get another?

We're gonna have another one?

I'm just saying, we're paying today. Maybe you can take it easy a little bit.

Hey, hey. Nick. Nick. What-- What's wrong with you?

Sorry. Should I not order another drink, Detective?

No. Holly, order another drink.

Order as much as you want. I was joking around.

-That's not funny. -The reason--

I'm just in a great mood because I had a great day today.

-Did we have a great day or what? -It was a fabulous day. Incredible day.

Really? Did you get another hot case?

Of what?

-"What." -

That was good. No, listen.

Going great, kid. I promise you.

It's like, uh, they're trusting me more and more,

and I, um, I wish I could tell you what it was,

but it's-- it's confidential.

-Wait a second. -What?

Oh, my God.

-What is this? - What is that?

My baby Jimmy got it for me for my birthday.

-Jimmy! -What?

- Celebration diamonds. -Oh, my gosh.

-It's gorgeous! -Thank you, Audrey.

-Very expensive. - Wow, Jimmy.

I got you something special. I promise, you're gonna be very happy.

- Really? -I can't wait.

See, I would've pegged you, Nick, as an Amazon gift card kinda guy,

but... I'm no detective.

Hey! You know what, guys?

Let's toast to my friends, Nick and Audrey.

Fifteen wonderful years.

Absolutely.

- Fifteen. -Here's to true love, guys.

Fifteen.

-True love. -Yeah.

Dinner was insane, but that's expected.

But I'll tell you what,

I want to record Holly chewing her ice cubes,

use it as my alarm in the morning. That's--

Guarantee me of wanting to wake up and leave.

What's the matter? You didn't like that joke?

I'm flossing.

I can see that.

You're doing it extra hard tonight.

And I'm not sleeping with the fan on tonight. I hate that sound.

No fan necessary. We'll crank the AC, babe.

Uh-oh. What, what, what?

You're gonna yell at me? I can see this. Hang on.

Why don't you do some more angry flossing?

How come we haven't gone to Europe, Nick?

You have to explain this to me.

We never go anywhere.

We travel. I took you to the Poconos that time.

What? The Poco-- That was--

That was for a funeral, Nick.

How about, uh, when we went to Virginia

when my uncle was in a hospice and we got to see him die?

-We did that. -Ugh, Nick. Come on.

I'm talking about the postcard.

-You don't remember that? -I remember it. Of course I remember it.

It's been 15 years, Nick. I don't know what we're waitin' for.

Now you've gone and done it, Audrey.

What? What'd I do?

I told you I had something big for you at dinner,

and you couldn't wait till tomorrow morning?

No.

We're finally going to Europe. Happy anniversary.

Oh, my God. I have chills.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I'm so--

-I ruined your surprise! -Shh. You didn't ruin anything.

You're the greatest. You deserve it. I love you.

-I love you! -It's still a surprise. I swear.

-We can afford it, right? This is all-- -We can afford it, of course.

-Okay. -I'm getting my raise this year.

-Right. -We're all set. Come on.

- Hello. Hi. -Hello.

So, uh, we are on our honeymoon,

and I was wondering if we could possibly get an upgrade

because I have miles. Maybe--

I don't even know if it's from this airline, but do they expire, or--

Sir, you would have needed to request that in advance.

- Yeah. -Right this way, please.

-Thank you. I'm so sorry. -We did try advance. I tried calling.

-And, um, nobody-- -Who'd you call?

-Crazy busy signals. -Really?

-It's the busy signals! -Who did you try to call?

I don't want to give it away. It was the butler.

-The butler did it. -

It's never the butler who did it.

I don't even think there are butlers.

That's just a word created for those goofy books you're addicted to.

Would you just please, please shh?

Leave my books alone, okay? Just let me read.

I just like-- Makes me happy.

Are you okay? You're cranky. Are you bored?

-I'm gonna go to sleep. -Take a nap.

-Are you okay with that? -Wait, don't--

But just, please, don't-- don't lay all the way back.

-Don't take it back? -No.

Why? You don't want my double chin to show?

It's not your chins, okay. It's just rude.

Yes.

-Okay. 'Cause you splay out. -All right.

And then your seat is in, like, the lap of the guy behind you.

-So just be considerate of everybody. -I'll stay up. Thank you.

Timber.

Oh, excuse me.

-Hi. -Hello. Hi.

Could I please have some earplugs?