The Con Is On

What the fuck you doin' here?

Where's Irina?

She sent me instead.

Let's look at the package.

Give this to Irina and don't fuck it up.

It's about fuckin' time. Where the hell you been?

- I was at church. - Oh.

- Hello, darling. - Hello, darling. Mwah, mwah.

How'd it go?

Ooh, I see it went well.

-Irina will be pleased. - Very.

- Fancy a bump? - Just a tiny one.

Maybe I'll borrow a little cash. Irina won't miss a grand or two.

May I?

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Hi there, handsome.

What's your name, sexy?

Fuck off.

All right, mate.

All right, mate.

Oi, Harry.

- Have we landed? - No, we haven't fuckin' landed.

I'm being accosted by a tanning booth.

This flight's a fuckin' nightmare.

I've been abused, and I've paid for the privilege.

Why do we have to go to Los Angeles?

It's the safest place we could possibly be.

I mean, she'll be looking for us in every hotel bar in London.

Oh, she'll do. She'll hunt us down.

She'll find us. She'll torture us.

Me first. She's never liked me for some reason.

Here. Take this. You'll feel much better.

- What was that? - I don't know.

- Xanax, possibly. - All right.

Los Angeles is horrible.

It's like a theme park built on a fault line.

Shh! No, no, no, no.

No. Right.

Bye, luv.

Oh, yeah, who was that then?

Now, darling, don't get upset.

It was Sidney, wasn't it? I might have known.

- He's an old friend. - He's an evil old pederast.

If we're gonna see Sidney, I need a fuckin' drink.

I'm as dry as a schoolgirl's knickers.

Once again...

I'm being asked to prostitute myself for the sake of a criminal venture.

All I'm asking is that you take one for the team, all right?

It's your own fault for being so bloody beautiful, isn't it?

- Here. Take this. - I already took one.

- Take another one. - All right.

And take... one of these.

All right.

Go in peace, my child.

- Well, well, let me drink you in. - Sidney.

My dear, dear Harry.

And, my own boy.

Oh, my. Haven't we been filling out, hm?

When I think back to how scrawny you were when we first met.

Like a little bird, a fledgling. And now, look at you.

Proud cock.

I do hope you've forgiven your uncle Sidney

for that little mishap in Turkey?

I couldn't bear to think of you being angry with me.

Of course he's forgiven you. It was only for a few months.

Mm, I can't even imagine the horrors you were subjected to in that sordid jail.

I want you to tell me all about it. Every little detail, hm?

- All the ins and outs. - Sidney?

We need a word.

Yes. This way, my pets.

- He's new. - Yes, the last one split.

You know, I don't think I've seen you since Istanbul.

It's been an age. What have you been doing with yourself?

Well, you know, this and that.

Import, export. A little poker.

- How are you? - Oh, much the same.

Still battling this interminable ennui.

You know, life is simply insupportable without you, Harry.

- Well, I'm back. - So I see.

Staying with us long, I hope?

- Fuck,no! - That depends.

- A package has arrived. - Thank you, Kim Kim.

Sidney...

-we need some work. - And money. Shed loads of money.

So I heard. How much do you owe Irina, in fact?

- So you know about it, do you? - Yes.

- She is making rather a fuss, you know. - Is she? I can't imagine why.

I borrowed a little from her at poker.

Nothing, really. You know how it is.

Where is she?

- Get us some drinks, luv. - Drink?

- Yeah. Get us a round of drinks. - Yeah, you want?

- Yeah. - Okay. I get.

Irina put a price on your head. You were aware of that, I take it?

I never knew she cared.

Oh, I think we can both agree that that just isn't true, is it, darling?

And as for you. You're a very naughty boy.

I have a good mind to put you over my knee and give you a very sound spanking.

But as it is, I do have a small amount of opium that needs delivering.

Really? How small?

Oh... a comfortable amount.

- We'll do it for 50. -35.

- 40. - I'm so weak.

Because I love you, Harry.

- The, uh, usual method, do you think? - Of course.

Gorgeous.

I'm not doing it.

Certainly not for 40 fuckin' grand.

I mean it. I'm not doing it.

We need the money, darling.

I've had so many things stuffed up my ass,

I might as well get a boyfriend and move to San Francisco.

Don't be such a baby. It'll be over before you know it.

Quite frankly, we have no fucking choice.

- Where is she? - I've not seen her in months.

Don't fuckin' lie to me.

I am not.

That bitch still owes me.

Money, from a game in Hackney.

When you find her, you can tell her that.

- Yes? - Irina, my angel.

- How are you? - What do you want?

Well, it's been such a long time, hasn't it?

I've been meaning to call you up and have a nice little chat with you.

B-But where does time go, hm? Where do you think?

- Sidney, I'm busy. - Well, this won't take long.

I understand that you're looking for a certain person,

and that you're prepared to pay a very handsome price.

Hold on.

Talk to me.

We need a hotel.

We need a better plan than drugs up my bum.

- Welcome to the Chateau Marmont. - Thank you.

'Stop, stop!

- Oh, my God! I am-- - You nearly killed him!

- I am so sorry. I-- - Darling, are you all right?

- He could've killed me. - Where's the manager?

Uh, this way, please. I--

I only hope this suite goes some way

towards making up for this unfortunate accident.

It'll do.

And call a doctor.

- I need some painkillers. - Right away, sir.

Send us a personal shopper, will you? We seem to have misplaced our clothes.

- Absolutely. - Chop-chop. On you go.

Fix us a drink, darling.

We're supposed to be going on fuckin' holiday.

We've gone abroad, haven't we? It's what you wanted.

Well, Los Angeles is not holiday. It's a fuckin' lobotomy.

And being hunted down by Joseph Stalin is far from relaxing. Gin and tonic?

Lovely. What do you think?

Fuckin' whore!

That's not the look I was going for, but--

No, no. No. Not-- not you.

- It's Jackie. Look. - Oh!

Looks like she's having trouble at home.

- Perhaps we should pay her a visit. - No, no. Don't get distracted, darling.

You leave Jackie out of it.

Of course.

- How many have you had? - Four.

- You need to catch up. - Four martinis, please.

I hope seeing Sidney isn't the extent of your plan.

How the hell are we gonna pay Irina back? Any ideas, mate?

I can always get in on some games.

- Are you insane? - What?

My wife has a gambling problem. The problem is she's no bloody good.

- And tell me one thing, my sweet. - Mm-hm?

Why does she hate you so much? And it's not solely because of the cash.

There's some other reason.

I want to know what it is.

- Oh, you do, do you? - Yes, I do.

Let's say she had a little crush on me.

Do you mind? This happens to be a private conversation.

- And when was this? - Oh, years ago. You didn't know me then.

I was in Monte Carlo doing some charity work.

- Charity work? In Monte? - Do you want to hear this story or not?

Carry on.

I was raising funds on behalf of a large charitable organization.

Irina was engaged in a similar activity

and we decided to fundraise together.

We made a good team and we worked together tirelessly.

Day and night, actually, raising money for the orphans.

We persuaded people to make some very generous donations.

But sadly, she was rather difficult to work with.

After Monte Carlo, I didn't plan on seeing her again.

And I didn't.

Until Istanbul.

I had no idea she'd be there.

I was taken completely by surprise.

Well, you didn't seem too upset to see her.

- Not from where I was sitting. - I had no clue they were setting you up.

Oi!

I went to jail for three months.

Harry!

You utter tart!

She's not after you solely for the cash.