South Park

PARENTS, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

WHEN THE BISHOPS AND PRIESTS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY

ARE ORGANIZING THE YOUNG MEN'S CATHOLIC RETREAT.

THIS YEAR, WE'RE TAKING THE BOYS ON A WEEKEND BOAT TRIP,

TO DISCUSS JESUS' ROLE AS THE NAVIGATOR OF OUR LIVES.

THAT SOUNDS PRETTY FUN !

A CATHOLIC BOAT TRIP ?

AGHHHH !

AGHHH !

EXCUSE ME....

LOOK, I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S THE BEST IDEA

TO LET OUR BOYS GO ON A CRUISE WITH THE PRIEST !

WE CAN'T LET THEM GO, CAN WE ?

THERE'S NO WAY MY SON'S GOING.

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THEY WANT TO KILL US !

WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S BEEN IN THE NEWS,

I THINK IT'S BEST WE KEEP OUR KIDS FAR AWAY FROM THE PRIEST.

NOW COME ON, EVERYBODY

JUST BECAUSE A FEW PRIESTS IN THE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN CORRUPT

IT DOESN'T THAT ALL PRIESTS ARE CHILD MOLESTERS.

WELL SURE, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY,

YOUR SON'S DEAD.

BUT THOSE OF US WITH ALIVE CHILDREN

NEED TO BE SURE THAT FATHER MAXI IS ON THE UP AND UP.

I'VE HEARD ABOUT OTHER TOWNS BRINGING IN COUNSELORS

THAT KNOW HOW TO FIND THINGS OUT FROM KIDS

WITHOUT REALLY TELLING THEM WHAT'S GOING ON.

IT COULDN'T HURT.

SHHH-SHHH, HERE HE COMES !

UH... GOODBYE, EVERYONE.

'NIGHT ! 'NIGHT ! 'NIGHT, FATHER.

ALRIGHT THEN, IT'S SETTLED.

TOMORROW WE'LL FIND AN OUTSIDE COUNSELOR AND...

FIND OUT THE TRUTH.

HI, BOYS, MY NAME IS MRS. GARACHE

AND I NEED TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS

ABOUT YOUR PRIEST, OKAY ?

OKAY. OKAY. ALRIGHT.

OKAY... WOULD YOU SAY THAT FATHER MAXI IS NICE OR MEAN ?

NICE. COOL. HE'S FINE.

OKAY, WHAT WORDS WOULD YOU USE DESCRIBE YOUR CHURCH'S PRIEST ?

COMPASSIONATE.

OKAY... AND DID FATHER MAXI, AT ANY TIME,

EVER TRY TO PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR BUTT ?

IN-IN OUR BUTT ?

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED, JUST-

DID HE EVER TRY TO PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR BUTT ?

LIKE MONEY, WHAT ?

YOU MEAN LIKE A GOLDFISH ?

NO, NO... DID HE EVER TRY TO PUT ANYTHING

THAT BELONGED TO HIM IN YOUR BUTT ?

NO. NO. NO...

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

HAVING TO SIT OUT HERE WAITING TO FIND OUT

IF OUR PRIEST MOLESTED OUR KIDS !

YEAH, WHAT HAS CATHOLICISM COME TO, ANYWAY ?

YOU KNOW, I THINK WE'VE JUST HAD IT WITH THE CHURCH.

ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS THEY'VE DONE TO KIDS.

I THINK I'M GOING TO BECOME AN ATHEIST !

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA !

I'M GOING TO BE AN ATHEIST TOO !

LET'S ALL BE ATHEISTS !

YEAH ! YEAH ! YEAH !

IF THERE WAS A GOD,

WHY WOULD HE LET OUR KIDS BE MOLESTED IN THE FIRST PLACE ?

YEAH, LET'S KILL GOD, YEAH !

WELL, LET'S JUST BE ATHEISTS.

SAME THING.

ALRIGHT ! YEAH ! WOO-HOO !

WHAT WOULD THE PRIEST...

POSSIBLY WANT TO PUT IN OUR BUTTS ?

MAYBE-- NO...

HEY, DUDES.

HEY. HEY. AGH !

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING ?

WE HAD TO GO MEET WITH THIS COUNSELOR LADY,

AND SHE ASKED US IF THE PRIEST EVER PUT ANYTHING IN OUR BUTTS.

IN YOUR BUTTS ?

YEAH, ISN'T THAT THE DAMNEDEST THING ?

WHY WOULD HE PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR BUTTS ?

WE DON'T KNOW, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.

HMM... HMM...

HELLO THERE, CHILDREN !

CHEF !

WHAT WOULD A PRIEST WANT TO STICK UP MY BUTT ?

GOODBYE !

UGH, NOBODY'S GOING TO TELL US !

THIS IS GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE !

CALM DOWN, TWEEK, THERE HAS TO BE A RATIONAL EXPLANATION.

OH, DUDE, I THINK I MIGHT HAVE IT. WHAT ?

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE... OKAY, RUN WITH ME ON THIS:

IF YOU EAT FOOD, YOU CRAP OUT YOUR BUTT, RIGHT ?

YEAH...

ALRIGHT, NOW KEEP WITH ME HERE, IT GETS A LITTLE COMPLICATED...

IF YOU EAT FOOD AND CRAP OUT YOUR BUTT,

THEN MAYBE IF YOU STUCK FOOD IN YOUR BUTT

YOU COULD CRAP OUT YOUR MOUTH.

HMM ?

CARTMAN, THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID !

THIS WEEK.

THAT'S NOT DUMB THINK ABOUT IT !

FOOD GOES IN THE MOUTH, COMES OUT THE BUTT

FOOD GOES IN THE BUTT, COMES OUT THE MOUTH.

THAT'S NOT DUMB, THAT'S GENIUS.

IT WOULDN'T WORK !

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT ?

I DON'T NEED TO, IT WOULDN'T WORK !

I'LL BET YOU 20 BUCKS IT'LL WORK !

YOU'RE ON, FAT BOY !

OKAY, LET'S GO, JEW !

DOWN WITH GOD !

STAN, YOU'RE AN ATHEIST NOW !

YOU TOO, TWEEK !

DOWN WITH GOD !

I'M A WHAT ?

FATHERS, I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

NO, THANK YOU FOR FINALLY ORGANIZING

AN ALL-PRIEST MEETING, FATHER MAXI.

I THINK WE ALL AGREE

SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE QUICKLY.

UH-HUH. THAT'S RIGHT !

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAS BEEN FOR ALL OF YOU,

BUT ATTENDANCE AT MY CHURCH IN FORT ROLLINS IS DOWN 63%.

I'M DOWN ALMOST 70 IN GREENLEAF.

YES, I'M AFRAID IF THINGS KEEP GOING THE WAY THEY ARE,

WE COULD LOSE OUR ENTIRE RELIGION !

YES, WE'VE GOT TO STOP THESE BOYS FROM GOING TO THE PUBLIC !

THEY'VE GOT TO KNOW TO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT.

YUP ! UH-HUH ! RIGHT !

RIGHT, AND SO-- WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT ?

YES, BUT WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT WHY THESE CHILDREN

ARE SUDDENLY FINDING IT NECESSARY TO REPORT

THAT THEY'RE BEING MOLESTED.

STOP THE PROBLEM AT ITS SOURCE.

YES, BUT HOW ?

WHOA, WHOA-- HOLD ON A SECOND.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT CHILDREN ARE BEING MOLESTED,

NOT THAT THEY'RE REPORTING IT.

HOW DO YOU MEAN ?

WELL, I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY WHAT WE NEED TO PUT A STOP TO

IS ALL THE SEXUAL MISCONDUCT

THAT IS ALLOWED TO TAKE PLACE IN OUR CHURCHES.

NOT JUST TELL THE CHILDREN NOT TO TELL ANYBODY ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, RIGHT ?

DID ANY OF THE CHILDREN YOU'VE MOLESTED COME FORWARD ?

NO ! THAT'S GOOD.

NO, I MEAN, I NEVER MOLESTED

ANY OF THE CHILDREN IN MY CHURCH !

IT'S OKAY, FATHER MAXI, WE'RE ALL PRIESTS HERE,

THE DOORS ARE CLOSED.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD !

ARE YOU ALL SAYING THAT YOU HAVE ENGAGED IN

INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONS WITH YOUR ALTAR BOYS ?

WE ARE HERE TO BRING THE LIGHT OF GOD,

NOT HARM THE INNOCENT !

HA, HA ! HA, HA ! HA, HA !

I'M SERIOUS !

FATHER... HAVING SEX WITH BOYS

IS PART OF THE CATHOLIC PRIEST'S WAY OF LIFE.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

DEAR GOD, THIS PROBLEM IS MUCH MORE SEVERE

THAN I COULD HAVE POSSIBLY IMAGINED.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE VATICAN AND GET HELP !

HGHNN... HGHH...

WELL, CARTMAN ?

HOLD ON !

GOD, LET A MAN CRAP !

HGH... HGH...

WHAT'S GOING ON ?

CARTMAN SHOVED FOOD UP HIS ASS

AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO CRAP OUT HIS MOUTH.

OH.

UGNH... HGNNNH...

WELL GO ON, SMART-ASS, AND DO IT !

I'M DOING IT A'READY !

GOD, GIVE ME A MINUTE !

YOU'VE HAD FIVE, DUDE !

I CAN'T DO IT WITH YOU GUYS WATCHING.

TURN AROUND.

NO, BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST CRAP OUT YOUR BUTT

AND THEN SAY IT CAME OUT YOUR MOUTH !

DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE THAT DECEITFUL, YOU GUYS ?

OH GODDAMMIT, YOU GUYS, I'M SO SERIOUSLY...

UGH... HGNGG !

HWAAAAAGH...

GET THE F--K OUT OF HERE !

YESSS !

YES, I DID IT !

I CRAPPED OUT MY MOUTH !

YOU OWE ME 20 BUCKS, DICKFACE !

THERE YOU GO... UH... GRATSIE.