Retrograde

Singapore just close our Austra-Asia branch.

They're spooked about corona.

We've still got a career, right?

Morrison's announced a lockdown.

Why don't you just ask if you can stay with Rob?

He's just so, like, consistent.

So, not like Dylan?

So... what are you saying, Mads?

I think we should move in together.

I'm in. If you're really in.

- Who's Rob? - Dylan?

You'll be OK, kid.

Sorry, everyone. Maya just needs her, um...

Oh, yeah.

You guys look great, by the way.

Bye.

OK. OK. From the top.

_

OK.

Dude!

I know. I know. I know.

Are you baking?

Dying. I'm dying.

Why did we get so drunk last night?

OK, number one rule in the pandemic, did we forget?

It is don't drink and sext.

I wasn't sexting, OK?

I was genuinely concerned. London is a hotspot.

Yeah, OK, what are you doing?

I'm making hand sanitiser.

Ohh! Maya downloaded this game on my computer and...

Soph, I know, I know she's a child, but she was on my computer.

What? No. She's cancelled.

Yeah. I don't want her to see my pictures. Or her dad's.

Oh, yeah, I wonder if she'd recognise his dick!

Shhh!

And don't get me started on Pawpaw.

She takes him everywhere. He's a walking vector.

COVID, SARS, syphilis, it's got it all.

I'm disinfecting it while she's at her mum's.

Why did I send those messages?

Well, look, don't worry. People are doing weird shit during COVID.

2 am Maddie is a nightmare.

2 am Maddie is the best!

Oh, Mads, don't stress. You're fine.

Really?

Say you've been hacked. It works every time.

Yeah, yeah. It worked for Centrelink.

Mmm. E-crime is on the rise during COVID.

"E-crime"?

Yes, we'd better get the e-police onto it.

"In a global pandemic, e-crimes are especially heinous."

Pandemic, shmandemic. It is just a flu...

OK, if you say it is just a flu, Is,

I swear to God, you know what, I'm gonna e-crime the fuck out of you.

Guys, he's been online and he hasn't replied.

He's an actual psychopath.

Yeah, he's the crazy one.

You were hacked. The least he can do is reply.

Yeah, but she wasn't hacked.

Look, I get it!

He's fun, fucked up, hot AND he cooks.

I mean, he's the rarest Pokemon of them all.

This isn't helping, OK?

Guys, what if he died?

What? London is a hot mess right now.

OK. Let's do our iso lists.

Yes! Yes. Thank you, Isabel!

- The list. - What list?

The other night, they made a list

of all the things they were gonna achieve during lockdown.

Well, we can't just get drunk every night.

Oh, we can, and we will!

OK, I made the sanitiser today, so, tick.

I ordered my coffee machine yesterday.

I haven't done the Deepak Chopra meditation,

but I did sort the Pawpaw sitch.

- What the fuck? - Don't ask.

God, healthy people's obsession with productivity during lockdown

is so amateur.

Maybe I'll buy an Apple Watch.

Oh, my God, get back to me when you have been in bed for three months

and you have finished Candy Crush, twice.

"OnlyFans". Is...

Oh. Maybe I'll buy a fan.

Hey, no, that's not what OnlyFans is.

Well, I'm gonna make a list too.

Yes!

Of all the things I'm missing out on in lockdown.

Oh! We had Patti Smith coming up!

Top of the list.

And tonight, I should be grinding on strangers at poof doof,

touching randos indiscriminately and licking doorknobs.

Victor Hugo wrote Les Mis during the plague.

I mean, the least I can do is get abs.

Or an ab.

Or an ab roller.

Buying things online isn't the same as writing a revolutionary classic

that will be turned into a musical and then later slaughtered

by Hollywood actors who want to win an Oscar, OK?

Alright, well, Victor Hugo wasn't a single parent

with a three-year-old that woke him up at 5 am every morning, OK?

- OK. - Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. Fuck.

You alright there, little boy from The Secret Garden?

Um, Trump just said that hydroxychloroquine can cure COVID.

Hydroxychloro-queen! Which season is she on again?

Um, yeah, it's just... it's one of my medications,

so, um, yeah, I'd better go before it sells out.

OK.

Ohh!

Le Creuset is having a sale.

Oh, I miss my threading lady.

Guys, why did I send Dylan those messages?

When did we become so boring?!

You know who isn't boring?

2 am Maddie.

Close. 20-something Maddie. My favourite edition.

Yeah. Peak Maddie.

So you 'you up?'d Dylan online a couple of times.

Would 20-something Maddie even care? Yeah, five messages, shoot me.

Four times if you don't come emojis.

Let's have some fun tonight! Take your mind off it all.

You only get to die in a pandemic once.

I mean, I guess it's been a while since we've had a blow-out.

Years.

And, you know, Sophie's right.

COVID is way more stressful than we give it credit for.

I think a big night could be medicinal.

Therapeutic.

What's happening?

Submarine?

Lockdown submarine!

Really?

I mean, why not?

I guess my parents can look after Arlo tonight.

- Hey! Whoop-whoop! - Submarine!

Hola!

- Ooh! - Noice.

Hola, mi amores!

Hey!

What are you guys up to?

Submarine!

Cool! What's a submarine?

I told you about these. It's when we block out all the light and...

Take all the drugs and everyone has to guess what time it is

before we check if the sun is up.

And whoever's closest wins what dignity is left.

Let the best man win.

Everyday sexism! Whoo!

Hey, you have to do it with us.

- Yes! - Yeah!

Sorry, guys. Can't have a big one. It's Tuesday.

Damn.

Oh, I've got a mediation at 8 am. Grow up!

Let the Hunger Games begin.

Shit!

What?

I don't have any drugs.

Ah.

Me neither.

Do you know any dealers in Brisbane?

Are you telling me that for two years you've been living there,

you haven't done... anything?

Yeah. I mean no.

I mean, you know, like, I only knew work people when I moved up here.

Oh. Dylan was always your hook-up.

What? I'm just saying he'd know a dealer in Brisneyland for sure.

I'm not gonna find any drugs in butt-fuck Bendigo.

Not true. Regional Victoria is full of ice.

Oh.

Where do you get ice from? Train station?

Oh... OK, you know what? I can't... I can't ask Dylan.

- Dude, I was joking. - I know.

Oh, shit! My parents! They have hash cookies. Yes!

Really?

Wish my parents were old hippies.

No, you don't.

Then you'd have to become a bloodsucking lawyer to rebel.

I heard that! So, are dealers delivering still?

Yep. Reuban, my guy, is all about it.

Two weeks ago, he transitioned to contact-free delivery.

Gloves, the whole thing.

I need a Reuban. Where's my Reuban?

In London, leaving your arse on read.

Isabel, what are you doing...

OK, we need to turn our phones off and disable the time.

Why? I mean, that's part of the whole appeal, right?

They're my cookies! Come back here! I'm just taking one!

And our computers. I don't remember this being so much work.

You can't take whatever you want! You're not the boss of me!

Success!

Whoa. OK. Change of pace.

Submarine!

Yeah, it escalated very quickly.

Did you find your hydro-euro-queen, or whatever it is?

Yeah, no, I tried six pharmacies and they're all out.

What happens if you don't find any?

Uh, I don't know.

Babe, do you want some DMT?

I can send Reuban your way. No, I've got some Endone.