Peep Show

I'm not sick but I'm not well

...And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in he-ell...

'Yeah, fuck you.

'Shit. Five hours on Blitzkreig.

'This isn't how it was meant to be. Week's holiday?

'I was gonna get to grips with the Roman Republic.

'Get into the GI diet.

'Can't stop now - gotta win the war for the Nazis.

'Am I enjoying this?

'Don't know any more. Doesn't matter.

'Gotta finish the level.

'Then read those, do some sit-ups, learn the clarinet.'

OK, bye.

That was your sister. She'll be here in an hour.

My sister?

Yes, your sister. She's coming to stay, remember. I left you a message.

Do you mean the pizza coupon

with "sis mesg?" written with a burnt match?

Yeah, she rang a couple of nights ago.

She's broken up with her husband.

What! Hold on.

Sarah's broken up with Simon? That's terrible.

'Never get my iPod speakers back now.

'Still, on the bright side, the base response was pretty awful.'

So, Sarah, great to see you.

We haven't had a proper chat in ages.

I've been chomping at the bit.

All this crap with Simon's brought up so much stuff for me.

Really.

You seen they have jumbo cashews now?

Yeah, I think we're overdue for a big chat, aren't we?

Spill some home truths?

Yeah. Course, I was happy enough

with the normal size. But nothing lasts.

All the shit that went on at Grange Terrace before the move,

get it all out, cos it's so hard when

you're trying to work through this family stuff on your own, isn't it?

'Why do the people who want to talk about things always win?

'Why can't the people who don't want to talk about things win? '

It's great getting everything out in the open.

I think so, but a lot of men don't see it that way.

They're just not comfortable talking about emotions.

I think it's different when you're a musician.

You're a musician?

Yeah, I'm a musician. I really think that music

really opens you up emotionally.

A lot of musicians like me feel that way.

I think that's great.

'Oh, my God, he's doing it.

'His routine. He's doing his routine on my sister! '

Yeah. Mark's not too musical.

He bought a clarinet but he uses it to hit a cymbal.

'She's laughing.

'She's laughing at his jokes! ' Yes, great, Jeremy, getting

everything out in the open. Have you told Sarah

how you've got chlamydia and you're still in love with Big Suze?

It was a visa marriage, it's symptomless

and it's a platonic love, as you might have for a dog or a sandwich.

Be back in two ticks.

I see you. I know what you're doing.

- What? - You're gonna try and sleep with her.

I can see it in your eyes.

Look, Mark, she's your sister.

I know that. Yeah?

Promise me you'll not try to sleep with her.

I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

So, you slept with her.

You promised!

I promised to try not to.

Yeah, well you didn't try very hard, did you!

Mark, I tried incredibly hard.

It just turns out it was impossible not to.

Morning, Mark. >

Hey, honey, I called Frank about the clerking job.

Should be fine for you to fill-in. Come in 10ish.

Cool, thanks.

'They're rubbing it in. It's like I've got his member in my face.'

Easy money. Turns out getting a job doesn't involve spending hours

making sure every single word on your CV's spelt right, hey, Mark.

Nothing means anything to you, does it?

Friendship, loyalty - they're just

fusty old words, like sixpence and codpiece, to you, aren't they?

Oh, Mark. Mate, it isn't like that at all.

She's in a vulnerable state, Jeremy.

She's not a refugee, Mark.

She's a 29-year-old solicitor.

With a great arse.

Don't say that!

I know what you do with the electric toothbrush

and the bum stuff. God, I can't believe I'm even thinking about it.

Couldn't you find anyone else to shag?

Mark, mate, look,

this wasn't just a shag.

As soon as I met her, I had these strong,

almost uncontrollable feelings.

You'll say anything. Words don't mean a thing to you, do they?

I think I love her.

I think I've fallen in love with her.

You can't blame me for falling in love with her, can you?

No, I guess not.

It's just, I don't believe you.

Oh, right. There's not much I can really do about that, is there?

Unless you want me to buy her the biggest puppy

or heart-shaped cushion in the world?

Is that literally what you want me to do? >

Buy her a puppy the size of Digby, the biggest dog in the world.

'lf I don't pay it's OK. If I don't pay it's OK.

'Oh, God. Four hours of my precious holiday wasted.

'The day's a write-off. Might as well just carry on.

'Must be something to puncture my thickening shield of numbness.

Just a minute.

'There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

'Looking at porn is just like lying to Parliament.

'It used to be wrong but now it's just a great big funny joke.'

Big Suze.

Hi, Mark. I was after Jez. I need someone to run my lines with. Is he?

No, Jez, he's not here. He's with my sister.

They've started going out, actually.

Oh, God, wow.

He's moving on.

What are the lines?

Oh, I just got a part in the stage version of the movie Crash.

You know, the one about people who feel sexy

when they think about road traffic accidents.

'God she's beautiful.

'How did Jeremy ever...

'I guess she's just a bit stupid.'

Not interrupting, am I? What were you up to?

Oh, no, just a bit of internet research.

Right. "Looking at nudie ladies" research. >

'My God, she's not stupid, she's incredibly perceptive.'

Don't worry, I won't tell Sophie.

God, no, nothing like that. I wish.

No, historical.

Sophie wouldn't want to know about history.

I'll actually turn that off.

I was just heading out - salad and a Hawksmoor church.

Hawksmoor, my God, I think

my mum's related to a Hawksmoor, about a million times removed.

'God, she's so posh that I,

'Mark Corrigan, who was privately educated

'until dad's British Aerospace shares went kaput,

'could be her bit of rough.'

Listen, if you want...

You probably don't want to... You'd be very welcome to...

I'd love to.

That really was a great church, wasn't it? So beautiful.

I know. They're probably just waiting

for the last few Christians to die out

and then they'll convert it it into a prestige living space.

'Oh, God, she's so incredibly lovely. She's probably got a title.

'She's just too modest to say.

'Lady Big Suze and Lord Mark.

'No, don't get ahead of yourself.

'Just focus on trying to lean her towards ecclesiastical architecture

'and away from disco dancing.'

Come on, keep up.

But watch out, though, I'm on your tail.

I'm Hawksmoor, you're Wren.

'Oh, my God, I've fallen in love with her.

'Of course. Brilliant. How incredibly predictable.

'What a total fucking dope.'

'This is the life. I'm eating over

'the five fruit and veg a day, managed to cut Jeremy down to one.

'He still thinks potatoes count, the arsehole.

'I'm winning, I'm not gonna get cancer and he is.

'I don't want him to, but if one of us is gonna get it,

'which we obviously are, I'd rather it was him.'

You're looking well.

Thanks. And you're back from work.

How is work?

How's work? How's work, he says.

You've seen the Killing Fields, right.

What's Big Suze doing here?

Oh, she's just e- mailing her agent about the play.

That is ticketyboo.

She said you two had been out.

Oh, yeah, we just popped to the British Museum

and then to the lmax to watch a 3D film about the Rolling Stones.

Block of fudge?

What's going on? Do you fancy her? Are you in love with her?

What!

My God, Jeremy, of course not. No.

Yeah, well you'd better not be.

Thanks for telling Sarah that I'm in love with her.

Normally when people are in love and sharing a bed,

contrary to all prior arrangements, they like to shout about it.

Look, I'm in love with her, all right.

It's just, she wants to talk about it a lot,

which I'm fine with, but while I'm eating a jacket potato?

'Potato - perfect.'

Mark, I'm sorry, but I think I might have deleted >

your e-mail address book. >

Oh, that's fine, don't worry.

You are in love with her!

What? No, I'm not.

Yes, you bloody are. You practically crucified me

the day I changed your home page.

No, it's just, I have a paper copy.