Closet Monster

And in we go. Boom! Boom! And this goes like that.

Okay, catch ya later. See ya around.

- Can I have a dream? - A dream? Absolutely not.

- It's too late, buddy. - Please! Please, please, please...

Nope. There's nothing I can do, I'm off the clock. Get a union guy.

Alright, alright, big sulk.

I'll give you a dream. Here we go. Ready?

Yeah.

Um...

so it's a full moon,

and a gang of vampires...

are stalking throughout the graveyard,

and all you have is a little wooden stake.

It's gonna be super dangerous.

It's gonna be super scary.

But not, like, so scary that you come and you wake up Mom and Dad.

And you're gonna be surrounded

by sexy ladies.

- You ready? - Yeah.

Tell me how it is.

Go on.

Oscar, your father and I have something to tell you.

"Your father"? No. Don't say your father. Your father has nothing...

- You said we could do it now. - Yeah, I said give him the hamster now.

Don't tell him that and then take it away from him. Your mother's leaving us.

Peter, don't confuse him. We need to be honest.

What? I'm being more honest with him than you are.

Skeet, I'm not leaving you!

It's okay. It's okay.

- What's wrong? I'm scared.

- What're you scared of? - They are so loud.

I don't want to have to move.

What're you doing?

Sometimes, when I feel threatened,

I gather comfort food and store it in my cheek pouches.

This way, no matter where I wake up, I don't have to go out and find food.

It's already there. Already in my mouth.

Are you okay?

I'm scared too.

Would you like a pellet?

How about some company?

Skeet, let go.

- Please? - (GROWLING)

Just...

I'm not leaving you, okay? You'll be with me every second week.

- (SPITTING) - (PETER SCOFFING)

I'm sorry.

- (DOOR CLOSING) - (CRYING)

Hey. Hey, hey, come here.

Come here. Look, look, it's okay. It's okay. We're going to be good.

What's your name? - Um... how about... Buffy?

Where are you taking me?

It's totally true. I swear to God.

- Hey, buddy, what's that on your nails? - Anna.

- What? - Oh, my God, see?

- Leave him alone. - What?

Well, when boys check their nails, they're supposed to hold their hand in a claw,

like this. But if you check your nails from behind

it means you're probably gonna grow up to be gay.

- Jesus, Anna! - What? It's not a big deal.

Give it back! What do you got there, buddy?

- Boys, he's got a diary! - Look, Buffy. I think he needs our help.

- Leave me alone! - Where are you going?

- Leave me alone! - We want to talk to you!

- Just be cool, alright? - Fuck...

- Fuck you! - (BOYS LAUGHING)

Back off!

Don't touch me, I will fucking hurt you.

Stop it!

- (GRUNTING) - (LAUGHING)

Harder, harder!

He's crying.

Do something. Help him.

- (SNAPPING) - (GASPING)

Come on, let's go! Let's go!

Cloudy and wet drizzle all the way across the island...

Nothing too surprising there.

A 16-year-old student has been violently assaulted

behind Bishop Fleming School.

RCMP are reporting that the hate-crime victim is paralyzed from the waist down.

Police are asking anyone with more information to please contact Crime Stoppers.

- I'm Lisa Wiseman, reporting for... - Why did they do that to him?

Hmm? Do what?

Put a metal rod up his bum.

What? Jesus! Where did you hear that?

Uh...

Well, he's gay.

That's why I keep telling ya, you gotta get rid of this hair, buddy.

- You can do it, buddy! - (ROPE STRETCHING)

- Don't be a wimp. - (SNAPPING)

Hey, are you gonna finish this or what?

If we don't make it to fourth period I'm not going at all.

Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

How many more of these do I have to do? - Just one more.

Oh, thank God! If I have to wash any more glycerin out of my bra,

you're the one that's going to be cleaning it.

Almost done. Just have to set it.

Close your eyes.

- You too. - Don't tell me what to do!

- Big breath! - (INHALES DEEPLY)

Mm.

It's good. Just let me get my camera, then we should go.

Oh, yeah, right. I'm not the only one going to school looking like this.

Embarrassing number of unsolicited nude photos

sent between students at our school.

We understand that adolescence is a very fertile time,

so today we're going to discuss some traditional methods of showing affection.

And back... head back a little bit more? There we go.

Yeah, that's good. Play with your hair.

- Like that? - But...

- a little more sexy. - What? A little more sexy?

- A little... - Okay, I'm trying! Jesus. Okay.

- (LAUGHING) - (CAMERA CLICKING)

- Should I lose a button? - No, no, no.

- I think we got it. - Oh, yeah? Can I see?

- (LAUGHING) - Mm-hmm. So hot.

Oh... I'm such a slut. Ah!

Oh, I almost forgot, I found us a shithole apartment in Brooklyn

- that's almost in our price range. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, that's... that's awesome. - Yeah.

- Is that a garbage chute? - Oh, no... that's a bedroom.

Okay. Weird.

- Sorry, I don't know why... - (STUTTERING)

- I know we're like... - No, it's okay. I'm...

Here, uh... come on over and I can take those off.

- (YELPING) Peter! - Oh, hey, Gem, I didn't see you there.

Customers are confused, disoriented,

weak-willed, so all you have to say is,

"That's a nice one." Just say it with me.

That's a nice one.

Do one by yourself.

- That's a nice one. - Yeah. You're gonna have to work on that.

Okay. So, the second one is a little bit trickier.

Whatever it is they're holding, observe the merchandise

and then try to find some kind of positive statement to say about it,

like, "That looks like a very cooling fan," or...

"That'll really compliment your crown mouldings."

- Get it? - Yeah, I think I get it.

Good. Okay, let's have a go.

That's a nice one.

It has really good... um, pressure.

What's the difference between the two?

That's... a nice one.

Fuck...

Hey, can I borrow your shirt? I forgot mine.

It might be kind of sweaty now.

Do you perspire a lot?

Not a lot, I mean, I've just been moving boxes all day, so probably more than...

That's alright. I've worn much worse.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Thanks.

- I'm Oscar. - Me too.

- (RUMBLING SOUND) - (GROANING)

Ooh, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down,

don't look down, don't look down.

Oscar, listen, I know what happened last time, but I really think

it would be a good idea for me to give the traveling plastic ball another shot.

What is that?

- What is what? - There is something different about you.

Nothing different about me.

Oh, it's, um, an energy thing. You look, um... happier.

- I am not happy. - Oh, my God, Oscar! You are in love!

- You've been watching too many soap operas! - Who is it and when can I meet them?

I'm not in love, you're insane.

You can't lie to me, Oscar. I'm your spirit animal.

What are you doing? What are you... Oh!

Hey. Um...

- So... - Oh, amazing, thank you!

I mean, I don't know... I can do whatever you want, I didn't know...

No, no, this is perfect for my final shoot with Gemma.

Yeah? When does your dear old dad get to take a look-see?

Not yet, I have to finish the branding for the application first.

Okay, alright. Don't poke your eye out.

Hey! Clean that cage!

- (WHIRRING SOUND) - (BUFFY LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

Oh, Oscar, can you do me a favor?

Depends...

Could you please build me one of these elevators for my cage?

- Are you trying to escape too? - The fear factor excites me.

Mm-hmm.

- Stop! What are you doing? - I'm cleaning your cage.

I can clean it myself. I'm not a child.

Okay, your highness.

Did you remember your camera?