Office Christmas Party

Are you kidding me?

Oh, Josh! Sorry I'm late.

That's all right.

Office holiday breakfast.

You guys have parties at 10:30 in the morning?

Less liability.

Apparently, people don't get drunk before noon.

- Mmm. - It's boring as shit.

- But the partners want us there, so... - Sure.

Anyways, after a year of negotiation, your divorce is finalized.

These are the terms we agreed to.

The alimony, the house. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. It's only money.

It is only

all of the money.

But it's the season for giving, right?

I know how you feel.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know you were divorced.

Oh, God, no. That'd be crushing.

- Hmm. - But I get it.

On one level, it must seem like, uh,

"I'm signing away a huge chunk of my life

"that I'm never getting back."

Mmm-hmm.

That's it? No other level?

- No, that's it. Uh, initials. - Oh.

Hey. There are good things ahead for you, okay?

- Yeah. Oh. - Come here.

- Thank you. Thanks, buddy. - Merry Christmas.

Hey, what's this?

My final bill's in there.

- Is it? - Oh, also my holiday card.

The wife had me and the kids dress up

like members of One Direction. Pretty fun.

Mmm. Dynamite.

Yes, Mom, it is all done. I am divorced.

Well, you should tell Dad

that she is not coming over for Christmas.

Why? Because we're divorced, Mom!

Well... Oh, Mom, don't worry about that. I'm still gonna be fun.

I'm still gonna be fun Uncle Josh, you know?

Yeah. (STAMMERS) Well, without doing that...

No, you can leave the Santa suit in the attic.

Why? Because I'm an adult

and dressing up as Santa Claus would be embarrassing.

Hi. Unless, you know, you're doing it for charity.

Then it's... Then it's, um... Sorry.

Tell Dad that I love... Oh! That's lucky.

Just put me down for five bucks, okay?

Hanging up, Mom.

Hey, Carla, good morning.

You see something over there? What do you got?

I think that Starbucks

- attracts a bad element, Josh. - Oh, yeah.

Listen. Give me the green light...

- Mmm-hmm. - ...and I'll shut it down.

Oh, I love that initiative. It's awesome.

Could you sign me in real quick, please?

I wish I could, but they got us sending you

through these machines now.

Gonna replace my ass, matter of time.

That's never gonna happen.

These machines don't have your smile, Carla.

- Make that money! - (MACHINE BEEPS)

Josh, we have a situation.

Mary! How do you always just appear?

You're like a human pop-up ad.

Did you read my latest memo on appropriate work dress?

Uh, almost done. Don't ruin the end.

Well, some people didn't. And those people are Meghan.

Nobody listens to H.R.

Hey, Meghan?

I thought that I have been clear about

the number of buttons that can be unbuttoned on a shirt.

- You were serious about that? - It's winter.

Can we put Dancer and Prancer back in their stable?

Are you body-shaming her right now?

Some people here

might find your outfit offensive.

Well, some people might find your outfit offensive.

And really confusing.

Oh, I thought it was clear.

This is a multi-denominational holiday sweater.

It has Christmas,

Hanukkah, Kwanzaa,

the Buddhist day of enlightenment,

and Boxing Day on it.

Everyone's included!

Is everyone included?

What about... What about the... The Mormons?

What about the Jews for Jesus?

- What about Scientologists? - Yeah. Mysticism.

What about Shintōism?

Satanism.

Right.

What about something for the Satanists?

Jeremy, come on. I... I admire the stand that you're taking,

but let's schedule the protest rally

for after the workday, shall we?

And, Mary, let's let it slide.

Thank you.

Good morning, everybody.

You can't silence us all.

I know why you took a medical leave.

It's hard for me to bring her out in public because she's so beautiful.

Hey, guys.

People put models on this crazy pedestal...

- Yep. - But I think that's why, you know,

Becca fell for me,

because I just treat her like a normal person.

Good for you, man. Hey, so, um, are you gonna be

inviting your fake girlfriend to the holiday party later?

I mean, I just want to make sure you have time to inflate her.

- (LAUGHS) - Okay, Becca's real.

And we're not gonna mix business with pleasure.

Sounds like he didn't invite her, dude.

Oh, my God, did you not...

Oh, no! I mean, I hope she's not imaginary pissed.

You won't get any more imaginary blow jobs.

- Right? - (LAUGHING)

Tim. Drew.

Hey, it's a couple days before Christmas.

Let's just try to keep it positive till then, okay?

- We're totally positive. - No, we're all about...

Totally positive that he is full of shit.

- (DREW LAUGHS) - Hey...

You bring it on yourself, Nate.

- You know, I do have a girlfriend. - I know.

She's a human woman, and we've done it.

Maybe just don't talk about her so much at work.

It's just gonna make those guys jealous.

You know, not only are you their boss,

but you also have a hot girlfriend.

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah. - You know?

It's too much. I hate you.

Yeah.

- Have a good day. - You, too!

Can you believe corporate raised the price

in the vending machine again?

$2 for ginger ale?

They're trying to crush us like ants!

No, there's a lot of bad energy in this office.

(ROCK MUSIC BLASTING OVER HEADPHONES)

Yo, Josh, what the fuck?

What the fuck, Tracey?

You changed the security code without telling me?

Yeah, I'm working on sensitive shit, and I don't want prying eyes.

I'm prying eyes? I'm your supervisor.

Chief technical officer, lead systems engineer.

Yeah, well, I'm the only one who knows how to hack the security panel,

so suck my dick.

Nice. Okay.

What are you working on?

Oh, It's too complicated to explain.

What is that, subroutine for duplex compression?

Don't tell me that's what I think it is.

This is the future of Zenotek.

Hey, we should pitch this to Data City!

That's a theory.

You want to peg the company to a theory?

Man, you used to get excited by big ideas.

Now you just bunt, and ask for the same thing over and over.

I swing for the fences.

And I'm going to change the fucking game.

Okay. I need the specs for the Data City pitch, please.

Already done. Here.

Great. That was fast.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Hey, are you okay? - Yeah.

Really? Because you seem a little off today.

You seem a little weird.

- Well... - Oh, my gosh!

Today is the day, right? Hey!

Congratulations, you're free!

You gonna get a back tattoo and some skinny jeans?

Funds are a little tight, but... (INHALES)

It feels good to be free.

Yeah.

All right. Thank you for this.

- Hey, J. - Yeah?

I got you for Secret Santa again.

I know. I got you, too.

Oh, sweetie, that is so great! Mommy's so proud of you.

Hey, could you put your daddy back on the phone for a second?

Hey, Allison. Is he ready?

You fucking motherfucker!

If I hear you let your stripper girlfriend

put my children on her motorcycle one more time,

I will Gone Girl you so hard!

- (SOFTLY) You can go in. - I'm just gonna go in. Thank you.

No, no, no. Don't try and sell this as some win-win situation.

This is not my first rodeo, okay?

- Is that Data City? - No.

No.

Rick, do you want this deal or not?

Because if you want him, you're gonna have to pay for him.

It's almost the playoffs,

not the second week of the regular season.

Perfect. It's the right choice.

I am running a train on this league.