Call Your Mother

I told Ted Jr. your kids were letting you stay in L.A.

10 minutes later that raggedy wife of his e-mails,

reminding me that two weeks in the summer

and every other Christmas were the terms we agreed on.

You have terms?

Oh, yeah. She's insane.

I had to sign documents.

Why are you smiling?

Am I smiling?

Mhmm. I haven't seen you smile that big

since you got that hug from that Hootie of the Blowfish

at the Iowa County Fair.

Oh. I know what it is.

It's that landlord-therapist boyfriend.

No! Danny?

No! Not my boyfriend.

That was just an intense mutual attraction

that ended in an almost-kiss.

I don't even know what's going to happen with that.

Mm-hmm.

I know what's going to happen.

You've worked your "Jean Magic" on him.

He's all yours.

Oh, yeah, right. "Jean Magic."

I haven't brought out that old bag of tricks since high school.

Well, trick. I only had the one move.

Doesn't matter. I'm here to reconnect with my kids.

I'm surprising them this morning

with my famous bacon-cheddar muffins.

Ooh, girl, I love those muffins.

You know, is there some reason you can't connect

with your kidsand get it on with your landlord?

Alright, maybe I will stop by and bring a muffin

to Danny on my way to the kids.

Ooh, give him a muffin, girl.

Oh. Why do you make it sound dirty?

Because you're in L.A. with this big life

and you left me alone with a 17-year-old cat

and a filthy mind.

"Oh, I miss you, too. I miss you.@

Enough to come back to Iowa?

Not yet. But I love you.

And I'm happy.

Then I'm happy.

Alright. Stop smiling. Your gums are going to dry out.

Oh, Ripper!

No! Don't eat my muffins!

No, no, no! Shoo!

Oh, God. Ripper! Off! Off!

Get in the house. I'm so sorry.

He's such a bad boy. Do you need help?

No, it's okay. It's fine.

He was just playing.

Dan, Ripper just knocked this poor lady

right down on the ground.

-Oh. -Oh, no,

your cupcakes are ruined.

Oh, it's just a little dirt.

My kids will still eat them.

And they're not cupcakes.

They're my famous bacon-cheddar muffins.

-Oh. -Oh! Pig and dairy?

I had no idea anyone still ate like that.

-I'm from Iowa. -She's from Iowa.

Uh, Jean, this is Cheryl. Cheryl's my, uh...

Still your wife.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And, um, a-and this is Jean.

Jean's just a renter.

-Oh. -Yeah.

Right. You're renting out the guesthouse

we built for my parents.

Right.

You know, if you fought for custody of them,

I wouldn't fight back.

I don't think so.

When we first got married,

uh, her mom said I was just like Mel Gibson.

And then when we split up, she still said it,

! but for different reasons.@

You know who would love that story?

-Hmm? -Dr. Bendle.

-Oh, yeah. -Our marriage counselor.

-Oh, Jean. -Yeah. Still here.

Good luck with the marriage counseling.

I'm really rooting for you guys.

And, um, it's nice to meet you, Cheryl.

Aww.

Nice to see you again...

just-a-landlord.

So he's still married, and she's tall and pretty.

You're normal height for someone in the Midwest.

And you have Jean magic.

Okay, you're giving yourself one of your hallway pep talks.

Who wronged you?

I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with being

your own cheerleader, sweetie.

Why are you here?

I made you some of my famous bacon-cheddar muffins.

I thought I heard a happy sound!

What's going on, Mom?

Oh. I live five minutes away.

Do I need a reason to stop by and see my favorite daughter

whenever I feel like it?

Our home is your home.

No! Your home is my home, my home is my home,

and your home is in Iowa. And while you're in L.A.,

I would really appreciate a call before you come over.

Did you not get

my mother-daughter boundaries e-mail?

Did you send it to my phone e-mail or my iPad e-mail?

I'm not explaining the Internet to you again.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I would have called on my way over,

but it was kind of a weird morning.

It turns out Danny, my landlord,

is more married than I thought he was.

You Raines women make some questionable choices

in the dating department.

Okay, well, at least my boyfriend isn't married.

At least my boyfriend isn't my boss.

This is a very low standards contest.

Are you okay, Mother Raines?

Lane, don't call her "Mother Raines."

She doesn't like it.

-I don't mind it. -She loves it.

You know, we should all go out to breakfast.

We're not going to breakfast. It's Monday morning.

We're going to work.

Today's Monday? You have no seasons here.

I'm all turned around.

I love everything that you say.

Come on. I'll take you over to Freddie's on my way to work.

He'll keep an eye on you.

Only in L.A. do people treat a 40-year-old woman

like a grandma.

Mom.

45.

-Mom! -Let's just go!

I left you some of my famous bacon-cheddar muffins.

Why is everything you cook "famous"?

Why is Kevin Costner famous?

Because he's hot and everybody loves him.

Just like my muffins.

Freddie, I need you to take Mom.

I have to work. And she's sad because

she's dating a married man.Jackie!

I can't take Mom. I have work, too.

Please, Freddie.

You work from home. You're wearing pajamas.

I have a big meeting in 20 minutes.

Oh, where's your meeting? Is it over there?

She could hang out with me.

Guys, I'm fine.

Since when is making muffins for your kids a cry for help?

Come on, Freddie. Just put her in front of the TV,

and then maybe tonight you can do breakfast for dinner.

You know how she loves that.

What's breakfast for dinner?

It's something we used to do growing up.

You know, it's like, hey, it's dinner time,

but we're eating pancakes!

Yeah, it doesn't sound fun now because we have Grubhub,

but when we lived in Iowa, it was revolutionary.

It's still fun! And it's not just pancakes.

It's waffles, French toast. Eggs.

Come on, Freddie, she can go to work with you on the couch

and play video games.

That's not what I do, and you know it.

Really? Okay.

What do you do?

I test and I design video games.

Yeah, Jackie. It's a big boy job.

Mom, don't help me.

You should take care of Mom.

Youshould take care of Mom.

I'll take care of your mom.

Guys! Please stop.

I don't need a babysitter.

I'm perfectly capable of figuring things out on my own.

In fact, I made myself hungry

talking about breakfast for dinner.

Maybe I'll just go to brunch by myself.

No, Mom. Aunt Kim started going to brunch by herself.

Now she goes on cruises by herself.

Don't be Aunt Kim.

I could go to brunch.

You know what, Celia? What the heck?

Let's you and I go to brunch.

Great! Ooh, I know a place with bottomless mimosas.

A mimosa is orange juice with champagne.

Wait, that makes it kinda part breakfast, part dinner.

Am I doing it? I think I'm doing it!

I'm glad we're doing this. First "no Freddie" outing?

It's kind of a big moment.

Oh, sorry you got stuck with me.

No. What are you talking about?

So, tell me about your work.

How did you become a social-media influencer?

Ah, classic story --

I went to undergrad at USC

for Communications and Media Studies.