I Hate Suzie

- (RUMBLING BACKGROUND NOISE) - (CLOCK TICKS)

I like your hair.

This is much nicer than the other room.

This is the better room.

I don't think he's, um, going to come.

I think he just wants me to have to tell you.

Well, I know I said we should wait.

But, perhaps, if this is...

- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

- Hello, Cob. Hey.

So sorry I'm late, Rose. Um, child care issues.

Well, I would say it's nice to see you both again.

But I suppose I wouldn't be, unless something's happened?

Suzie is not living at the house anymore, Rose.

Oh?

Because...

Um...

Okay, so, um, someone

somehow has... had access to my phone

or hacked my phone

and downloaded... downloaded photos.

And there was a photo of me on there with someone else. Sexually.

Very clearly someone else.

- Right. Mm-hm.

Gosh. That must be quite a shock.

I'll fucking say.

And... and Cob assumes that that means

that I'm being unfaithful.

Yeah. Mmm.

Why would I... (LAUGHS) Why would I possibly...

Oh! Of course.

I get it, because I'm insane.

Right, because seeing something with your own eyes

has absolutely no meaning, right?

That's... This is gaslighting.

Uh, what's... what's happening with Franky?

- (LAUGHS) - Frank. Um...

So... he's, uh... he's fine.

You know, I mean, I am...

... I am coming into the house

at, like, 6am to wake him up

and, um... and then leaving

and then coming back at the end of the day.

- I think he's fine. - (COB SNIGGERS)

I think he's fine.

Um, I don't think he realises, you know,

except this weekend when we're going to the convention, but...

Whose cock is it?

Whose cock is it?

It's what we're here for. Let's just...

We're here now. We're there. Whose cock is it?

Suzie, whose cock is it?

- Do you... I mean... - Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it?

Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it? Yeah.

- Do you want me to answer that? - Whose cock is it?

- I don't... - Whose cock is it?

Whose fucking cock is it?!

I've got it. - Shit.

You don't have to keep giving me your bed.

- I know I don't have to. - It's so cold.

- How long have you been sat there? - I've got a plan.

We go to the convention, as booked,

but our attitude is, "Fuck you, fake news, you lose".

No, that just... that sounds horrific.

But not going makes it look like it's you and you care.

It is me. And I do care.

Let's not dignify it with a response.

No comment from us and it all goes away.

Hmm. Mmm.

- I really need my phone. - Yeah, the police still have it.

But you've got this one.

It has all your same contacts and names in it.

It just can't go online, which is good.

Why? What are they saying?

Yeah, you don't need to see that.

Why, is it bad?

- Uh... - Nay?

But the whole convention is just gonna be sat there, you know.

They're just gonna be sat there

and they're just gonna be looking at my tits

and thinking about me sucking cock.

Yeah, but they always are, babe.

You get dressed.

Are you alright? - Yeah.

Don't forget, no photos or signing anything

until you're on the official table.

We make no reference to the hack at all.

Hi, Suzie. Thanks very much.

- Also, I've cancelled the Q&A. Hi.

So don't answer any questions.

Look at all these people that love you.

- Thanks. - Hi!

Thanks very much.

- I love you. - Hi.

Okay, that's great. Thank you.

Captain Bria! - (SCI-FI SOUNDS EFFECTS PLAY)

We don't mention the real world at all.

Nobody cares here.

- Nobody cares about the photos. - Right.

- All they care about is Captain Bria. - Yeah.

- There's not gonna be a Q&A. - Right.

- Some water? - Oh, thank you.

So just go out there and be a smiley, charming bad-ass

like a bad-ass on bad-ass patrol.

Or don't if you don't want to. Just do what you want.

- Okay. - Also, can you talk about 'AfterDeath'

rather than the sci-fi you did 12 years ago?

- But nobody watches 'AfterDeath'. - Yeah, they do.

Then why do I never meet them?

Because viewing figures don't matter anymore.

Oh, right. It only matters who clicks on it?

Yeah. And, well, that doesn't matter either but...

- So what does matter? - Excuse me, they're ready for you.

- Shh. Okay. Let's go. - Okay. Great. Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay, let's welcome to the stage

the real Captain Bria, Suzie Pickles!

- Anything hanging out my nose? - No, you're good.

- Are you sure? - You're good.

Thank you!

Shall I go this way or this way? Hi!

Here's your mic.

Thank you.

- Welcome along. - Shall I just hold this like this?

- Yeah, however you like. - Like, I think that's normal?

Yeah. (LAUGHS) That's fine. Um, alright.

So, you all know our Suzie from her varied career, of course.

From 'Quo Vadis'...

... and more recent stuff as well,

uh, the soap stuff...

- Yeah. But we don't mention that. - Alright.

And, of course, 'AfterDeath', which is on streaming now.

Yeah, that's right. And who doesn't love Nazi zombies?

- Right. - (LAUGHTER)

Okay, so usually we do a Q&A format.

Uh, I think, today we're just gonna have a conversation between us...

Aww...

- Oh, no, the masses are revolting! - (LAUGHS)

They've queued for hours to talk to you, Captain Bria.

Come on, do it. You promised!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Uh, no, no, no. I love Q&A. No, I love Q&A...

- (WHISTLING) - I wanna, you know...

- I wanna talk directly to them. - Yeah?

- You know, I... I love you guys. - (CHEERING)

- Alright, great! - Whoo!

Uh, let's go to some questions, then.

The mic's out there somewhere.

Uh, yeah, guy with the beard.

Uh, no. Uh, no.

Yeah, you. There you go. Yeah.

- Hi, Suzie. - Hello! How are you?

- I love your top. - Oh, thank you, Suzie.

In 'Quo Vadis', your character dies at the end of the series.

But if she did that,

Captain Bria couldn't go back

to where we found her in the first episode on the ship.

Um...

Uh, it would make sense if it was in a different dimension.

Yeah, it would. And I've never closed down that reading.

But, you know, if I'm, um... if I'm just really honest,

I was just thinking about

getting into that bloody catsuit every week.

- I mean jumpsuit. - Jumpsuit. Yeah.

Um, well, it is funny you should mention the jumpsuit, Suzie,

because we did a little research mission of our own.

Yep.

And we found the jumpsuit from 'Quo Vadis'.

- (WHOOPING AND CHEERING) - Um, yeah, the real one.

- So let's bring it out. - You're joking.

Here we go. There it is.

- Look at it. - Is it actually the real one?

It's the real one from the archives, yeah.

Oh. Do you need a moment?

- I just remember the smell! - (AUDIENCE CALLS OUT)

Alright, well, lots of other questions

whilst you reacquaint yourself with the jumpsuit.

So, uh, yes, the lady on the side.

- Hi, Suzie. Hi.

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about those pictures.

It's such an invasion of privacy.

I can't even imagine.

But it's great to see you here today.

Thank you so much.

So how have you been coping?

Yeah, um...

Yeah. - Yeah...

- I... I... I don't... - Can we move it along?

I don't really think this is the venue. In fact, I...

- Can I just take this... - Yeah.

... moment to... before we get started?

- Yes, of course you can. - Okay. Um...

So, um...

Look, I just wanted to say that there are...

... there were some photos posted online last week,

um... supposedly of me,

stolen from me in some mass hack,

and I just wanna say that even though I have no issue

with whatever it is that person's supposed to be doing in the photo...

Um, it's not me. No.