The Mindy Project

After years as a high-profile doctor in the main Manhattan hospital,

this summer, I gave it all up to move to Haiti.

Haiti's not that different from New York City,

except not as many people scream at you,

and it smells much better.

The best part, is that I'm here with my *

he's a minister no big deal.

We live together, we shop together.

We even carpool to work together.

We're basically an old married couple,

except we're young and hot.

Oh! I bought stationery that has my name on it,

and I correspond with people.

I've been able to keep close tabs on my life back home,

thanks to an old form of email called "mail."

Morgan's been sending me thoughtful care packages,

but I think someone's been stealing my peanut butter cups.

I feel a little guilty about leaving my job.

I just hope the practice doesn't fall apart without me.

I guess Danny's too busy enjoying his second honeymoon

to keep me up on my TV shows.

But that's okay.

We've gotten addicted to Haiti's biggest reality hit,

the real houseflies of port-au-prince.

I guess it's safe to say that I don't miss New York at all.

Everything's great.

Except when my boyfriend wakes me up at 5:00 A.M.

To see the Haitian sunrise.

Look at you.

If, six months ago, I'd said,

"hey, let's climb a tree

and check out this beautiful-ass sunrise,"

you'd punch me in the crotch, right?

I'm not happy about it now.

But... You barely hate it.

Yeah, I mean, it looks... Right?

It looks like a douche ad.

Not exactly the best segue I was looking for.

There's ants on this.

Mindy...

- Stop. - Listen.

Are you kidding me?

No. Hey.

I wanna vine this.

I... people should... Okay.

Mindy, when I first met you, I thought,

"this is probably gonna be a fling," you know,

based on your body type alone.

But I thought it'd be a fun little detour, you know.

"We'll go off-roadin',

just head up the dune and see what happens."

But it wasn't a detour.

This was my path.

I love you.

Mindy Lahiri, will you marry me?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Can I... can I?

Put it on...

'Cause I see a lady in this tree

that should be having my baby.

- Mm! Mm! - Whoa, oh!

Oh, God.

It is so hot that you're gonna be my wife.

But let me warn you. Mm-hmm?

My family has a lot of heart disease.

Yeah?

I could die while we're doin' it or something.

Mm... ow! Oh, God. What's up?

- What is it? - Oh, my God.

- Oh, it's my stomach. - Mindy...

Hey, come on, five minutes.

- Five... - Okay, just two.

All I need is two. I can take care of everything.

Yeah, yeah, okay, and I'm horny, too,

'cause you're gonna be my husband.

- Mm! Oh, God! - What?

Oh, I'm close, too. Damn it, no...

- No, ow! - What?

Mindy...

Come on. Hey, hey, Mindy?

Mindy... Mindy...

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, oh, g... Oh, shh, quiet!

Quiet, no, no, no, no. Quiet! Stop, stop!

Oh, w-we're fine!

Shh, mm, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

I've been snow white-ing you for the past hour.

- Shh. - You all good?

There you go. Where am I?

You're in New York City!

Got airlifted out of Haiti

to have emergency gallbladder surgery.

Okay, that makes sense. Yeah.

What did you bring me from Haiti?

I brought you nothing.

Okay, well, I'm gonna order something online,

and maybe you can reimburse me?

No. No. Tell me how much I can spend.

150? $200? No. No, no, no, no.

I'm not... I'm not gonna buy you anything, no...

Shh, shh, shh. I'm not gon... I'm not...

Can we get some jell-o in here?

You want something?

I wanna do a little exercise.

I want you to tell us

five things you find beautiful about your penis.

Hey, you guys mind if I go kill myself?

Danny, this is sex therapy.

We're supposed to talk about sex.

Or, in our case, lack thereof.

Okay, okay, we... that's private between me and you.

Danny, Danny, Danny... What?

Now, this isn't gonna work unless you're open.

For example, Christina's erotic journal

was comprehensive, suspenseful,

and, frankly, moving. Thank you.

While yours, on the other hand,

was just a rant about airport security

and a trick play for the jets.

Now, let's talk about your sperm.

Notice their behavior.

They're listless. They're unhappy.

They're apathetic.

But they are perfectly healthy.

Then why'd you say all that other stuff first?

Just the way I talk.

Now, I took the liberty

of putting my own sperm on a slide

for means of comparison.

Mm! Mm-mm!

Check 'em out.

Got attitude.

They're like kids

playing in an open fire hydrant in the '70s.

Thank you, Paul. Put it away.

So how do we get your sperm more excited?

- Eh... - Danny's not very adventurous.

He really likes to do it missionary.

Missionaries are extremely adventurous.

You know who else is adventurous?

Cowgirls. Reverse cowgirls.

Okay.

The next time either one of you

is in the mood,

I want you to pop in this cd.

I've had a lot of luck with it.

It won a grammy.

What? Stop eating cheese for a second.

You look really different. Thank you.

I'm glad somebody noticed.

Yeah, I got my teeth whitened.

I mean, it bloody hurt, actually,

but they look fantastic.

Yeah, she's not talking about your teeth, buddy.

She's talking about your fat.

I am. I am talking about that.

Since you abandoned us for Haiti,

and Danny went to Jersey, wherever that is,

I was forced to assume the role of managing partner.

Now, in times of extreme stress,

I turn to food.

When I did my "a" levels,

I was the size of a small ski chalet.

Is that unforgivable?

Why don't you leave him alone?

He's a human being with feelings.

Okay.

Want to see if his fatness can hold this pen?

Oh, wow, 'cause you're perfect!

Aren't you?

Hello?

Hello.

Hey, Tamra, where is everybody?

Did they go to that ethnic street fair?

I told them not to go.

No, they all went to visit

that Indian doctor who used to work here.

She's real sick.

What's her name again? I wanna say glob.

Mindy?

I really think it's glob.

She's back. She's sick?

I don't know.

All right, all right, what did you do?

What'd you do, get drunk and sass a voodoo princess?

Try to get your groove back with some street kid?

- What happened? - No, no, no, no, no.

She's fine.

I just had some gallstones removed.

I'm fine.

Did you run here? No, I just...

You're sweating out of your armpits so much.

I couldn't get a cab, and then I...

So how was the Caribbean?

Did you lose any wet t-shirt contests?

Okay, I would win every wet t-shirt contest I entered.

Yeah, because I have huge knockers,

and they look great damp. Okay, that's enough.

But I think you're referring to my charity trip in Haiti.

Do you wanna see pictures? Yeah.