National Lampoon's The Legend of Awesomest Maximus

The world's fate is decided by legends,

men who are larger than life,

whose tales of bravery and courage

don't just echo through their time,

but through all time.

And so it was with Awesomest Maximus.

Oops. Sorry, buddy.

Even if he was one stupid motherfucker.

Hey, Quantus, my main man.

How's all this stuff looking?

Good, General.

As you can see, the odds are heavily in our favor.

Hm. Super.

Ready to finish this, General.

Something is amiss.

Super. Thanks, Larry.

Just go ahead and top her off there.

Oo-oo, when! Okay.

To strength and honor.

Yeah, and beer and blowjobs.

Wow, meow.

Shink.

You know, why don't we just go with the archers.

The cavalry is too close, General.

The cavalry's fine. Sheesh.

- Fire. - Fire!

Probably just move the cavalry back

a little bit next time, because this...

The gods foretold that Awesomest Maximus

would one day become the greatest general who ever lived.

And when your destiny has been prophecied by the gods,

shit, you might as well go to the titty bar

and get fucked up.

General.

Hey, Quantas. What's up dude?

Check this out.

That's awesome, Awesomest.

I call it a motor boat.

- What is a motor boat? - A boat with a motor. Duh.

- And what is a motor? - Beats the shit out of me.

Shots?

King Looney would like to see you, sir.

King Looney, your father-in-law.

Your wife, the princess.

Her father, King Looney, sir?

Oh, no. She's fine with it!

You're barbarian strippers!

You blow yaks for a shiny pebble. What the--

Thanks a lot, Captain Cockblock.

What is your deal, anyway, dude?

Don't you like tits?

I like tits.

You hate tits.

- I love tits. - No you don't.

Yes, I do.

Touché.

Awesomest.

Girls, leave us.

But not for too long. These pills only last for four hours.

King Looney, ruler over all which he surveyed.

and crazier than a shit house rat

with syphilis in his brain.

It's good to be king, isn't it, Sire?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Awesomest, you're the son I never had.

What about Orlando?

Orlando's a pussy and I think he likes boys.

Good point.

So how's married life?

You know Hottessa.

Once a princess, always a princess.

Yeah, just like her mother.

I think she's worried you might name

Orlando next in line

to be king, Your Highness.

Wouldn't he technically be queen?

That's good.

Okay, let's get with it.

I want you to join Orlando in Greece.

What's he doing in Greece?

I want you to help him kiss their hairy Greek asses.

And make sure he doesn't piss them off,

so they don't send millions of guys

over here to enslave us and get weird with our women.

If I may.

I can handle this, sir.

We don't need to bother our great general.

I am a great general.

- Yes you are. - Yes I am.

- I was being sarcastic. - You were not.

The fate of Troy is in your hands, Awesomest.

Okay, Looney. I'm on it.

Forgive me, Sire, but Awesomest can barely handle himself.

Are you sure he's ready for such a mission?

I mean, he's always had the army and myself to cover his ass.

You forget. When Awesomest was born

the gods said he was destined to be a legend.

But Sire, I'm not really sure that--

We have the greatest army in the world.

How bad can he fuck things up?

Bad.

It was the first time

Awesomest had been sent on an important mission alone.

So he decided to talk it over with his gold digging,

bitch ass wife, Hottessa.

Like she knew what the fuck.

Awesomest.

Get your head out of your ass and listen to me.

This is a good thing.

Daddy has never given you this much personal responsibility.

He must finally be realizing

that Orlando is a total homo.

And Troy can't have a gay king.

You know what this means, Awesomest?

If this works out, he'll make you King of Troy.

And that means I will get to be the queen.

And we'll move into the castle

and have tons of servants,

and I get invited to all the best parties.

Don't fuck this up!

No, I won't.

Sounds great!

Ooo, maybe you and l should have a little--

celebration.

We're married, Awesomest.

You have to earn it first.

Fat ass bitch.

What was that?

N-nothing. I was talking about me.

I'm-I'm fat. I'm a fat man.

I wanna work out for you.

I wanna lose-- do yoga with you.

Hot yoga with-- I love you.

Meanwhile, the self-proclaimed Greek god

King Erotic, the most ruthless king in the land.

I mean, this guy was a real prick,

and weird in a "Don't leave him alone with kids"

kind of way, if you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, he was about to conquer the savages from Thessaly.

And after bringing Thessaly under Greek rule,

he would be the man.

It is a good day for the crows.

And I hear they love the taste of THESS-alians.

Yes.

Thes-SA-lians.

That's what I said.

No, you were accentuating the wrong syllable.

Whatever!

I'm supposed to be at an orgy in half-an-hour.

I've pushed it back four times already.

So I'm going to be a very generous god-king here, okay?

Rather than me killing all of your men

Iet's save some lives and some time and whatnot

and do it old school.

Your best fighter versus mine.

If my guy wins, you submit to my rule,

plain and simple.

And if my guy wins?

Then I'll leave.

Really?

You have my word.

Deal.

Ginormous!

Jesus.

How big was his mama's vag?

Not big enough.

Testiclees.

Testiclees?

Ginormous has this effect on many men.

Where the fuck is he? This is embarrassing.

I mean, come on!

I'm standing here calling him,

we're all here, and he's not answering me?

I'm so tired of this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know your time is important.

My time is important.

Testiclees.

He was King Erotic's greatest warrior

and immortal among men

and kind of a pussy-lipped bitch at the same time.

Me?

Carbs?

Shit.

Testiclees.

King Erotic wants to see you.

Tell your king I'm not going anywhere

until I'm finished with my man-scaping.

As legend had it, when Testiclees was born

a goddess dipped him in a magical river

that would make him indestructible.

But since she was holding him by his little baby balls,

Testiclees' testicles remained vulnerable to the sword.

Testiclees.

Your swords.

Are those stories about you true?

That I wax my ass?

No.

That I banged my mom once by accident

when we were both wasted?

What's the big deal? We were both single.