The Odd Couple II

Boo!

He's not getting down on the ball.

The Sparks appear to still struggle here in the early...

Oh, my God.

The old cockers in the stands...

are better than the young cockers on the field.

Who's the man?

Enough already! Come on!

He just missed someone in the crowd.

What crowd? We could all go home in one car.

Maybe he should lay down a bunt.

This guy couldn't lay down a carpet.

Come on! Throw that ball!

Strike!

Now he's over-swinging.

Don't complain. He's cooling off the place.

Strike! You're out of there!

Remember Clemente from the Pittsburgh Pirates?

I envied you, covering the Yankees and the Mets.

Bet you miss New York.

Well, what was I gonna do?

They sold the paper to an Australian.

Lucky for me they didn't sell it to the Japanese.

It would take me a year to read the batting averages.

- Oh, Oscar! - Hiya, Peaches.

I'm having a dinner party Friday night.

We're short one man.

How about Abe here? He's a short man.

You can run, Oscar, but you can't hide. See ya.

That's such an original expression.

I hate a woman who talks like Muhammad Ali.

Hey, Conchita!

Tough loss today, Oscar?

I'm suicidal, honey.

If I call 911 tonight, any chance of mouth-to-mouth?

¡Ay, tú eres un viejo bieu loco!

Yeah, besa loco.

Don't you look at a good ass anymore?

I can't look at pastrami. Why should I look at an ass?

You coming to the game tonight, Abe?

I'll be a little late. I have to pay my respects.

A friend in my building died.

Sorry to hear that. What did he die of?

He got hit by lightning on a golf course.

He should have been using his woods.

Find out what his rent was. I'm always looking for cheaper.

See you at the game.

Used to make that shot.

Damn it, Madison! My wife and I are fed up!

I'm filing a complaint. You gonna clean this up?

Whatever the cats don't finish, I'll clean up later.

You!

Come on, where is Oscar?

Coming! I'm in! I'm in!

Nobody bet. Hold the bets. I got a raise coming.

How we doing, girls?

Everybody's in except Esther.

Esther, you didn't make your straight?

Who knows? I can't see the numbers.

Why can't we play with those great big cards?

We tried that once.

Every time I shuffled, Abe's toupee blew off.

Not anymore.

This is the kind you can swim in.

Be careful, Abe. You swim with that rug...

and they'll think you're building a dam.

Who gets the Eggeman's lemon loaf cake...

no cholesterol, no fat, no taste?

That's mine.

One plate of chemical sponge cake for Millie.

- Thanks, darling. - You're welcome.

Wanda, you vixen.

You know how that perfume drives me crazy!

You really like it?

Yeah. Also, I see I got you beat.

He always does that to me!

Don't worry about it.

I lost so many brain cells today, I forgot what I saw.

He's just like my third husband.

He should rest in peace.

How do you know he's dead? Maybe he's just bluffing.

That's not funny.

Who gets salt-free nachos with cottage-cheese chili?

That's mine, Oscar.

One Jenny Craig Mexican-style type of casserole dinner...

for Señorita Abramowitz.

And we have a cherry soda for Abe.

What happened to Abe? Where's Abe?

Here.

Why don't you sit on a magazine? I can't see you.

This isn't cherry. It's lemon.

Now it's cherry.

Whose bet is it?

Millie raised a quarter, so it's 33 cents for you.

33 cents. You need nerves of steel for this game.

I'm in.

Did we come here to talk or to play?

Never finish a game.

All right, all right, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Whoever it is, I'll pay you on Thursday.

You sound good, Pop.

Brucie! Brucie, boychik, how are you?

What are you doin'...

Hold it down, will you, girls? It's my son from California.

California.

My sister lost three pairs of dentures in the earthquakes.

- So how does she eat? - She sends out.

You, too, Brucie. You still an actor?

I got a call from CBS. I may get a pilot this week.

Hey, that's terrific! My kid may get a pilot.

- He got his own plane? - You don't know what a pilot is?

It's a television show that doesn't get on television.

Pop, that's not why I'm calling.

I got some big news for you. I'm getting married this week.

Married?

Yay!

Why?

Because I love her. That's why.

You didn't say it was a girl. If you're happy, I'm happy.

My kid is getting married.

Mazel tov.

There goes my Rachel's last chance.

It's this Sunday afternoon. You think you can come?

Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away. Where?

It's at her mother's house in San Malina.

San Baloney? What was the name again?

San Malina. It's two hours north of L.A.

We'll send you the address.

Listen, if I'm not being too nosy, sweetheart...

who the hell are you marrying?

She's an actress, Pop. She's beautiful.

She's so talented. She's very smart.

- And she loves your son. - See what I mean?

I love her already. So who is she?

Well...

hold on to your hat, Pop.

I need a hat to hold on to to hear this?

She's not one of those 6'10" basketball players, is she?

As long as she's thin.

I can't hear ya.

She's whose daughter?

Whose?!

Oh, my God.

Snah. Snah. Snah!

Snah!

Snah!

Shah... I'm sorry.

Miss?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I wonder if I might change my seat...

into the nonsmoking section?

Well, the entire plane is nonsmoking, sir.

There's no one smoking on this aircraft.

I understand, but possibly the attendants...

who cleaned the planes at the airport were smoking.

I'm very sensitive to that.

Well, I'm sorry, sir, but the entire plane is full.

Yeah, well...

Ma'am? See, it's not just the smoke.

The woman next to me is wearing a perfume...

that I have a definite allergy to.

I've already moved you once.

That was because of hair spray.

Now, look, I know that I sound crazy...

but I just happen to be one of those hyperallergenic cases.

Can't you at least try?

You mean sniff every woman on this plane...

until you find a perfume you're not allergic to?

I didn't complain about the food, did I?

I didn't eat it, but I didn't complain about it.

You asked for the Hawaiian mahi mahi.

I told you we only serve the mahi mahi...

on the west-east flights, not the east-west flights.

I just thought there might be one piece...

of mahi mahi making the return trip. That's all.

Just forget it. I'll manage.

I have some cough lozenges if you like.

Isn't that sweet? Thank you. No.

I have an unusually small windpipe.

If it got stuck, I could be dead in two minutes.

Are you having trouble breathing?

I'm nervous because my daughter's getting married...

Sunday in California.

You know, in San...

San... I got a friend picking me up.

Oh. Nice.

Are you all right?

Your face is turning bluish.

Do you need oxygen?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

but you never know who's been using that before.

Stewardess!

Excuse me.

I see my bag.

Excuse me, please. Sir.

What happened here?

What do you call this?

This is... this is mishandling the luggage.

It's a federal misdemeanor.

Did you see this?