Kiss of Life

I'm Keith Lemon. Check out my sweet-ass titles.

If you're thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?'

it's another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.

There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.

And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.

There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.

Here we are taking a selfie. Online presence.

Phew. We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on t'telly.

It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly. Not in 3D. I fucking wish it were.

Hiya!

Hurraahh! (CHEERING)

Whoo!

Hurraahh! (CHEERING)

Hi. Welcome to Celebrity Juice.

My name is Keith Lemon. I hope you're well. You look well.

I'm well, you're well. Let's meet our team captains. First up it's Fearne Cotton!

Hello!

Hi. Fearne Cotton, who's on your team? On my left, a true musical legend.

It's Shaun Ryder!

And on my right, from Celebs Go Dating, it's Tom and Arg.

Let's meet our other team captain. Unfortunately Holly's not here

cos she was drunk laying in a bush somewhere. Oh, get... AUDIENCE: Aw!

We do have someone filling in. I've heard it's someone really big.

That's exciting. I can see there's a W on the desk.

So I'm hoping for maybe Will Smith. Winona Rider.

Oh, if she's in I'm gonna blow my beans straightaway. I love Winona.

So er, have they turned up yet?

We're gonna cut live to outside. They're just arriving in the Celebrity Juice helicopter.

There they are. Wow. # CARL ORFF: O Fortuna

We've got the Simon Cowell music and everything. (LAUGHTER)

I think it's gonna be Will Smith.

Here he comes.

Will Mellor? Aww!

Will Mellor?

Not him?

Aw!

Will Mellor dressed as Tom Cruise from Top Gun.

'Ey, bring it in, bring it in. Oh, I'm happy to see you.

I'm happy to see him.

It's Will Mellor!

Welcome. I was really chuffed when you asked me to be team captain.

You've just pissed all over my chips.

You're always lovely on here. In fact, we did a poll.

You know Paddy McGuinness is one of my best friends. Yeah.

He's always been at the top of people on Celebrity Juice. Everyone likes to see Paddy.

Until recently, your last few appearances, you are at the top.

Yes! Fuck you, Paddy.

He'll be watching.

Will, who's on your team? Tonight I'm in a Geordie sandwich

cos on my right I've got TV all-round funny man, Mr Chris Ramsey!

And...on my left...

the reigning Queen of the Jungle,

Miss Scarlett Moffatt!

One of them is posh and the other one likes the nosh - it's Tom and Arg.

Although I like a good nosh too.

Whoa!

I think that's a different kind of nosh, my dear.

Oh, I'm going puce in the face.

What? You're growing pubes on your face?

You two have just finished a series of Celebs Go Dating. Yeah.

For anyone who's not seen Celebs Go Dating, is it just like a big orgy for celebrities?

What happens? Pretty much. We've just got to go on loads of dates

and hopefully find love by the end of the series. Have you?

Nah. Oh. (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH)

Did you learn all your lines? What do you mean?

Like in TOWIE when you have to learn your lines. You don't learn lines.

It's real. I told you. Come on. It's a soap opera. It's not real.

Nah. I'm not an actor. I wish I was.

Will Mellor got offered a part in it.

He turned it down cos he couldn't do t'accent.

Can you do t'Essex accent?

Shut it, you fuckin' mug.

You know who does a great Essex accent? Tom.

One day I pressed the reception buzzer at the dating agency.

He answered it, done an accent, and I thought it was another geezer.

It says on my cards, Tom, that you do accents.

Yes. Yes, I do.

Are you doing one now? Is that your real voice?

Alas, this is the one I was born with.

Alas. There's a lass there.

Would you possibly be able to read me a bedtime story?

I would love to. That is the best voice in the whole world.

He's got a great voice. You make us feel really poor.

It's just I've always been sort of sucking on a plum.

Leave that out of the bedtime story or I might have sex dreams.

Tom, give us an Essex accent.

All right, mate? Whoa!

Are you there, blood? Are you, like, on the end of the receiver?

Sort of.

Shaun. Yes! Can you do Tom's voice?

I can't do Tom's voice, no.

I'll tell you what would be nice - to see Shaun with Tom's voice.

So if you can mouth the words, 'Hello, you're watching Celebrity Juice' to camera four.

But, Tom, you say the words. Are you ready?

Three, two, one.

Hello, you're watching Celebrity Juice.

Whoa.

Arg, you're looking good at the moment. Um...

You've lost some timber. I'm looking better than what I did a few months ago.

We've got a picture of you a few months ago.

We've got some pictures of the rest of you how you used to look.

First up it's Shaun Ryder. Oh, yeah.

Ooh. There's Shaun when his teeth were just made out of bits.

We've got Chris Ramsey

when he used to be a lesbian.

We've got a picture of Fearne a couple of years ago.

Great one.

That is a good one. We all knew it was coming but that was bang on.

Hey, it's Shaun Ryder, everyone!

Shaun. Yes. You've got two bands at the moment.

You've got Happy Mondays. Yeah. There's Shaun back in the day.

Look... Your flies are undone. ..I've got the Arg cut.

You're asleep there. I've got Arg's hairstyle.

You're asleep but Bez is fucking wide awake.

He ain't sleeping for a while.

Bez went out in 1989 and he's still not been home yet.

Not even to change.

He's still got the same gear on.

You've got a new album out. Here it is.

Black Grape. Voodoo.

Yeah. Black Grape haven't done anything for 20 years? 20 years.

20 years! Yeah. It's out now. It's new still. It's out now, yeah.

It's Voodoo. Please download the fucking thing, yeah.

Is this true? It says here that you once farted on Loose Women.

Did I?

I've only been on Loose Women once.

Eh? I've only been on Loose Women once and I didn't fart.

You did. Did I? Let's have a look.

Are you excited though, to be back on the road?

Er... (FARTING) Oh! ..well...

Apparently I did.

Let's have a look at that again.

Ssh, ssh.

Er... (FARTING) Oh! ..well...

That's flipping real.

Oh, you're twisting me melon, man.

Speaking of twisting me melon, man -

we've got two legends here. We've got Mellor man here and we've got Shaun Ryder.

And one of your famous lyrics is 'twisting my melon, man.' Ah.

So what we've done, we've turned that into a game. So let's play...

OK, as you can see we've got Will Mellor sat on the chair.

What's gonna happen is Shaun is gonna spin him round.

Well, twist him. You're gonna twist the Mellor man.

Then the Mellor man will try and take

two pints of crisps and a packet of lager.

Two pints of lager and one packet of crisps.

What show did you do? Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

Gonna try and take that to Scarlett at the end of the bar there.

You can't spill any of it. I don't like spinny things.

I'm not just saying it. I'm shite. It's not spinning, it's twisting.

All right. Are you ready?

I'm gonna hand you this.

What now? No. Oh, right.

I thought I was gonna fucking...

Shaun... Sorry. Shaun is now gonna twist the Mellor man.

# HAPPY MONDAYS: Step On

Fuckin' hell.

Fuckin' hell. No...

No, no, that's enough.

Seriously. Seriously.

There you go. There you go.

Here you go.

Oh! (LAUGHTER)

Arh!

Will, Will. Here are the crisps.

Get the crisps on there. Get the crisps on.

I'm still proper dizzy there, you know.

That's was horrible. You went too far.

Snot bubbles and everything.

I just wanna check to see if Will's spilt anything.

Let's have an action replay.

Oh!

There's a stain on my kecks.

Will,

you got the crisps to Scarlett so I'll give you half a point.

Will Mellor and Shaun Ryder, everyone. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hey, it's Scarlett Moffatt!

A lot's happened for you, hasn't it, in a small amount of time? I know.

Is it true that you and Stephen Hawking have been chatting on Tinder?

No. I wish that was true cos I love him so much.

Is it true that he emailed you? He didn't email me. He emailed Ant and Dec.

Because, basically, I've come up with this theory, right?

Do you want to hear it? Yes. Right. Sorry if I bore yous.

My theory is that pyramids are from the future. (LAUGHTER)