Reginald the Vampire

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire..."

You really like her, don't you?

Her name is Sarah.

Maybe you should do something about that.

Are you busy Friday night?

No, no, I'm not busy.

I think it would be fun if we went out.

Sure.

How have you never been on a date before?

Leave him alone!

I can fix this, Reggie.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

No, you're not dreaming.

I'm a mother------- vampire!

Being a fat vampire,

that's gonna cause some problems

within the vampire community.

I'm going to be like this forever.

Vampires can't glamour

other vampires, all right?

You need to feed, man.

But I don't want to kill anyone.

You don't have to.

We need to break up.

I reject your imaginary break up

and think that you and I need to have

an open and honest conversation

about what's going on between us.

Could I come in now please?

Okay.

Okay.

Um, the best way to have an honest conversation

is to just dive in without hesitation or fear.

Are you... all right?

Reginald?

Better now. - Good.

Because, um... - Stop right there.

Don't come any closer.

Can't break up if we were never together.

That's a fair point, semantically sound.

We're on the same wavelength here.

I feel like there's something that you're not telling me,

and Reginald, you can tell me anything.

I know how you could assume that,

but there's just some things a man can't share.

Try me.

What's the story,

morning glory?

Sarah, there is nothing I'd rather do

than be with you,

but I can't.

Because...

the timing's wrong, or the gods are against us,

or the stars are out of alignment.

Probably all of those things at the same time.

We can't be together.

No, no! Sarah, what was I thinking?

I was wrong! I don't care about the stars.

Of course we can be together. We have to be.

There's nothing in the world I want more.

However, in the interest of full disclosure,

I have to tell you something, so brace yourself

because, again, fully aware

of what a shocker this is gonna be, but...

the thing I wasn't telling you,

my big, bold, impossible secret is...

I'm a mother------- vampir--

No, no, I'm still not entirely on board

with that catchphrase.

She didn't hear a word I said?

Sorry, no.

How did you even know she was here?

The sire bond, man. It's like an alarm bell.

What you feel, I feel.

You don't wanna feel what I feel.

Understood.

You made her go.

I just put a different thought in her head.

What will she remember from tonight?

I went a little deeper than that.

What?

No first date for her to miss,

no reason for her to come here,

no conversation once she did,

and no catchphrase.

Is Sarah gonna remember that she likes me?

Well, I didn't tell her not to, man,

but it's an inexact science.

So summing up again,

body issues for an eternity,

unable to control my most basic urges,

and unfit for human interaction including, of course, romance.

Well, hey, hey, none of that is permanent

except for the body part.

Something to look forward to then.

Look, you need to feed, Reggie, okay?

Nothing changes until you get your teeth into someone.

What if I don't?

Well, it won't kill you, but some very inconvenient

shit will start to happen.

Define "inconvenient shit."

Drop your fangs, bite, and drink.

And don't forget,

make them forget after it's over.

I've never glamoured anyone before.

Well, it's a part of your nature now.

Then come with me. Show me how to feed.

I can't do that. - Why?

Sorry, tradition.

There comes a time when baby birds gotta leave the nest,

even if they need a little push.

I am not a baby bird. - No.

No, you're a mother------- vampire!

Welcome to the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

Welcome to Slushy Shack. How may I help you?

What?

Todd wanted to have a-- - Whoa.

How about a little warning next time?

Sorry. Sometimes I violate

people's personal space.

And...

Todd wanted to have a serious talk with you

about your attitude, but I convinced him

I might be more efficient at getting to the bottom

of what's bugging you. - Okay.

Fair enough.

What's up with the attitude, buddy boy?

Okay, how is this more efficient?

I employ the direct approach when necessary.

Spill the beans.

I'm worried, and I don't know what to do about it.

Go on.

There's this friend of mine.

I'm worried about her health.

She's sick? - Not exactly.

So this is not a health problem?

It's-- it's complicated.

I'm trying to figure out how to help her.

I mean, let's say that she's not entirely okay,

but has no idea she's not okay.

Like you're sick and don't know it.

Maybe waiting until things get better

is my best option, but I can't wait.

Waiting for things to get better is glass half full

foolishness that never wins the day.

Right.

Okay, well, good talk, Ashley.

I needed this. Thanks, I guess.

Okay.

One, pull yourself together when you're at the register

and never bark at a customer again.

Got it. Attitude check.

Two, you're weirdly indirect about this,

but I'm sensing genuine emotion in between the lines

when it comes to this anonymous friend of yours,

so I'm gonna say what I told you at the start.

"What's with the attitude, buddy boy?"

Employ the direct approach when necessary.

Dude, they slapped me.

Wh--

what the f--

Hi. - Hey.

Hey? - Reginald.

Sorry I'm late. It was so weird.

I forgot how to get here.

I mean, well, I didn't forget,

but, like, I did.

So what did you do last night?

Not much. Nothing.

I don't know.

I was just thinking about what we were talking about

at work yesterday.

Well, I don't really remember what we talked about.

Follow-up question.

Have you been on any dates lately?

No. I don't think so.

I mean, no, I haven't.

But, why would you ask me that?

Um, nothing, just collegial interest

in your social calendar.

What's the story,

morning glory? - Okay.

That's a Blur song, right?

What do you see when you look at me?

Are you okay?

I'm Reginald.

I'm Sarah.

Is there a reason you're acting like we never met?

Have we met?

You killed my brother.

I'm sorry. You're gonna have to be more specific.

You killed Isaac.

Again, my apologies.

The funny thing is I actually killed more than one Isaac,

so fill in the details for me.

Are we talking about Dallas Ike

or maybe the Isaac I killed in Berlin?

Come on, man. - You killed my brother.

Which we established, and-- and did I mention