How to Fake a War

Come on.

- Simon. - Hello?

Did you put the poster of Harry and the penguin in my office?

- Yeah. Shall I... - Get it out! Thank you.

That campaign was a complete disaster,

and I don't need reminding that his image needs

a complete overhaul.

Uh, okay.

And can someone please explain to Harry

if he wants to be a humanitarian,

he has to save humans, not penguins.

I'll contact...

WNN brings you this report on the orphan refugee crisis.

Live from the Ukbar-Georgia border.

We go to Mark Phillips.

Where is this world's conscience?

Matt, Kate. Kate.

Stop talking. I've... I've had an idea.

Top secret, but I've, uh, found a campaign to put Harry onto.

There's a war in, um,

Georgia and Ukbar,

wherever the hell that is, that literally no one gives a shit about.

It's got everything. Refugees, landmines, orphans, white people.

So, I wanna put on a concert.

The biggest peace concert the world has ever seen, bigger than Live 8,

and we'll have Katy Perry, Ed Sheeran,

Beyonce, and Harry topping the bill.

This is gonna take him to the next level.

What do you say?

Do you wanna join me in changing the world?

This is Matt from Dim Sum Now.

Sorry, wrong number. Yeah, um, Matt from, yeah,

can I have the pork dumplings

and, um, some spring rolls?

Thanks so much. Thank you.

Okay, what time are we now?

- Five, four, three... - Hope! Hope!

...two, one.

Cue hype woman.

Harry!

- Hope! - Harry!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some hope in your life?

That's it, volunteers.

The man, the myth, the legend,

Harry Hope!

Beautiful people of London.

In four days' time,

the world will come together

for the biggest peace gig known to mankind.

Whoo!

The power of music will stop this war.

The unifying power of music will stop this war!

Pump your fist.

I call upon the leaders...

I call upon the leaders of the world to tune in

and listen to what four billion people have to say!

Yes!

Stop the war! Stop the war!

Let the volunteers rush the stage.

No, no, no, let 'em in, let 'em in.

Come on... Let them, it's fine. Come on, let them through.

Come on, you, come, come.

- You see, guys, it's... - Okay.

It's not about me, it's...

it's about... it's about these guys.

You know, I'm...

- I'm pretty much like the, uh... - Cut the ginger.

Out my way. Okay, shh, I'm coming.

I'm... I'm just the...

You know how a duck flies and the head of it,

- it migrates? - Yeah?

- You ever played Duck Hunt before? - Yeah!

Kate, hijab hipster on your right.

Got it, got it.

I'm not the dog, I'm the duck.

He's not the dog, he's the duck!

Three, two, one, off you go.

Fuck off.

Ginger eliminated.

- Go ahead. - Okay, sing a song.

Peace...

Um... Simon, my sister has arrived from...

Throop in Dorset.

Can you keep her occupied? I don't want to see her until after the concert.

I could put her on the phones.

Peace.

No.

- Envelope stuffing? - No.

Coffee.

Cold drinks. Maybe she can hold cold drinks.

Because we want to end this war!

Harry, Harry! It's a ceasefire!

The war is over.

We now go live to Ukbar,

where the governor is making the shock announcement.

The ceasefire between our two nations

will come into effect.

Make this go away. Just... just make it go away.

Make peace go away?

Yes. You make other things go away.

Why can't you make this go away?

This isn't a story, Harry, it's, um,

two sovereign nations with armies.

This is my chance at a Nobel Peace Prize!

Both sides declared the ceasefire, Harry.

I've got Grammys, BRITs, Tonys, Oscars!

I... I wanna be a world leader!

A global humanitarian!

Mandela, Gandhi!

I can't do that without stopping a war, Kate. This is my time!

What are they talking about?

I've no idea.

Hi! I'm Peggy. I'm Kate's sister.

And her new PA.

I'm Kate's PA.

Oh.

What are you looking at?

Um, shall we get a coffee?

Yeah, let's get a coffee.

I've got four billion people waiting for peace, Kate.

Four billion people waiting for peace!

Why can't he wait until Saturday?

Damn, after Saturday he can have all the peace he wants.

That's it.

We don't need to call off the ceasefire,

we just need a few more days of skirmishes.

Just skirmishes on the border.

I'm... I'm not following.

We just need three more days of fake news coming out of Georgia,

to make it look like the war's still on.

Then you do the concert on Saturday,

then we can have peace.

- Thanks to me. - All thanks to you.

Great! Good.

You better get out there and get on it.

- Sorry? - Georgia!

I need you to go out there and start up some skirmishes,

with CNN, BBC, all the major news outlets,

whoever the hell you need to get.

You're always saying that one image can change the world.

And so...

I want those screens filled with despair.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't have hope without despair.

Mmm. I'm testing that theory right now.

Rape! Planes!

Images of death!

Dead kittens!

The puppies that can't get adopted.

Okay? Whatever the hell you need to do,

just make it happen.

Okay.

Oh, and if you don't, you're fired.

Why Japan?

'Cause they meditate with the cows.

Matt, hand all press liaison over to Marie.

Simon, hand all artist liaison over to Ravier.

Rape, planes, images of murder, all the good stuff.

For the next three days, we push the line that this war is still on.

Well, who's handling this for us?

We are.

Yeah, we run red carpets and press junkets.

What do we know about war?

Enough to fake one.

Hello.

Can I help with anything?

Can I help?

Can I help with anything?

Of course, you're her new PA.

Book us all flights. All of us to Tbilisi.

Hello?

Taxi!

Move back, move back.

Uh, it's this way. This way.

This is it, this is the gate.

Come on!

Guys, come on!

Those two, uh, him and him.

And that's yours.

This place is really big. Have a nice flight.

Thank you.

He needs to go with this line for the news at 10:00. The ceasefire is...

- Excuse me. - The ceasefire is...

Miss, excuse me.

Turn off your phone, please. Now.

I'll call you when I land.

I've never been on a plane before.

What are you doing?

Trying to make this seat go back.

What are you doing on the plane?

Simon...

Peggy's on the plane.

Free peanuts.

Why are you on the plane?

You said to book us all flights.

I said book us all flights.

You went like that. I thought I was in the circle.

Sit down. We are taking off.

No, it was a clerical error. We don't want her with us.

Sit down, please.