I Swear

Ladies and gentlemen,

I invite you to proceed to the Grand Hall.

You look fabulous. You look very handsome.

I can't do it, Dottie. Could we not pick it up another time?

-They could deliver to my house. -John, it's an MBE, not a pizza.

You're being awarded one of the highest honours

anyone can receive.

Excuse me, pal, where's the exit?

-Directly down the hall. -Right. That's me off.

-John. -I'll embarrass myself, Dottie.

I'll say something I regret.

There's nothing you can say she hasnae heard before.

She's a woman of the world. She's a mum. She's a granny.

She's the queen of the United Kingdom.

Davidson, you stop this right now and listen to me, right?

You're here today because you deserve to be.

You've earned this title

as much as anyone else in this fancy palace.

It's starting.

Right, well, go save our seats.

-No. I can't do it, that's it. -Davidson!

- My lords, ladies... -You get your arse in there now,

and you make us proud.

- -Go on.

If I say something, it's your fault.

All right, it's always my fault.

-Fuck the Queen! -

-You're all right. -Sorry, everyone. Sorry, ma'am.

-Hi, Kenny. -Morning, John. Late again.

Traffic, you know.

Traffic was terrible. Opal Fruits, one packet.

Opal Fruits, one packet, duly noted.

Morning!

How you doing?

-Hiya, John. -Hiya.

You'll do your back in, you know.

You polish your boots for the big game, John?

Aye. Put dubbin on 'em and everything.

John, I need to take you shopping after football.

I'm on a short shift.

I can meet you at the bus stop when the game's finished.

-Have I got to? -Yes, you've got to.

You're starting big school in two weeks.

I'm working at a house near the park this morning.

-I might watch you play later. -Oh, brilliant.

Come on, come on! Aye, go at 'em! Come on, move.

Put a shift in. That's it.

-Jesus Christ! -Ref! Ref!

- -Don't tackle him in the box!

Outside the box! What are you doing?

-Oh! Absolute clown. -All right, Billie?

Napier's gave away another penalty.

It's all right, John'll save it.

Murder.

Come on, John!

- Come on, Johnny. - Come on, Johnny.

- -Yes! Yes, John!

Brilliant save, son, brilliant!

Good, good. Yes. That's it. Pull it together, lads.

We've still got time.

Come on.

Billie said it was

the best penalty save he'd ever seen.

Said he's got a pal at Berwick Rangers.

Tuck your shirt in, John.

I might even be able to get a professional goalkeeping trial.

Fix your tie, John.

Dad saw it. He went loopy.

He started punching the air and everything.

Hurry up.

How does it feel?

A bit weird. A bit...

-big, you know? -You need room to grow.

Keep still a minute.

That'll do.

-Can I get changed? -Yep.

Just need to find you some shoes now, John.

-I might go fishing later. -That's a nice thing to do.

Relax you a little.

How you feeling about starting big school, John?

-Bit nervous. -You'll be fine.

Just keep your head down, stay out of trouble.

Work hard, John.

Course I will. I always do.

Welcome to your first day at Galashiels Secondary School.

Today marks an anniversary.

The start of a journey that will define who you are.

It will determine what you achieve

for the rest of your life.

And it's my responsibility to make sure you leave here

having fully developed your potential.

With regard to your manners and your personal conduct,

I demand nothing but the highest standards.

-Do you understand? -Yes, sir.

-All right, Murray? -All right, John?

-How you doing? -Aye, good.

-I got extra chips. -You jammy git.

Ladies.

How's your first day at school, then?

All right.

-What's your name? -Why would I tell you?

Why would you tell me? Well...

Cos you might want to come to the pictures with me.

And how are you gonna pay for that, then?

I've got a paper round. I'm loaded.

Get lost.

He is. He's loaded.

Come on now, William. Make an effort.

What did you have for lunch, John?

Um... chips.

Just chips?

-Aye. -That's chips twice in one day?

Chips twice in one day?

We need to keep an eye on that. Don't want you getting spots.

-John. Sauce. -Hmm. Sorry, Mum.

So, uh, I spoke to Billie today.

His pal from Berwick Rangers, you know, the scout,

he's coming over to watch you play in goal.

-Serious? -Hm-hmm.

That penalty save must've done the trick.

Magic.

I dream of a Ledaean body

bent above a sinking fire, a...

a tale that she... told of a harsh reproof

or trivial event...

that changed some childish day to tragedy.

Uh, told, and it seemed...

-Told, and it seemed that... -John, you all right?

It seemed that our two natures blent into a...

In... into a...

-Into a... -John, what's going on?

-Someone electrified his chair. -Shh! John.

Permission to go to the toilet, please, miss.

Aye. Away you go and sort yourself out.

Come on!

- Leave me alone. - Do it. Do it.

-Piss off! -Do the tic thing one time.

-Come on. Stop it, man. - No, no, I've got it.

- - I've got it as well.

-Look at John. -

Piss off.

-No. -Just get lost.

Look at him.

-How's school, Sharon? -It's good, yeah.

Still got the same friends and that in your class, or...?

I mean, it's a wee bit different.

PE has changed the most. But I've still got...

John.

-What are you doing? -Um...

It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

What's all this nonsense?

I don't know.

-Don't play the fool. -I don't want to talk about it.

-John. -I...

-John, where are you going? -John.

-Don't let your dinner get cold. -

Right, everyone, come on. Keep eating.

What's he playing at?

John, what's the matter with you?

-Nothing. -There's obviously something.

Acting the fool at the table.

Well...

I've started doing this thing with my neck and my eyes.

Jumping. Twitching.

Well, you're not doing it now.

You're just imagining it, John.

Have a hot bath and an early night.

You'll be fine in the morning.

-All right, Kerry? -All right, John?

-This is my mum. -You're keen aren't you, hmm?

Asking my daughter on a date the first day of a new school.

-We're just watching a film. -Hmm. Is it suitable?

-Is it suitable for your age? -Aye, I think so.

Is there any swearing?

-Um... I don't think so. -You don't think so?

So what's it about then, this film?

It's about a man who dresses as a woman.

Well, that's not a good start, is it?

-You won't be watching that. -Mum. Jesus!

-Language, Kerry. -

Hey. I don't want any funny business, OK?

Ladies and gentlemen,

your projectionist tonight is Eric,

who has a hot, thirsty job which he does very well,

and, unlike you, hasn't time to get himself

a refreshing drink of Kia Ora. Thank you.

Suck my dick!

- -I'm sorry. Kerry.

I'm sorry, Kerry. I didn't realise what I did.

Get off me! Let go, you pervert!

-Sorry. -I told you no funny business!