The Gay Divorcee

Oh, it's no use Guy, mine has housemaid's knee.

Don't be discouraged Egbert.

I think you show distinct tendencies towards terpsichorean excellence.

You think so really?

Well, you know, as a matter of fact my inner soul is always...

yearned to express itself in the dance.

- If you were I, what would you do? - Stick to law.

Spoken like a real native, you recognize it?

No.

- Well monsieur. - Oh, yes.

Oh my, Guy this is an expensive place here.

Guy, in the excitement of changing my clothes on that...

train I must've left my wallet in that other suit.

Egbert, what would you do without me?

I mean to say...

I've been in America for the past several months with my friend here.

Just passing through Paris on our way to London, we're taking the boat tomorrow.

I am the proprietor, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm afraid we'll have to mail you the amount of the check.

Well monsieur, I do not know you.

This gentleman's father is Sir Frederick Fitzgerald, the distinguished London attorney.

- Yes, and I'm a lawyer too. - You monsieur?

My friend here is Guy Holden, the American dancer. Musical...

comedy and whatnot, certainly you heard of Holden.

Oh yes, I've heard of Guy Holden.

Bu, monsieur, have you any means of identification?

Well, you see, we...

Left them in the other suit. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, I...

I have it, I have it.

Look here old chap...

if my friend dances like Guy Holden that proves he is Guy Holden, doesn't it?

Go ahead Guy, dash them off a bit of a minuet or a polka or a schottische or something.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm on my vacation, I'm not going to do any dancing.

I heard they make you wash dishes in Paris.

There you are.

- That means nothing. - Then you try it.

Suppose you do over there.

With all these people around?

Well, if you are Guy Holden people should not disturb you.

No.

French cooking must make the dishes very difficult to wash.

Guy, never mind.

Mr. Fitzgerald. Mr. Fitzgerald.

Mr. Fitzgerald.

Mr. Fitzgerald.

Who is it? What's the matter? What do you want?

- Mr. Fitzgerald? - Yes.

- Mr. Pinky Fitzgerald? - Yes.

Pinky? Oh, that's the first time I heard that one.

It must be from Father, he's always called me Pinky.

Ever since I was a golden haired little tot paddling about...

the ancestor's home in pale-pink pajamas.

What do you want? Oh, yeah, tip that boy, will you?

Read that for me, I'm all involved here Guy, please.

- Thank you guvnor. - Right you are.

Yes, it's from your father, he says...

Leaving for Scotland, stop. Take charge of office in my absence, stop.

Good, father is placing everything in my hands.

But I haven't finished yet, he also says...

But don't do anything, just sit.

Let me see that.

Why Pinky, evidently you've been in charge of the office before.

Excuse me sir, can you help me in section D sir?

- What is it? - I can't do a thing with her sir.

- Who? - The lady in section D sir.

She's an American and you know how these Americans are sir.

- When you finish, look after that gentleman. - Yes sir.

Will you gentlemen come with me please?

Excuse me madam, I'm the chief inspector, anything I can do for you?

You most certainly can.

This man wants to mess up my trunks...

after I carefully packed all the lovely things I bought in Paris.

I'm very sorry madam, but we have to inspect all luggage for dutiable merchandise.

And now madam, how much did you pay for this?

That? Oh no, how much did I pay for that?

I know I paid an awful lot. Oh, but I shouldn't be telling you that, should I?

- Where did you buy it? - Where did I buy it? Now, let me see.

What was the name of that town?

- Paris? - Paris? No, no, it wasn't Paris.

Lyons?

No, no, it wasn't Lyons but you're getting warmer.

- Nice? - Niece, yes, that's who I'm waiting for.

- What? - Yes, my niece Mimi.

I sent her a cable to London and told her to meet me here.

- Where is she? - I'm sure I don't know madam.

This is the only other place she might be Miss.

Oh, there she is. Thank you very much.

- Hortense. - Mimi, dear.

How are you? Oh, you look perfectly marvelous.

Yes, don't I?

Oh, this is my niece Mimi. You know, I told you about her.

The poor thing has had her life all mixed up...

but I come over expressly to straighten it all out for her.

Madam, we would appreciate it if you straighten this matter out first.

Oh, what is it you want me to do?

You come with me and we'll make a declaration of all your purchases.

Everything is so Topsy-turvy.

Mimi dear, will you put those things in while I lock this trunk?

- These? - Yes please.

And would you be good enough to hold this for me? Thank you.

- You have a nice trip? - Oh, had marvelous kid, I do adore Paris.

It's so much like Chicago that I enjoyed every minute of it.

It's such a relief when you're traveling to feel that you never really left home at all.

I shouldn't be long dear, come along men.

Porter. Porter.

- Oh porter. - Sorry, I'm busy ma'am.

Porter.

Oh porter, porter.

Porter.

Porter, porter.

Porter.

I beg your pardon, can I be of any assistance?

Why...

Oh yes, my, my aunt is in the inspector's office, would you call her for me?

Oh yes, indeed.

- Thank you. - With pleasure.

- You're an American, aren't you? - Yes.

- So am I. - So is my aunt.

You know, the one you were going to call for me.

Oh yes.

Is there anything special you want me to tell her?

Well, you might tell her that my dress is caught.

Oh, your dress is caught.

My, my.

- Locked. - Yes.

- And you want me to call your aunt? - Yes.

You know, a third party might spoil this.

- Porter. Oh, porter. - Porter, porter.

There's no reason why I can't handle this myself.

You know, I pulled a cat out of a well once when I was a boy.

Let me see...

- Maybe I should've called your aunt. - Well...

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, please take this.

Oh, please forgive me.

I'm living in London, where can I return this to you?

Oh, I'm stopping in London too. May I save you the trouble and call for it?

I rather you wouldn't.

Well, here's my address.

I'll be waiting to hear from you.

- You didn't say goodbye. - No, I didn't.

Well, that's wonderful, that means I'll see you again.

Alright, I'll pay it, but I want to know how every cent is spent.

Oh, here you are Hortense, I just had the most embarrassing experience.

- A man tore my dress off. - My goodness, anyone we know?

- Hortense? - Here you are madam.

Oh, for me? And I do adore fruit baskets.

Oh, isn't he generous, but you've shouldn't been so extravagant.

After all, we just met, you know.

Not bad, not bad at all. Have you time for an encore?

- Sorry guvnor, my time is too valuable. - Oh, so sorry.

Don't you want ask me who sent that sir?

Oh I see, the play spirit. All right, tell me, who sent it?

The young lady gave me 3 shillings sir and asked me not to tell.

Oh yes, I see. And asked me not to tell.

- Guy. - Yeah?

- Package for you. - Package?

- Yeah. - Oh, that's my raincoat.

- That must be her handwriting. - Oh let me see, I used to study handwriting.

- Yeah. - Oh, it's very neat.

Yes, the Os and the As are open, that means extravagance.

Oh, look at the way she crosses her Ts, that denotes temper.

And she makes little circles instead of dots.

Oh that's dreadful, it's an unfailing sign of vanity, yes.

Of course, don't let me discourage you. I...

Guy, what is the matter with you? You seem to be under some sort of a spell or something.

- I am, for the first time in my life. - Oh?

What you looking for?

- Where's the note? - Oh, no note.

- No note? - No note.

- Well, did you talk to the messenger? - I certainly did.

And he said that she asked him not to tell where it came from.

I wonder if she resented my tearing her skirt.

Well, I wouldn't be at all surprised, that's the usual reaction.

- What you do that for? - She couldn't move.

Sounds very unsporting of you Guy, really.

Well, you don't understand. You see, she, it's an accident.

- It usually is, what's her name? - I don't know.

- Where she lives? - I don't know.

My, what an interesting romance.

I was in hopes that she send some note of...

thanks with this raincoat along with her address.

Well, without having the prophetic powers of a seventh son...

I would hazard that she doesn't want to see you anymore.

Well...

I'm going to rush off to the office.

What you going to do Guy?

Going to start looking for her, I'll find that girl Egbert, if it takes me from now on.

Well, it shouldn't be difficult. After all, there are only 3 million women in London.