Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready

Here's the thing about Tracey Ashley.

She's the only female comic that's black that I know

that has done cruise ships, colleges,

executive parties,

Bar Mitz... well, she ain't did no Bar Mitzvahs.

I do the Bar Mitzvahs, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did a Mitzvah.

She has done it all.

If you didn't know Tracey Ashley before, oh, you gonna know her now.

- Hey! - Hey, Tiffany!

- It is so good to see you! - Girl, so good!

My name's Tracey Ashley

and I've been doing stand-up comedy for 20 years.

When I would do the clubs and I would look at the roster of who they had coming,

there was maybe one female comedian I would see for the entire year,

and definitely not an African-American.

- I wanted to make sure you got ready. - Cool.

- Today we havin' our spa day. - Yes.

I used to just put that prayer out.

"God, I need somebody who can say,

'Give her an opportunity.'"

- I was like, "She is hi-larious!" - Aww!

- That means a lot. Wow. - Why don't I know her personally?

Well, I told you, I sent you a friend request.

- Yeah, well, you know what? - What?

I did colleges, I did clubs, I did corporates.

I even did weddings.

I've been on college campuses where a bear

walked on the campus and I'm like,

"There's a bear, y'all. Y'all realize there's a bear on campus."

And the students were like, "Yeah, it happens."

I can't thank you enough. Really.

- You don't gotta thank me. - I gotta kill it.

- That'd be my thank you. - Okay.

- Destroy the stage. - All right, cool.

Just drop it, and your nails are looking nice.

Thank you. Will you accept my friend request?

- Okay, I will. - Okay, thank you.

You keep talking about it. Okay.

I'm embarrassed, I tell people we tight.

I'm super tight with my granny. She ain't on my Facebook page.

She has a Facebook page?

- No, she don't, but I'm just saying. - See? See?

- I'm just saying, but we tight. - Exactly. I see. Mm-hm.

And now, comin' to the stage,

the one and only last black unicorn,

Tiffany Haddish!

Hello, hello, and welcome to They Ready!

They Ready is a divine, diverse and damn funny

series of stand-up comedian specials.

Oh, yeah!

And I picked them out myself. I handpicked...

I handpicked some killer comedians. They gonna kill this stage,

you gonna laugh so hard, you gonna pee just a little bit.

Are we ready?

Because they ready!

This comedian I'm bringing to the stage,

now, I have been following her career for a long time.

She is one of my personal favorites.

I'm a... I'm a fan that just watches from afar.

Please make a whole lot of noise for Tracey Ashley!

Wow! I love it!

Whoo!

Well, y'all...

I'm just going to get it off my chest right now, all right?

I've been strugglin'.

I went walkin' the other day. I was enjoyin' my walk,

and then I caught my shadow on the side of a building.

And I got a fat-ass shadow.

It will ruin your day when you feelin' good,

and you catch your shadow and you notice

there is more to you than you thought.

I kept rubbin' myself. "Is that all me?"

"Oh, damn, that is all me right there."

I hate it, but I've dealt with my weight

and my body image my entire adult life.

I've tried everything,

always workin' on me.

I took a spin class. That was a big mistake.

Went to the spin class, I'm on that stationary bike, y'all.

I'm just goin', I'm hangin' with the class.

All of a sudden, the instructor, she stands up and she keeps pedaling.

Everybody else stands up. They keep pedaling.

I gotta hang in. I stand up, I keep pedaling.

But then, all of a sudden, I start seein' spots.

I said, "I'm seein' spots."

She said, "Tracey, cycle through the spots.

They'll go away."

"Keep cycling, I promise the spots will go away."

I said, "Yeah, you right, 'cause now I'm seein' dead relatives."

My grandma over there, goin', "What the hell you doin' on that bike?"

I joined Weight Watchers.

I did it 'cause Oprah told me to.

I know y'all saw the same commercial I saw.

I woke up one mornin', Oprah Winfrey was on my screen

and she said... "I love bread."

"I love bread!"

I shot out of my bed,

I said, "I love bread too, Oprah."

"That's why I got a fat-ass shadow."

My girlfriend told me,

she said, "Girl, you need to go to a food addicts' meeting."

I said, "What?" She said, "You're an emotional eater."

"You eat when you're happy, you eat when you're sad,

you eat when you get good news, you eat when you get bad news."

I said, "Isn't that what everybody else does?"

So I went to this food addicts' meeting,

and the nutritionist, she was askin' everybody about their food weaknesses.

And she gets to me. "Tracey, what's your food weakness?"

I said, "Well, I can eat a pint of ice cream like that."

She grabbed her chest in shock.

"You can eat a whole pint?"

And I'm sittin' there thinkin' to myself,

"We are at a food addicts' meeting."

"I am not a pioneer of this shit."

I mean, she was so shocked, I told her, I said,

"Look, if you think rock bottom is eating a pint of ice cream,

then y'all are not food addicts."

"Y'all are just recreational users."

And she went on to explain, she said, "No, Tracey, on this program,

you can eat a half a cup of ice cream.

That's a serving, that's good."

So I thought that was reasonable

to what my brain thinks a half cup of ice cream is.

Then I measured out a half cup of ice cream.

You people ever measured out a half a cup of ice cream?

if you wanna get pissed off, go measure out a half a cup of ice cream.

I went back to that meeting, I told that lady,

"You can kiss half my ass."

I ordered a sheet cake once.

It wasn't even my birthday.

I just wanted a whole cake.

I went to go pick the cake up, y'all, and the cake was blank.

I got paranoid. I was thinkin' "That looks suspicious."

So I told the baker, "Put 'Happy Birthday' on that cake."

She was all happy. "Who should I put 'Happy Birthday' to?"

I said, "To Tracey."

And she kept askin' questions. "Who's Tracey?"

I said, "Me, bitch. Will you ring up my sheet cake?"

What's with all these questions?"

Look, I wasn't gonna eat it all in one sitting.

My fantasy was to eat the cake with my hand.

I mean, we've all been to a party,

and you see a cake on the table,

there is an impulse in your brain that says,

"Put your hand in that cake."

My husband tells me, he goes, 'Baby, you're beautiful."

I go, "Really? I'm beautiful? So, if I get bigger,

if I get rounder...

If I get weebly-wobbly...

roly-poly...

you still gonna love me?"

He said, "Baby, of course I will still love you,

but sometimes...

I will cry."

He said, "Baby, we're a team. If you get fat, I'mma get fat."

See, that's my problem right there.

I married somebody just as lazy as my ass.

We lie around the house like a couple of pandas,

just rubbin' our bellies all day.

But I do have a good guy. My husband is fantastic, y'all.

We are gonna be celebrating ten years of marriage this year.

Thank you.

I'm in what people call an interracial marriage.

And I say "What people call"

'cause people have to tell us, like we don't know.

My husband is white, and I have to tell you,

everywhere we go, people stare at us.

They stare at us real hard.

Not when we come here, though.

We flew to, uh... into LAX.

Walkin' around LA and my husband goes, "Babe, did you notice somethin'?"

I said, "What?" He said, "No one is staring at us here."

I said, "Baby, we're in Hollywood.

Nobody gives a shit about us here."

I said, "You see that girl over there?"

He said, "Yeah." I said, "That's a guy."

Nobody cares about an interracial couple here,

but we live back in the Midwest, in Indiana...

And people stare so hard at us.

I used to think they were staring because of the race thing.

But then it hit me. "Maybe they're staring, Tracey,

also because of how different you two look together."

You know, we'll be walkin' around, I'll have braids in my hair,

you know, 'cause I'm a sister's sister, right, you know?

And my husband, he's... white.

He's socks-and-sandals white.

Whoa!

So we'll be walkin' around Gary, Indiana, holdin' hands.

Predominantly black city, everybody just double-takin', pointin' at us.

I asked him, "Baby, what do you think these people are thinkin'

when they stare at us so hard?"

My husband is so funny. He says, "I don't care what they're thinkin',

as long as they're thinkin', "He must have a big dick.'"

He said, "That's all that matters."

But whenever we walk out that door,

we always have to put on that emotional armor,

just to be prepared for what may come our way.

Usually, it's funny, though.

I'll never forget my husband. I was at his football game.

He's a high school history teacher. He also coaches football.