Magical Girl Friendship Squad

Cassandra... when your mother calls you a dumb slut,

she is reclaiming the term, okay?

Alex! Your interview is in one hour.

- Why are you not prepared? - I'm going, I'm going.

It was the reunion finale.

Planting you at Aggregon as a mole

is our best chance to stop their plot

to destroy the universe.

My only plot for destroying the universe

is this ass.

What could have distracted you from such an important mission?

- Reality television? - Hell yes.

Other people being messy disasters

makes me feel okay that this is the only blazer I own.

Give me that, give me all of this.

It all has to be gone before my parents come

for the Agony Solstice.

What is the Agony Solstice?

Only the biggest holiday in their cult, or...

highly specific religion:

The Church of the Savior's Unthinkable Torment.

It is a shame that you are a grown woman

who has to hide who she is.

Oh, so you're really a talking red panda...

...not a god who needs the help of two idiots

- ...to keep your own universe from being destroyed? - Touché.

I'm out of here, too.

Hey, feel free to keep watching. You might dig it.

Thank you, but I doubt that.

They're housewives, but they're real?

You're saying th-that I have a drinking problem?

Oh, this is horrible!

Little help.

I love it.

And our latest experiment down on floor -44

is going perfectly.

Please do let me know when you've decided to finish

wasting my time.

Hear you loud and clear. Status report complete.

So, do you have any feedback, or should we be bad

and go out for martinis?

Get out.

Uh-uh, absolutely. Of course.

Hmm, you're here for the job interview.

Well, it's an entry-level content creator position.

Do you have any experience creating content?

I have a Twitter, and on good days

I get maybe 12 to 17 likes.

Hmm. You're hired.

- That's it? - There's openings in the department,

thanks to an exciting new initiative of mine.

- Now sign this. - Oh, my God. Awesome.

Oh, shoot, I forgot.

There's room for salary negotiations, right?

Oh, too late. You already signed.

But let's circle back in a year. Okay?

This is the Data Mining department.

There's the Sweatshop Liaison office.

And that's the Panic/Breast Feeding room.

Oh, um, hey, what does this company do, exactly?

A little bit of streaming, a little bit of shipping,

a little bit of resource exploitation; the usual.

Right now, though, we're really focused

on "alternative energy sources."

Like light bulbs?

Like humans.

Yeah.

Welcome to Outrage.

You'll start by brainstorming chum.

You know, the nonsense links at the bottom of our websites

that lead to our other, shittier websites.

Like realcontent.crap?

It's fun to see what Patrick Swayze's son

- looks like now. - Right.

But these days we lead solely with outrage.

More rage, more clicks.

Have you ever written outrage content before?

No, but I'm a black millennial woman

with 85K in student loan debt,

- so I'm sure I can figure it out. - Inspiring.

I'm late for a fish egg facial,

so watch and learn to start.

Ronald Reagan said what?

I'll say it. Mitch McConnell turns me on.

Oh, that's good. What else you got?

Climate change isn't real,

but it does cause autism.

- Wow. - Genius. - Really good.

How are you so good at this?

Aah!

Ah, a miserable Agony Solstice to you.

Yes, yes, and a, uh...

a miserable Agony Solstice to you, too.

I expect you've been complying with the traditional

three days of sleep deprivation, lack of water

and wearing shoes two sizes too small.

Oh, yeah. My feet are throbbing.

It is very festive.

You look well, daughter.

- Not nearly dehydrated enough. - Oh, parent,

stop worrying about me.

We just want you to be unhappy. Now, let's have

a quick meal of salty foods before heading out

for recruitment, shriek caroling,

- and your favorite, shame circles. - I'll find something.

You sit on your discomfort pillows,

and tell me again what the sacred scrolls say

about the Rapture.

The Lord of Unspeakable Torment will reward

the most faithfully miserable

by bringing us to a dark place.

A pleasant feeling of meaninglessness will follow,

then the bugs.

I found a granola bar we can all split.

Dad? Uh, uh, parent?

Daisy, did you know 90-Day Fiancée

has six spinoffs?

Who was that?!

That was my human roommate.

Very sinful, but for sure human,

and not at all magical.

Excuse me.

Nut, what are you doing?

Watching trash TV. I understand now.

It makes me feel bad about humanity,

which makes me feel... good.

Oh, my God, it is incredible. Are you on season two

of Vanderpump Rules yet? Wait. No.

I don't have time for this. Just keep it down, please.

What is this cold rectangle?

The McConnell article is getting massive engagement,

but we need more outrage.

Tammy, give me an article on how reverse racism

is the real racism.

Brad, make a list of actors

who've publicly supported Woody Allen,

and fantasy-cast them in a Harry Potter reboot.

And, Patty, what can we blame millennials for killing?

- Uh, Pier 1 Imports? - Perfect.

We'll never own homes to furnish.

After R.I.Pier 1,

take this data on people's porn habits,

and let's see if we can match it

to what topics will make them angriest.

Go team!

Drinks later, Alex?

Uh, you know it.

Do you guys ever feel bad about devoting your life

to making people angry?