Nine Perfect Strangers

So, I ask you again. Are you drugging us?

It's called microdosing and it's perfectly safe.

You could go to jail for this.

You know, some drugs, they can really help...

Help people.

- They're watching us. - And the threats.

They wouldn't be coming from you, would they?

Why would I want to threaten Masha?

- She's the fucking greatest. - You get violent.

Yeah. You know.

Tomorrow's your 21st birthday.

It's his 21st birthday.

- We weren't close. - Oh, I don't believe that.

Many of us have actually been damaged by other people.

I'm a drug addict.

I got two kids that don't talk to me.

I got a career that ended in a blink. Why am I here?

No, no, no! No! No!

Just two comments, one question.

First, happy birthday.

Second, not your fault.

Okay, now for my question.

Why do you keep telling people we weren't close?

You're not real. You're not real. You're not real. You're not real.

Uh... I'm standing right here, Zoe.

See? You couldn't do that with a ghost.

Hey. You can hug me now.

- This is so fucked. - Well, yeah,

it could be so fucked.

It could be a dream, it could definitely be the...

I don't know, smoothie you had at dinner.

The point is I'm here. Okay? What did Dad always say?

"Celebrate every moment, big or small,

'cause the moment may not last."

Now I do need you to listen to me very, very closely,

- okay? - Okay.

What? What? What?

Don't tell people we weren't close. Okay?

You're my only legacy other than... you know.

I miss you every single day.

- Every single day. - I know.

I'm so lonely.

I didn't know what it felt like to be lonely

because I always had you.

I know.

- Zach? - Zoe?

Oh, hey. Listen, I-I heard a noise.

And I heard you talking.

Yeah, I guess I was just talking to myself.

What about?

I miss him.

Happy Birthday.

This is gonna be rough.

You think?

We can do this.

The trauma that you've witnessed...

I should have been more attentive to you.

But you're so strong, I forget.

I'm still a work in progress, you know.

Forgive me, my loves.

Happy birthday.

- Happy Birthday. - Thank you.

Okay. Was it just me or did anybody else dream

a tad more vividly last night?

- Oh yeah! - Because mine were, uh...

No, I had... I had... I had an amazing dream.

- Yeah? - I was a Beatle.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

I kid you not, one of the Fab Four.

I was playing at Shea Stadium in front of the sold-out 50,000 people.

Hold on, you were a Beatle?

What? Yeah, I was. I could feel what it was like

to actually be a Beatle.

Whatever's in these, Dee, keep them coming, all right?

Okay.

- Which Beatle? - Thank you.

I think I was John. I mean, I never saw myself,

but John wasn't there and I was singing a ballad with Paul.

- Shall I sing a verse for you now? - No!

- Hell no. - Please, yes!

No, it was beautiful,

I tell you. You know what we were singing?

We were singing Something, which is, uh...

That's a George song, technically.

I had dream logic, I suppose.

But we... we found these wonderful harmonies.

That was my wedding song.

I guess that triggered me.

I don't know why. It was a beautiful wedding,

and it's... ...it's a lovely song.

Forks don't lie.

Okay, let's get this out for you.

And, uh... nope. Nope.

Here we you go. That's all you need. Okay.

Spoon. For... cereal.

- Morning. - Hey.

Sorry I'm late, if I am late.

You know, I still have a bit of a morning head.

Maybe... maybe I'm too well-rested.

Is this just, um... straight up or is it laced with something?

- It's just oatmeal. - Just oatmeal.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, team, listen up!

Let's quickly go over today's schedule.

Wait, wait, I want to hear Lars's dream

- 'cause it sounded good. - Oh no.

Come on, you can't just waltz in here

- talking about your dream and... - Come on.

- Say your dream! - Say your dream!

- Say your dream! - Say your dream!

Okay, fine. Fine, Fine, fine, fine.

- If you must know... - That was easy.

- I gave birth. - Ah!

What do you mean, you gave birth?

Just as I said.

And you were all there.

It was quite insane but, hmm, it was kind of beautiful.

Push! Push!

You gave birth. Baby birth.

No epidural. I'm tougher than I look.

- And we were all there? - You especially, Tony.

Seems that you were the father.

- Aww! - All right.

I can still see it, like vividly.

Beautiful baby boy.

And, um... you know what, Tony? You cried like a baby yourself.

You had a son. You kept saying you never thought

you'd see the day, and...

you began to weep.

You're a fucking lunatic, you know that, Lars?

Yeah, I know. It's always good to get a second opinion though. I think.

- Hey, Frances. - Hi, Yao!

Hi, hi. Um... You have a visitor.

- I do? - And they've...

come all the way from Canada.

Did you say Canada?

Yes. Yeah. Um...

Yeah.

- Should I take you to him? - Yeah. Yeah.

How do I even begin to say I'm sorry?

You don't, Paul.

Frances.

Oh, Jesus. You said you were 6'1.

You just started lying right out of the gate.

Well, I didn't lie about my loving you.

What about Ari? Did he really need surgery?

Do you even have a son?

Or is that just part of the scam to get my money?

I thought you might say that, so I brought a check here.

Payment in full, plus interest.

I've been trying to reach you for days.

And when you wouldn't respond, I hopped on a plane.

Your agent said I could find you here.

Well, they confiscate our phones here,

so I have no way of knowing if you actually were trying

to contact me.

I don't understand why you just went silent.

I sent you the money, and then it's just like...

you just fell off the face of the Earth,

which is why I assumed you were...

were scamming me and were a fake.

Ironic.

I became convinced that you were the fake.

Me, why?

Well, how do I say this? Um...

I read your books. All of them.

There's not a hint of truth to be found in any of them.

They're so gimmicky.

- What? - Yeah, I mean, you don't dig in.

You just take a little bit of romance

and a topical cocktail of your choice,

sexism, ageism, racism, ableism.

There's no story at all. There's just "isms."

That's not what I do! That's not...

That's not what you do when you write a whole st...

I don't have to explain this to you, but it's not what I do.

Are you saying that you ghosted me

because you didn't like my books?

I couldn't stand your books. I don't know how anyone

could possibly stand your books. And I panicked.

I thought, "Oh my God, I've fallen in love

with a total and utter hack."

I came all the way here,

at considerable expense to myself, to prove otherwise,

that you're worthy of my love.

That you're a significant, dimensional being,

albeit someone who literally just cannot write a lick.

Frances, things could have been so good between us.

If only I hadn't have read your...

- Kill him. - ...dreadful books.