Tank Girl

Listen up, 'cause I'm only tellin' you this once.

I'm not a bedtime story lady, so pay attention.

It's 2033.

The world is screwed now.

You see, a while ago, this humongous comet came crashing into the Earth.

Bam! Total devastation.

End of the world as we know it.

No celebrities, no cable TV, no water.

It hasn't rained in 11 years.

Now, 20 people gotta squeeze inside the same bathtub.

So, it ain't all bad.

That's me... the one in the mask.

No, the other one in the mask.

Today's my boyfriend's birthday.

So, I'm out shopping for that perfect gift...

whatever I can scrounge up.

Uh-oh, Ripper leftovers.

The Rippers are a demonic army of bloodthirsty, human eating,

purse snatching, mutant creatures.

Witness exhibit A.

Uchh!, you are so dead.

They're led by the infamous Johnny Prophet.

They spend most of their time raidin' the WP.

That's short for Water and Power.

They control most of the water

and got all the power.

Oh, wait, one last thing.

My friends and me, we do not suck up to Water and Power.

Yeah, we steal water, but as long as they don't find out,

who gives a shit?

Ah, there it is... home sweet home.

A thing of beauty.

I'm gonna go water the vegetables.

Hey, Town, you fixed the pump, right? I'm going down.

Yeah, go for it.

Shit.

You've been stealing water.

What gave you that idea?

Take off your clothes.

Ohh, agh!

- Now! - Shit.

Right, right, right, right...

There.

Did I tell you to stop?

Ohh.

Now...

Salute me.

I'm not too good under pressure.

Well, you'll learn then, won't you?

Gross out.

Come on, they're being weird again.

Let's get outta here.

Let go.

Damn!

Hah, I was just gettin' into that one.

Give me that.

Hey, Sam.

I thought you was working on my Doris Day bust.

I didn't trade you my specially autographed Doris picture

just for whatever this is.

I know, but the wood talks to me.

It said, "Ripper. "

How would you know what one looks like?

No one's ever seen a Ripper.

No one's ever seen your peanut dick either.

- I'm tellin'. - Go ahead.

Rebecca, don't forget guard duty.

Ah.

Adam was dust until God injected him with life.

And do you know what was in that injection?

Water.

Water is life.

Water is power.

Well done.

You've all done a masterful job.

Ninety-five percent of the desert and all the water it contains

now belongs to Water and Power.

Well, I think that deserves a little toast.

To Captain Derouche

for securing most of the desert.

Captain Derouche.

Captain Derouche.

I can promise you, sir,

the Rippers will only be a minor setback.

Hmm.

Once I take care of them,

that final crack of land will be ours.

This crack of land, Captain?

Hm, hm, well, just a small crack.

Doesn't matter, we'll let that go.

Hmm.

Oh, my.

Now look what's happened.

We lost the Feta Plains.

And the Tenelson Ridge.

And so on!

There are three million liters of water underneath the Blue Dunes.

And you will retrieve it.

Do I make myself clear, gentlemen?

Yes, sir.

Good!

Remove your boots, Captain.

Now, come here.

The fool.

It was foolish not to carry out my order.

And it was foolish to walk across a floor full of glass.

If I were you, I wouldn't have done it.

I would have killed me first.

But you lack that courage, don't you, Captain?

Come closer.

Well.

Uh!

Ah.

Sergeant Small,

it's your show now.

Please,

try not to let me down.

Yes, sir.

Lovely.

I take guard duty very seriously.

Elvis, Elvis, come out and play.

Hey, baby, what do you say, me and you, Vegas?

Bollocks!

Boo!

Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Rebecca? Rebecca!

Ha ha, got you.

You butt smear.

What'd I tell you? Don't say butt smear.

It's not becoming. Say... asshole.

Or dickwad.

- Trade you. - What?

I'll sneak you some food for that danger ball you found.

I don't know. You know how to work it?

- Mm-hm. - If you don't...

you're steak tartare.

All right.

First, go get me my food.

Happy birthday.

I knew you couldn't resist me.

Snip snip.

Don't come any closer.

You gotta stay there.

And watch.

Okay, you can come a little bit closer.

But you can't touch.

Hi.

Lose the scissors.

Shit.

Water and Power, hands in the air!

Over here, over here!

It's the troopers.

Confirmed, they've been siphoning water.

Well, keep going.

We're just gettin' to the good stuff.

Ooh, yeah.

Okay.

Uh!

- Drop something? - Huh?

Ha ha.

Aww, shit.

Rebecca, help! Rebecca!

- Sam! - Rebecca!

No!

Richard!

Come on!

Shit!

We got her!

You've been stealing water.

- Not smart. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We could have a lot of fun with this one.

Well, well.

Don't you know you shouldn't own animals?

There's a water shortage.

There's your water.

Uh!

Hey, you.

Look at me when I'm talkin' to ya.

That cut looks painful.

I like pain.

And what else do you like?

Hot oil.

Vacuum attachments.

Yeah?

Yep.

Hey, which of you gorgeous guys

would like an oil change, hm?

Don't be stupid, she's gonna bite it off.

The moment I feel teeth,

you feel lead.

Well, what are you waiting for?

I'm gonna need a microscope and tweezers.

It's like, uh...

You know, you're gonna have to stop this.

You're really gettin' me hot.

Freeze!

What?

Ah, ah.