Death Ship

You're off course by two degrees.

Yes, Sir.

You've got to watch them all the time.

Captain?

Otherwise they'll become sloppy.

They'll become very, very sloppy.

- I think we should join the party, Captain.

Damn the passengers.

To see, to become a Captain,

not a party host.

You take care of her.

She'll be all yours in another three days.

I will.

Check our position every 30 minutes

and tell the purser I will

not be attending the over 50s party tomorrow.

Yes, Sir.

Unless you'd care to go?

I'm told you're an excellent conversationalist.

- That depends on whom I'm talking to, Sir.

Bastard.

Thank God it's his last trip.

Come on everyone,

let's move! - Good evening Mrs. Marshall.

Hey!

Nick, I want to dance!

Woo!

I wish I was 20 years younger!

- You're not Cyril, you'll have to dance with me.

Why don't you go to bed?

You can't keep your eyes open.

Yes, I can!

Another half hour Long John Silver

and you're going to bed.

That's not fair!

She's staying up, why can't I?

I'm older.

Now, that's enough, both of you.

Oo, baby!

Oo.

You can come with me!

Hey, great!

Now we've all had lots of booze and what have?

You all must be feeling very happy.

Let me hear ya, happy?

Let me hear ya a bit louder, ya happy?

Oh, ladies and gentlemen,

I see our captain has joined us.

Captain, welcome.

On behalf of everybody, Captain,

I would like to thank you for a very smooth trip,

especially the overland section.

Captain, how 'bout a little bow?

Give everyone a little bow.

Come on, Cap.

Let's hear it for the Captain!

Thank you.

- Now, gentlemen, a little music if you please.

40 years at sea and you end up being

a straight man for a smart-ass comedian.

I wonder what sort of jokes he'll make

about me when I take command?

None, darling.

Nobody ever makes jokes about you.

Oh.

Am I as stuffy as that?

I wouldn't know.

I hardly ever see you out of your uniform.

Wait until tonight.

Oh.

Sir, take a look a this.

It's on a collision course.

20 degrees port!

Can I have that, please?

Ben!

Is it past your bedtime?

Ben, that's greedy!

Robin, be an angel and take Ben

below and put him to bed, hm?

Say goodnight, Ben.

Come on.

Goodnight, Mom.

Goodnight, Son.

I'm sorry.

Thank you band, thank you.

That was great.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we are coming to the end of a very long

and beautiful voyage.

Aw!

Aw.

How about a little appreciation

for a great band, Mal Diamond and the Boys.

- Maybe you'll get used to all of this, I never did.

Cruising around in endless circles,

blue-rinse ladies repeating, ''Have a nice day,''

over and over again and then having

to have dinner with them

so that they can go back to Akron

or Toronto or wherever

and say that they ate with the Captain.

I thought Daddy was the Captain?

No dummy, not till the next trip.

Good.

Then I can get all the cake I want.

Ben, come back!

What ya doin' now?

I gotta go.

You've just been.

Well, I gotta go again.

Ben.

Women!

- It's as if it's deliberately trying to ram us.

Full to port.

Fast!

Get me the captain.

- My Husband was so anxious to come on this cruise.

But when God calls, you have to go.

Pardon?

He died, just before we sailed.

I'm not grieving.

I mean, he had a wonderful life.

And he would have wanted me to come on this cruise.

Are you a religious man? - Excuse me.

He's a wonderful man, but he's not religious.

How many more days?

Two and a half.

Are you counting?

Now listen, you promise you'll forget me.

I promise.

I know.

You say that to all the girls.

You're right.

What do you want me to say?

I don't want you to say anything.

Signal him to alter course!

We have, Sir!

Well, signal him again, damn it!

Full astern!

Let's get the hell outta here!

It's goin' down fast!

Come on!

Come on, let's go!

We've got to hold our position.

Make it easier for Air and Sea Rescue.

- They did get a distress signal off, didn't they?

Of course they did.

Daddy, Daddy!

What is it?

There's something in the water!

Here Nick, give me a hand!

Come on! That's it.

It's the Captain!

The poor man. - Get him up.

Make some room.

That's it, come on.

Give him air.

- He's breathing. - Move him over.

He's all right.

Captain, you poor thing!

- He'll be alright. - Oh my God.

- Is he all right? - Yes, that's it, that's it.

- My God. - You all right?

What can we do for him?

Wake up, Margaret.

Margaret, it's a ship!

Wake up!

Ahoy!

Ahoy!

Ahoy!

Hello up, there!

Is anybody up there?

Ahoy!

Ahoy!

Hello!

Ahoy!

- Ahoy, there! - Hello!

Ahoy!

Ahoy!

- Ahoy! - Hello!

Hello!

Is anybody up there?

Hey!

Anybody home?

Look!

They've lowered the ladder!

- Well, at least someone on board heard us.

- What would a ship be doing anchored out here?

I don't know.

Maybe some sort of engine failure.

- Steady, steady! - Right, I got it.

Mind the Captain!

Nick, go take a look.

Hello?

Hello, anyone on watch?

Hello!

Anybody here?

Hello!

There's no one here!

Okay Ben, up you go.