The Big Bang Theory

Clarify something for me.

Isn't the point

of a communal meal

the exchange of ideas and opinions?

An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?

It is.

You just kind of put a damper on things

when you said, "The next person I see talking

with food in their mouth will be put to death."

Well, we could argue about who said what all night long,

but to set things back on course,

I will propose a new topic of conversation.

Great.

What is the best number?

By the way, there's only one correct answer.

5,318,008?

Wrong.

The best number is 73.

You're probably wondering why.

No. Uh-uh. We're good.

73 is the 21st prime number.

Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21,

is the product of multiplying--

hang on to your hats-- seven and three.

Eh? Eh? Did I lie?

We get it.

73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.

Chuck Norris wishes.

In binary 73 is a palindrome:

"one-zero-zero- one-zero-zero-one"

which backwards is "one-zero- zero-one-zero-zero-one"--

exactly the same.

All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is: "Sirron Kcuhc."

Just for the record,

when you enter 5,318,008 on a calculator,

upside-down it spells "boobies""

Remember when you were wondering

why the girls didn't want to eat with us tonight?

Yeah, I get it now.

I love your little heart locket, Bernadette.

Oh, thanks.

Howard gave it to me.

It's the cutest thing.

Every time I have dinner with his mom,

the next day I get jewelry.

Did you know that the iconic Valentine's heart shape

is not actually based on the shape of a human heart,

but rather on the shape of the buttocks

of a female bending over?

Oh, so I spent seventh grade

dotting my I's with little asses?

Cool.

Hey, Penny, how's it going?

Hey, Zack, what are you doing here?

My dad's company prints the menus for this place.

I'm just dropping off some new ones laminated.

Makes 'em easier to clean if people throw up on 'em.

Guess how I got the idea?

Yeah, I got it, I got it.

Uh, Zack, these are my friends Bernadette and Amy.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hoo.

Okay, well, it was good to see you.

Yeah, you, too.

He's really cute. How do you know him?

Oh, we went out a couple of times.

I'm often flummoxed by current slang.

Does "went out" mean "had intercourse"?

Yes. No, no.

But in this case, yes.

Interesting.

And was it not satisfactory?

No, it was great.

He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.

Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?

Wouldn't help. Zack can't even spell NPR.

It's what I do with Howard.

I'm much smarter than he is.

But it's important to protect his manhood.

Hoo.

What's the matter?

I'm suddenly feeling flushed.

My heart rate is elevated, my palms are clammy,

my mouth is dry.

In addition, I keep involuntarily saying "hoo."

Oh, we know what's causing that, don't we?

It's no mystery.

I obviously have the flu

coupled with sudden-onset Tourette's syndrome.

Did you hear about the accident at the bio lab?

No. What happened?

They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes

and one of the techs got bit.

Did he get superpowers?

No, he got five stitches and a tetanus shot.

Oh. Well, that's disappointing.

Why?

Well, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab,

you kind of want to turn into a superhero.

Yeah, but who'd want to become Rat-Man?

Who wouldn't?

You could zip through a maze in nothing flat,

squeeze through really small holes,

and shut down restaurants in a single bound.

And the best part is, if I were Rat-Man,

you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy.

Mouse Boy?

You don't like "Mouse Boy"?

How about "Kid Vermin"?

First of all, if we had superpowers,

I wouldn't be the sidekick. You'd be the sidekick.

Rat-Man is nobody's sidekick.

Leonard, settle this.

Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?

Yeah, Leonard, who?

12 years after high school, and I'm still at the nerd table.

Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?

It's too thin if I were making

a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos.

For examination under a two- photon microscope, it's fine.

Well, you're the expert.

If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.

Very well.

If you die and donate your body to science,

I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to take my temperature.

Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms

in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity?

I did that one summer.

Ah, youth.

No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night,

so I'm checking my vital signs every hour.

I'd be happy to create a chart

and participate in a differential diagnosis.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

All right.

What were the symptoms?

Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth

and localized vascular throbbing.

Localized to what region?

Ears and genitalia.

Interesting.

Not body parts that usually team up.

What about environmental factors?

Describe the scene for me.

I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette,

drinking water-- carbonated as it was a special occasion.

Penny's friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said "hoo."

Who?

Zack.

Then why did you ask?

Ask what? Who.

Zack.

All right, let's start over.

What did you say when Zack walked in?

"Hoo." Zack.

Why do you keep saying "Zack"?

Because you keep saying "who."

I'm not saying "hoo" now.

I said "hoo" last night.

And the answer was Zack, correct?

There was no question.

I simply said "hoo."

All right, I think I have enough to go on.

Possible explanations for your symptoms are,

in descending order of likelihood:

hyperthyroidism, premature menopause,

hosting an alien parasite or--

and I only include it for the sake of covering

absolutely all bases-- sexual arousal.

Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?

There you are.

Oh, hey.

Let me ask you a question. What are you most afraid of?

I don't know. Um...

Nuclear war.

Accidentally being buried alive.

Any of those movies where you get that phone call

that says you're going to die.

And then you do.

No. Something very specific

that we both know you,

Rajesh Koothrappali, are terrified of.

Well, type two diabetes runs in my family.

The thought of losing a toe...

Spiders! You're afraid of spiders!

What the heck is this?

A jar with a big spider in it, of course.

Bravery test.

First one to take his hand out is the sidekick.

Are you crazy?

Perhaps.

Are you scared?

No. But it's a stupid test.

Oh, really? What if the earth was in danger

and the only way to save it was

to stick your hand in a jar with a spider?

Oh, yeah? What if the earth was in danger