King of the Hill

("Yahoos and Triangles" by The Refreshments playing)

Budding Thespians

of TLMS, I give you

the cast list of Oklahoma!

I'm in a dance number.

It will be an honor to work with you.

I think you'll find my portrayal of Curly

to be both sensitive and gruff.

Now, where are you, Curly?

Ah! Hello there.

Ken Hayashi?

Sorry, Bobby.

Kenny just has a certain "rootin'-tootin'" quality about him.

His brother had it, too.

Yee-haw!

Wonderful!

Let's get a move on!

I wanna get to the flea market

while the tube sock guy is still there.

Oh, Hank, just cut the pom-poms off

and wear a pair of mine.

Our boy is just sulking in bed

in his pajamas and a cowboy hat.

You know, if you ask me, there might be

a silver lining to him not being a dancing cowboy.

Hank, we both know he is not like you,

but you are still his father,

so go in there and sympathize with him.

It's just...

the tube sock guy always brings that old German Shepard,

and if it gets too hot,

I know he's gonna have to take him home.

I just can't believe it.

I thought it was meant to be.

Ah, yeah, I know.

I know. It's terrible.

It's just terrible.

-Terrible. -(music stops)

It's a beautiful day out there.

Why don't you get dressed, uh, throw out that hat,

and go hang out with your friends?

I can't.

Joseph's at football practice,

and Connie's at one of her recitals.

They've both got things they're good at.

I always thought performing was my thing.

You've seen me fall down.

I can cry on demand.

Why?

See?

Uh... well, we just need to find you a new thing.

A cool new thing,

and I know just the place to find it.

Ah, the flea market.

It's like America's garage.

You know, somewhere in all this old stuff is the new you, son.

Hey, a lawnmower engine.

Get a truck dolly and an old steering wheel,

and you could be "The Go-Cart Guy."

Ah, come on, it's not that hot.

Here.

Why don't you take a lap?

See what you come up with.

Hey, what are those?

Oh, those are Tarot Cards.

People use them to tell the future.

They're like baseball cards for Hobbits!

I'll take 'em!

Hey, Bobby, ready to roll?

Oh, so you found something.

Yeah. I bought these really cool cards.

Well, all right, Bobby!

Everybody respects a guy who's good at cards.

-Really? -Well, sure.

That's why they always get nicknames like "Amarillo Slim"

or "The Cincinnati Kid."

I know, I'll call you "Ace!"

Now focus all your energy on this card,

and it will foretell your future.

The Ten of Swords.

It means advantage, profit, success.

Well, hey, that's great.

Things have been going pretty well for me,

you know, with my girlfriend, Laoma,

-and... Oh.

Wait, it's upside down.

That means something.

Pain, affliction,

tears, sadness, desolation.

Oh!

Oh, for the love of Mordecai.

Oh, I see you're into Tarot.

How long have you divined the cards?

Couple of days.

It's kind of my thing.

The only thing you can predict with these is a coincidence.

No. If you want any accuracy at all,

you need a Mantegna deck or at least a Fibbia.

Huh? Sounds like you really know what you're talking about.

Yeah. "Sounds like."

As a 14th-level sorcerer, I'd be a joke if I didn't.

Of course, forecasting the future is just the beginning.

The real power of magick...

and that's magick with a "ck"...

comes in manipulating the present.

Ward!

I told you to clean that bathroom a half hour ago.

I'm right on it, chief!

Hey, I wanna learn more about this stuff.

Listen, young friend,

do not let anyone see this address.

Arrive exactly at the stroke of four.

Ward! -And bring some potato chips.

Today, Merlin!

Oh, wise and mighty Herodia, do, please do smite him.

Damn it, Dale, you got to stop painting

your house number on my curb.

Sorry, Hank, but I got to lay low for a while.

You have no idea how far the jackals at the Franklin Mint

will go to collect a debt.

Is it okay if I'm a little late for dinner?

My friend Ward invited me to a gathering.

Gee, Bobby,

you put me in an awkward position.

You really should be asking your father.

Well, who's this Ward fella?

I met him at the video store.

He saw my card pouch, and we got to talking.

So I'm gonna hang out with him and his friends tonight.

I'm bringing the chips.

Well, see, Bobby, I knew you'd find your "thing."

And doesn't that sound like more fun

than being in a musical about Oklahoma?

Welcome to the Coven of Artemis!

-(birds chirping) -(dog barking)

Wow! Cool lair.

I suppose introductions are in order.

Bobby, meet Vaughn,

N'oram Woodbender,

Pan the Soothsayer,

and, of course, the Master of Disaster...

Mitchell Jefferson.

You can't just bring outsiders to our meetings!

It's okay, Mitchell.

He's cool.

You're supposed to--

I said, he's cool!

Welcome.

Bobby, be forewarned.

Because of the powers of the Coven, people fear us.

When we walk down the streets, mothers steer their babies away.

Shopkeepers close their stores.

Holy...

This looks like something out of Harry Potter.

Dude, I just vouched for you.

Uh... if Harry Potter went to... hell.

Hmm...

Mm-hm.

This, Bobby, is nutmeg, and we use this spice for...

Um, oh, I remember.

Give me a second...

invincibility.

Resplendent!

The spices sit easily upon you.

Oh...

I see you boys are making a cake.

A cake?

Yeah.

A cake of tremendous power!

Score one for the acolyte.

-(whistle blowing) Fumble, Joseph Gribble.

As much as I hate seeing my boy play badly,

I do enjoy hearing his name over the loudspeaker.

Sorry, but I got to blow off the last quarter.

I told the guys I'd meet them in the parking lot.

Know when to hold 'em, Ace.

Go get 'em, Shuffles!

Uh-oh. Ace is gonna need this.

Hey, any of you kids seen Bobby Hill?

Blonde hair, card player?

Mm-mm.

That's okay, he must be tailgating over there.

Forces of fire,

beings of the south,

we command you to rise and lend us your power!

Interloper!

What the hell are you people doing?

Hey, Dad!

Bobby?

Meet the guys.

Or as we like to call ourselves...

The Coven of Artemis.

Baaah!

Here I am thinking you're playing a nice, honest game of poker,

and instead, you're summoning the Prince of Dragons?

-(kids laughing) Check out the dork!