King of the Hill

Yeah. That was good.

Oh!

Ooh!

That's what I like about wrestling.

There aren't any rules.

You can do anything to a guy,

jump on him, stick him with a pin.

The only limit is your imagination.

Don't they have any girl wrestlers in this game?

No. But some of the older ones have breasts.

Connie, that was your mother on the phone.

She wants to make sure you were doing homework.

Am I in trouble?

I don't think so.

I told her you were busy

wrestling with some word problems.

Oh, Peggy...

Thanks, Mrs. Hill.

I guess I better start my math homework.

Oh! That's got to hurt!

-(light music) -(crickets chirping)

Thanks.

This is Hill.

COACH (on phone): Dust off your gym skirt, Peggy.

We need a sub for girls' sports.

- Location? - Tom Landry Middle School.

- Duration? - Indefinite.

Did the previous instructor leave a lesson plan

calendar, notes on a post-it?

Well, that's sort of a funny story, actually.

See, there is no previous girls' coach.

We sort of forgot to hire one.

Hm.

So, where are you stationed today, soldier?

Fort mathematics?

Today I'm teaching gym.

Whoa, now, that's serious, Peggy.

Gym is where a boy learns teamwork

and the importance of winning.

Actually, I'm teaching girls' gym.

Oh. Oh, good luck to you.

Do I have a clean shirt?

Why choose basketball?

Well, for one thing,

it's the only sport where you get to bounce a ball.

- You bounce a football... -(Bobby yawns)

Well, that's a fumble, isn't it?

Baseball... no bouncing at all.

Bounce a ball in hockey...

That's a mandatory drug test right there.

So, join the basketball team.

Thank you.

-(thuds) -(grunting)

Cool.

A little staged, but it's still pretty good.

Gentlemen, I'm not going to try to win you over

with a lot of fancy talk about bouncing.

I just want you to know one thing,

every kid who shows up to wrestle

will earn a place on the team and the right to wear this.

Wow! Silver piping.

- Good morning, class. -(mic squeaks)

I am Mrs. Peggy Hill

or Coach Hill.

Now, we are offering you girls a special program which combines

the thrills of wrestling with the skills of basketball

in something we call, general sports.

Alright. Listen up!

Go on.

I want to start by showing you a basic move

and I need a volunteer.

You there,

just come at me.

That's called a center-step, single-leg attack.

- Ow. - Now what are you going to do, huh?

Now what, big man?

You going to dump me, huh?

You going to pin me?

This'll teach you to pull a knife on me!

Hard to stab a guy

when you're hopping around all day, huh, Hoppy?

Huh? What?

All right. Good job.

-(birds chirping) -(zipper unzips)

Hmm...

I hear Eddie Tucker

started patching his driveway.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Where'd he get his asphalt?

- Johnson's. -(spits)

Dad! Dad, guess what?

I joined a team!

A sports team?

Uh-huh! Wrestling!

It's the best sport ever, dad!

There's no running!

Way to go, boy!

Wrestling's a darn fine sport.

Heck, it's an Olympic sport.

And this is offered through the school, right?

Not some guy in a van with a camcorder?

It's the real thing.

I'm in a very advanced weight class.

You hear that, guys?

Bobby made a school team today without me even being the coach.

Congratulations, Hank.

BILL, DALE, AND BOOMHAUER: Whoo!

What are you here for?

Well, dooley,

a pre-teen girl is like a skinny little tree

about to enter the hurricane of adolescence.

And if we don't protect and nurture this little tree

before you know it, she'll be bitter and pregnant.

For that reason

I am asking the principal

for new basketballs for the girls.

I peed in some kid's locker.

Girls' sports are a joke.

Yeah, if I just jim-jangle my schedule a bit,

I think I can make it to all of Bobby's practices.

What a great time in a boy's father's life.

Hank, what if Bobby was a girl?

Well, that's just it, Peggy.

I don't think we have to worry about that anymore.

Do you know what that principal said

when I asked for more basketballs for the girls?

He said that the money was earmarked

to put holograms on tickets

to the football games.

Holograms prevent ticket fraud, Peggy.

There's a lot of sick people out there.

Well, it's just not fair.

It's like nothing has changed since I was a kid.

Can you run as well as you can hit?

Yes, sir. I sure can.

Then run over to the store then

and get these boys some soda pop.

That a girl.

Yeah, boys love soda pop.

We got to remember to bring some

to Bobby's practice.

Looking good, son.

You too, dad.

Uh, I wanted to give you this before practice.

You know, you might not be here if it weren't for this cup.

It's made from the finest American steel

ever to come out of Pittsburgh, P-A.

This used to be mine

and before that, it was your grandfather's.

There's holes in it.

How am I supposed to drink out of this?

Bobby, it's not for...

Gotcha!

Rhythm, girls!

First you blow, then you throw.

-(blows) -(thumps)

-(thuds) -(grunting)

Good spirit, Hill.

Can I have some Gatorade now?

Sure, kid, you're sweating plenty.

Hey, Connie, how's it going?

Not so good.

-(blows) -(grunts)

I just found out

we're not getting uniforms.

You're better off.

We have home uniforms, away uniforms...

It's so confusing.

Uh-huh. Did you learn the pile driver yet?

That's not really a wrestling move.

Real wrestling is about holds.

You got your headlocks, your leg locks, your belly locks.

If you got it, we'll lock it.

Here, I'll show you.