South Park

South Park - Season 11 Episode 6 "D-Yikes!"

Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up!

Goddamnit!

Stupid ass man! They're all the same!

Oh God, here we go again.

All men care about is SEX!

I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date!

And when the bastard checks out my body, he just says,

"Hey, did you used to be a guy or somethin'?"

I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?!

Uh oh, this isn't good.

Did I say something to you, sugartits?!

No ma'am.

You boys make me sick!

You're well on your way to being men,

who only think with their penises!

I am assigning you all weekend homework!

You are going to read Hemingway's book,

"The Old Man And The Sea"!

Have you lost your mind?

Dude, we can't read an entire book in one weekend.

Oh, that's too bad, dude.

Maybe if you boys could keep your penises in your pants

once in a while you'd get more done!

But Teacher, my penis never slips out of my pants.

Eh-except sometimes when I'm wearin' pajamas.

If you do not have an essay written on Monday,

then you will fail! Is that clear?!

Dude, how are supposed to read an entire book

over the weekend and write an essay?

Our whole weekend is shot.

You guys, you guys, relax.

We don't have to read the book or write the essay.

- We don't? - No.

There's people you can hire to do these sorts of things.

¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?

Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?

- Yeis. - We looking work, sí.

Okay, listen up, Mexicans. We need you to read

"The Old Man And The Sea" for us. Comprende?

"The Old Man Y La Mer.

Okay. Sure. Okay. Yeah.

Here. We need you to work together, read the book

and write four essays, comprende?

La samaraisia.

- Okay no problem. That's no problem. - Yeah, we can do that.

Sí, la samuraisia.

- Okay, gracias. - Gracias.

Dude, that is awesome. I had no idea you could do that.

Oh yeah, dude. Havin' Mexicans around totally kicks fuckin' ass.

They can all rot in hell!

Who needs men anyway?!

They're Goddamned arrogant self-centered assholes is what they are!

Are you okay, hon?

I just hate men is all.

It's like all they care about is how hot you look!

Yeah, I've never been into men.

That's why I work out here.

Since it's women only we don't get ogled at or feel self-conscious.

Tell me about it!

I can't even stretch at a normal gym

without some guy trying to stare down my vage.

I'm Allyson.

Oh, I'm Janet. Janet Garrison.

Sorry I'm so pissed off.

No, I like it.

You seem like a very strong woman.

Yeah, I've been told that.

How come I've never seen you down at the girl bar?

Girl bar? I never even knew there was such a place.

Oh you'd love it. It's the only bar in town

where women like us can hang out and be ourselves.

It's called "Les Bos."

Hi Linda, hi Kate.

Hey Allyson.

Who's the new girl?

Allyson always goes for the butch ones.

Hey Nell. What's up, Tracy?

Oowhat a great place.

All the girls here seem to know each other.

Yeah. Well, most of the girls here have done each other.

He-yeah. Done what?

You know. Had sex.

Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar??

Yeah. I... thought you understood that.

Oh jeez.

I'm sorry. I thought you knew what "girl bar" meant.

But I'm not a- ...whoa! Who-o-o-o-oa.

Janet, I'm really sorry. It's just that at the gym

you said you didn't like being with men, so I thought you were a-

I don't like being with men!

They're perverted selfish pigs!

Have you... never even... thought... of being... with another woman?

Oho goodness no!

Of course I haven't.

I mean... really I don't even understand

how two women can make love.

I mean un, unless they just kinda scissor or something.

There are a lot of ways to make love, Janet.

I guess I'd be lying

if I said I wasn't a little ...titillated.

Could I... maybe kiss you?

Oh, this is wrong!

You're another woman; it doesn't make sense!

Is it wrong, Janet? Let your inhibitions go.

Let's just have fun tonight.

No commitments. Just fun.

Oh yeah, scissor!

Yeah, scissor me Allyson!

Janet, you're crazy!

Oh, this is hot scissoring!

Ohh! Scissor me timbers!

They'd better be done with the book reports!

School starts in 15 minutes!

They'll be done.

¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?

All right, did you read the book?

- Sí - Sí.

What was it about? Ih-in case our teacher asks us.

Eet starts there the old man,

and his job is to catch the feesh,

so he get in the boht, to try and catch feesh.

Saw he catch the feesh, but the feesh is very strong,

so the old man, cannot reel in the feesh.

So then he fight the feesh. Some more.

And he finally catch the feesh.

He catches the feesh so, then he can make money.

No, because on the way home,

the sharks come and eat the feesh.

And so, he no make money.

That's it, that's the whole story?

Sí.

All right, did you write the four essays?

Sí, we all wrote eses for you.

- All right! - Okay, let's have 'em.

Have what?

You said you all wrote essays.

Where are they?

Well, my ese lives in Miami.

I wrote to him like you said,

but I don't think he got the letter yet.

I wrote my ese in Albuquerque

I wrote three eses:

my ese back home, my ese in Denver,

and my ese in Glenwood even wrote me back.

"Thanks for writing me, ese."

Dude, we're totally fucked now!

Why the hell would we pay you to write your friends?!

We thought it was kind of strange.

This is your fault, Cartman! Now we're gonna fail!

You guys, school starts in ten minutes!

Son of a bitch!

Clyde? Clyde! Hey hey Clyde!

You didn't finish your essay either, right?

No, I got it done.

Jimmy, did you finish your book report?

Yeah. I feel pretty good about it. I finished my whole book report

and, I got a really nice letter from my ese

who works down at the U-Haul.

- Crap! - We're dead.

Hello, class.

Here's my little desk,

my nice lil' chalkboard ...

Mrs. Garrison, about our book reports...

Oho, that's okay Eric.

If you need a little more time with your homework, just say so.

Really?

Kids, I need to tell you something

that you might find shocking.

I'm gay.

Again?

It was a shock to me too.

I... met another woman and...

we went to this fabulous bar called Lesbos

where I finally felt at home.

Allyson and I talked, and really opened up to each other and...

then we... scissored all night long.

You have to be careful with scissors.

But listen, I am not going to just rush into a relationship with Allyson.

I'm a late-in-life lesbian.

So I need to play the field for a while, right?

Oh I'm so happy.

That's great!

Let's hear it for Teacher being a lesbian!

YAY!

Hey Tracy, hey Kate.

Hi Janet.

Lookin' hot, Linda.

Wanna go somewhere and scissor later on?

Huh?

Hey Patty.

What's up, Janet.

Ooo, stop giving me that look.

Scissoring me with your eyes.

Hey Janet, why don't you pick up on your own girl?

Oh yeah, dyke fight!

You kicked me right in the pussy!

Uh? Oh! Oh, we're scissoring. Oh yeah, scissor!

You guys. You guys, stop it.

Listen to me, everybody.