The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon, do you want to put the tables after each section

or in an appendix at the end?

You know what? We wrote this paper together.

I think we should decide together

that they go in an appendix at the end.

How about that? There is an "I" in "team."

- Look at what we made. - I know.

It really is the best of both of us.

It's got my math and your sassy takedown

of the fundamental nature of symmetry.

It's got my bottomless intellectual curiosity

and your petulant refusal

to spell "gray" with an "a" like an American.

You realize we still have a lot of work to do

before we can publish.

Perhaps we should divide and conquer.

Now, you track down all the citations

and properly note them in our bibliography,

and I will roll up my sleeves

and decide what font we want to use.

Sheldon, there are hundreds of citations to track down.

And thousands of fonts, but you don't hear me complaining.

I am not gonna spend weeks

in a library looking up old papers.

Can't we hire a grad student to do it?

Yeah, a grad student?

I am not trusting our unpublished paper

to some millennial.

They'll put unicorn emojis on it

and then post it on social media.

Why would they do that?

Economic anxiety, too much avocado toast, who cares?

Look, the point is, we can't afford to have this paper leaked

before we're ready to publish.

That's how you kiss the Nobel Prize good-bye

instead of hello as I intend to do.

I assume you mean metaphorically.

Absolutely not. If the King of Sweden hands me a medal,

I intend to smear it with Purell and then kiss it.

But what if we ask one of our friends to help us out?

How about Leonard?

Gee, I don't know. Can we trust him?

He's your best friend in the whole world.

Yes, but he's always struck me

as the guy in the plane crash

who doesn't wait until you're all the way dead to eat you.

I think you can trust him.

Oh, Amy, you never lose that childlike innocence.

Leonard, I need to tell you something.

I'm having an affair.

Okay.

You have to swear not to tell anybody.

Okay.

You are the only one who knows.

Uh, well, you and Rita, the cafeteria lady

who has been giving me more than Tater Tots.

Hey, Sheldon.

Not a word.

What did he want?

Oh, nothing. He just concocted some stupid test

to see if I can keep a secret.

Ooh, what's the secret?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

The test is stupid, but I still want to pass.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Congratulations, Leonard, you passed my secret loyalty test.

The truth is, I was never having an affair

with the cafeteria lady.

There's only one woman who gets to touch my no-no parts,

and she's right here.

- Sheldon. - No, no.

Well, I am shocked, Sheldon,

because I totally believed that the woman you reported

for being stingy with the peas couldn't keep her hands off you.

Well, I am a little hurt that you weren't gonna tell me

my husband was having an affair. I thought we were friends.

I didn't really believe him.

Why not? You don't think other women find him attractive?

No.

I suppose you're wondering why I put you through all this.

You mean the last two minutes or the last 20 years?

We need to ask you a big favor.

Well, you've certainly gone about it the right way.

You know we're almost finished with our paper;

we just need help tracking down the citations.

That's busywork. Can't you just get a grad student to do it?

No, this paper is incredibly important to us,

and we need someone we can trust.

Please, it would mean a lot.

Y-You know what? Sure.

The three of us in the library looking up old papers--

that actually could be kind of fun.

Oh, no, we won't be there.

It just got more fun.

Bam, took him out.

Now I'm doing a victory dance to celebrate.

Where are you?

About to shoot some dancing jackass.

Hey!

And now I'm doing a victory dance.

What you playing?

Fortnite.

A bunch of people parachute onto an island

and fight it out to be the last man standing.

Like Hunger Games?

More like Bachelor in Paradise,

but not as cutthroat.

Sounds fun. Can I play?

I don't know if you'd like it. It's kind of for gamers.

Hey, I'm a gamer. I play Candy Crush, Bejeweled,

and Sesame Street Letter School,

which I beat our daughter at every single time.

All right, give it a shot.

This one's how you move, this is how you shoot.

"A" jumps, "B" puts you into build mode.

And depending on what you want to build,

you can use LB, RB, LT, or RT.

Just put me in, I'll figure it out.

Oh, sounds like me on our honeymoon.

Okay, you're skydiving down.

You're almost to the ground.

Now, when you land, you're gonna want...

Okay, you're dead.

Wait, that's it? That wasn't fun at all.

Oh, now it sounds like you on our honeymoon.

Thanks for helping with this.

What are friends for?

My friend sent me down to this basement to do his grunt work,

so I wouldn't know.

Hey, probably shouldn't say anything,

but did you hear about Sheldon and the lunch lady?

Yeah, uh, that's not true.

That's just something Sheldon made up to test us.

I wish I'd known that before I called her a floozy

in front of the whole lunch line.

This is a list of the papers we need to pull.

Why don't we split up? You take half, I take half.

I don't know, it's pretty creepy down here.

Maybe we should stay together.

Come on, Raj, it's just a library.

You could say that about anything.

It's just a cemetery. It's just a haunted house.

It's just a portal to hell.

F-Fine, how about we split up

but we stay in constant communication with each other?

Yeah, thank you.

Leonard?

- Still here. - Okay.

- Leonard? - Still here.

Okay.

Leonard?

Leonard?

Oh, God!

Too much dust.

Hey, ready for lunch?

Hang on.

Really, video games?

Is this some sort of Freaky Friday thing

where you're actually Howard?

Please, if I were Howard, I'd be doing this.

You know what? He's not wrong.

All right, great, can we go?

In a minute. I want to show Howard I can play this game.

You know, you make a lot more money than he does.

Can't you just rub his nose in that?

I can, but I want to rub his nose in this.

Ugh, damn it, why can't I hit anybody?

Here, let me try.

Lots of luck-- it's way harder than it looks.

Got him.

Okay, this citation is correct. How you doing?

Pretty good. I'm just looking through

"The Effect of High Energy Muons on Proton Pion Scattering

at the National Accelerator..."

"...Laboratory."

Hey, should we take a break?

No, this actually makes it more exciting.

We have to get through all of this before I run out of this.

It's like the movie Speed, but instead of a bus,

it's your lungs.

And instead of Sandra Bullock, it has sadness.

Why did you pull this Russian paper?

Oh, it was cited in this paper over here,

so I thought we should check it out.

Mm, it's not translated.

Maybe we should talk to Howard; his Russian's pretty good.

We don't need Howard. I've got Google Translate.

Okay, here we go,

from Russian to English.

"Examinations of moose chowder in lemon parachutes."

Yeah, okay, now I know why this app is free.

Oh, gosh, my Russian's a little rusty.

If it helps, this word may be "moose."

Okay.

This paper is called

"Examinations of a

Super-Asymmetric Model of the Universe"

by Dr. Vasily Gregora-poli-popivich.

W-Wait, so Amy and Sheldon

weren't the first to think of super-asymmetry?