M*A*S*H

Disgusting!

Today's assembly took

two seconds longer than yesterday's.

Major Burns? - Yes, Father?

I have us two seconds quicker than yesterday.

Your watch must be off.

Hardly likely.

It was given to me by my bishop.

Klinger!

Sir!

How dare you wear that hat while in uniform?

It's spring, sir!

I've warned you.

That crazy stuff's not going to get you out.

Next time I find you in a hat or a brassiere...

heh heh... I'll promote you.

Major.

Don't forget to water the flowers.

Now, I'd like your strict attention, people, please.

I have some announcements.

Corporal O'Reilly.

Clipboard, sir!

A can of Danish ham is missing from my office.

It was a personal ham sent to me by my insurance man.

Now, unless the guilty party, whoever he and/or she is,

returns it immediately,

he, she or they will be severely disciplined.

Scrub room detail.

Here we are. This is good.

The corner of 42nd Street and Filth Avenue.

Captain!

No man calls me that and lives.

Captain Pierce, officers returning from leave

are supposed to check in with the commanding officer

upon their return!

Hello, honey, I'm home.

What's the tab, Melvin?

Ten bucks, American.

Here's 20. Buy yourself a new bicycle seat

before you get hemorrhoids.

Thanks, Joe. - (Laughter)

Consider it a gift from a man who has everything.

Captain Pierce!

For you, Frank.

It's a MacArthur doll.

Wind him up and he returns from anywhere.

Pierce, stop!

He's defying your authority.

Oh, I'll handle that.

Blow them away, Corporal.

Hawkeye? Hey!

Hawkeye?

Hey, Hawkeye?

Just one note, Radar,

and I'll show you a new way to play that thing.

Oh, no, I wasn't gonna...

Listen. - Shush.

Softly, Radar. Talk in small letters.

I have the Mount Rushmore of hangovers.

Six aspirin companies are bidding for my head.

But I wanna tell you folks.

Uh, yes, sir. Uh, we...

Have you ever had a mouthful of cotton, Radar?

Uh, no, sir. We were vegetarians. Listen...

I think I'll have my breakfast in here.

Soap could only improve it.

We couldn't reach you in Tokyo. We tried for 24 hours.

That was the idea. I was on R and R,

resting and recreating.

Yeah, well, we couldn't find you anyplace.

I was with an unlisted geisha.

She did the mile in 10 minutes and 8 seconds

and never left my back.

Well, I just wanted you to know we couldn't reach ya,

and we really tried. - What'd you need me for?

You had Frank Burns and trusty Trapper John,

champion of the oppressed and molester of registered nurses.

He's gone, Hawkeye.

He got his orders. He's been shipped stateside.

What?

Trapper's gone. He got his orders.

Trapper went home?

Yeah, well, he's on his way.

What the hell are you talking about? How? When?

Well, he found out about three days ago.

Why didn't you call me?

I said we tried!

I can't believe it.

Neither could he.

He got drunk for two days,

and then he ran naked through the mess tent

with no clothes on.

How could he leave without saying goodbye?

Well, he waited around as long as he could.

No note? A letter? Nothing?

Uh, no.

Nothing?

Well, he did say that I should give you something, but, uh...

What-what-what-what-what? What-what-what?

Ah, gee, I can't.

What?

Okay, but just remember, this was his idea.

How long ago did he leave?

Couple hours.

He's taking an early plane out of Kimpo.

Today? This morning? - Yeah.

Oh, no! Aw, gee!

I don't mind the disrespect behind my back.

It's the "in front of people" that hurts.

I just wish Pierce had gone and McIntyre had stayed.

Oh, Frank,

have you forgotten? - Hmm?

The time McIntyre sedated you

and shaved every bit of hair off your body.

Well, he was still better than Pierce.

God only knows how he carried on in Tokyo.

I'm sure. - Oh, Margaret.

Margaret, whatever happened

to good old meat-and-potatoes Christianity?

Whatever happened to Aimee McPherson?

Poor soul went up in her plane and was never heard from again.

Frank, that was Amelia Earhart.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's still a few giants left in this old world.

Do you think it'd be all right if I took a pen

and wrote in a bold, military hand.

"To Frank, with eternal gratitude, Doug"?

I do not.

Oh, gee, Margaret!

Ever since I've been commanding officer,

you don't let me do anything.

Frank? - Well, it's about time you checked in.

I'm checking out.

I'm going to Kimpo to say goodbye to Trapper.

You're not going anywhere.

And stop leaking on my desk!

Frank, I lived with the guy for over a year.

He's my best friend.

You're exaggerating his importance.

He was very important to you too, Frank.

Says who? - For over a year,

he kept me from killing you. I'll see you in two hours.

Pierce, we cannot be caught with our complement down.

Listen, Mrs. First Lady, I checked.

We've only got two patients in post-op:

a nurse who was bitten on her nameplate by Sergeant Niles

and Sergeant Niles with a broken jaw.

Uh, papers just came through on Captain Hunnicutt, sir.

Who? - Captain McIntyre's replacement.

He's due at Kimpo within the hour.

Permission granted to go pick him up?

Permission granted, Corporal.

Oh, sorry, Major.

Hmm? Oh, it's all right, Major.

Permission granted, Corporal.

Thank you, Major. Major.

Now why are you wet, too?

Uh, must be something in the water, sir.

Well, take it off. First get into a dry uniform.

Rats ate it.

Oh, Lord.

Request permission to go to my quarters, sir!

Oh, scram. - Scramming, sir!

What a dodo.

Frank, look.

Hunnicutt's fresh out of residency.

Stanford Medical School. Wonderful qualifications.

And look at this. Tau Phi Epsilon.

Is that a very selective fraternity?

Very. They blackballed me.

Oh, Frank.

Well, they insisted on double-breasted tuxedos.

I didn't have one. - Poor baby.

I dyed my brown suit, but it ran when I danced.

You do tend to perspire, Frank.

Well, it's a family thing, on my mother's side.

Dad was always dry, but Mom sweated a lot.

Yeah, I've got his face and her glands.

Look at this.

Top ten every time he graduated.

Well, he certainly sounds like our kind of person.

Oh, it'll be a welcome change

from all that guff we took from those two smartskis.

Hunnicutt. Hunnicutt.

I knew a Dr. Hunnicutt.

He was killed in an explosion at the goiter clinic.

What an opportunity.

A young doctor on his first assignment,

and we'll train him our way, Frank.

You know, Margaret, I have a feeling.

I'll bet he's Republican.

Oh...

that would be too much to ask.

Thanks, Igor.

Move over, Radar. - Why?

Because you drive like I spit. Come on.

You're not supposed to go with me.

Move! - Is that a direct order?

Would I do that to you?

Come on, Major Burns will have my tail in a sling.