Abbott Elementary

Alright. And once again, the school district requires

that uniforms be purchased

at O'Hare's Warehouse.

If your children show up in a makeshift uniform

from a department store,

we're gonna send them home.

What's the difference between a blue shirt and khaki pants

from Filene's Basement and O'Hare's?

One gets them sent home.

Was that not clear? I'm sorry. Right. Right.

Also, guys, what did I say about

just shouting out the question, alright?

Please have some decorum. Damn.

But the PTA did successfully get Abbott 30% off

for the rest of the month,

so head there fast, people.

That's big. Mm-hmm.

That's big, yeah. Right?

That's cool. We did that.

That's good, very good. Mm-hmm.

You're welcome.

Alright, moving on.

We've received many emails

about the golf course being built up the street

and what this means for our kids.

Not just our kids... what about our community?

You know they're trying to price us out.

I don't want my daughter to have to change schools next year. No!

Can we stop it from being built?

Yeah! Uh-huh.

People, the golf course is happening.

There's nothing we can do about that. Mnh-mnh.

Well, that's not true. You know, I could pull a "Bagger Vance."

What? See, I could cozy up to whoever

their Matt Damon is. Oh, God.

And it's like I'm teaching him about golf,

but really, I'm teaching him about life.

Mm. Just to add on to that, that's a stupid idea.

Okay. Gregory: But to add on to that,

that is a really good movie.

It's Will Smith's best performance.

"Seven Pounds" is sitting right there.

Are you kidding? I like "Elf."

That's Will Ferrell.

Yeah, Jada's husband. No.

Alright, so let's get back on track.

I like "Wild Wild West." I think that's his best movie.

We can move on now.

It is so good, it has its own line dance. Yeah.

No, no, you're thinking of "Men in Black." Unh-unh.

No. Tariq: Okay. Alright.

Wait, "Wild Wild West" has its own line dance?

"Does it have its own line dance?"

Well, alright. Go, Barbara. Hey!

See, here we go. Now y'all done got her started.

I literally... I have a gavel. I literally have a gavel.

Uh, yeah, so, I got this gavel

specifically for the PTA meetings, you know?

I wanted to be like, "Hey!"... bang, bang, bang, bang...

"Meeting adjourned," you know?

But I have yet to use it

because, uh, like most group functions

that take place in a Philly school gym,

every PTA meeting ends the exact same way.

Hey!

Ah, ah!

The US Constitution established the framework

for our government and included the Bill of Rights.

But have you guys ever heard of Draco?

The wizard or the rapper?

Well, maybe the best way to describe him

is through a little rap of my own.

Fine. Fine.

He created

the Draconian constitution,

and he wrote a harsh legal code

that doled out one-size-fits-all punishments to establish order.

That sounds like my mom.

Okay. We will pick this up next time.

Make sure you finish reading that chapter.

Hey, Brandon, why are you scratching?

He dirty.

No.

What do you have on your arm?

Oh.

I'm so excited for our double feature tonight.

I was... Ooh! Movie night.

Care for a third wheel?

Oh, it's a Jegory thing?

Don't want to make it a Jegoracob party?

No. Your call.

What are you gonna watch?

"Dune" followed by "Friday."

Yes. I've seen "Dune: Two"

and "Friday After Next."

Now it's time to see the prequels.

Mm. Oh, actually, uh,

speaking of big worms...

and trigger warning, hashtag gross...

one of my students in the first period has ringworm.

Welp. There he goes!

Chin up, Janine. He lasted longer with you than I thought.

Whoever's in charge of sanitizing this place

needs to be fired.

A kid has ringworm.

Ringworm?!

Jacob, come here. Yeah.

Nope. Get back.

How do you know it's ringworm?

Did you touch it?

Of course not. But it was clearly an itchy red ring.

And the nurse isn't here this week,

so I just sent him home and sanitized every surface.

Both: That's not enough.

Jacob, ringworm

is an elementary school's... worst enemy.

Maybe you can keep those older kids from touching each other,

but if... one of the little kids get it...

Both: All of them get it.

Both: One... two... three...

Banana! Kindness!

Thank God.

Last time ringworm broke out,

we lost half the staff and students, too,

for a week. Mm-hmm.

This is horrible.

Oh, yeah, well, this is worse than horrible.

I got a date this weekend, Jacob.

Did you ever stop to think of that?

And the guy's got a hot tub.

In-ground!

What's the relevance of that?

I can't with this virgin.

Barbara: I had ringworm once.

My second year of teaching.

Ugh, it was awful.

But thank God I've got immunity now.

Barb, you can't get immunity from ringworm.

Maybe you can't...

but I did.

Look, circling back to how I did nothing wrong here,

I went beyond district policy.

I sent him home before the end of the day.

Okay, well, I have a plan that will guarantee

that the ringworm doesn't spread.

I also have a plan. Okay.

First step... contain the spread

by keeping certain special students separated.

Isolate the contaminated. Alright.

We're going to monitor student behavior...

Perform ruthless surveillance.

And we'll want to do individual-based learning.

Put them in solitary confinement.

Um, that sounds intense.

Yes, it really does.

Okay, look, there's nothing to worry about here, guys.

It's been handled. We're fine.

Well, it better be handled, Jacob.

A hot tub.

In- -ground!

Hey. What's up?

Are you gonna open the door?

Have you washed your hands recently?

I'm gonna need a verbal yes. Gregory!

Why are you so freaked out by this?

I mean, you teach first grade.

It's not exactly a germ-free zone.

This is a fungus, Janine.

It's a whole ecosystem.

Fungi are like sharks, okay?

They're beautiful, elegant,

but something to be respected,

nay, feared.

Honestly, you're weird if you don't agree.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Okay.

So, this isn't a totally surprising side of Gregory,

but it is a bit of a new layer that I haven't seen before.

He really hates ringworm

maybe even more than pizza.

But we all have our quirks.

I'd really be way more concerned if he loved ringworm,

'cause I don't think I can get past that.

And he shouldn't ask me to.

Ah.

There ya go. See, one of my quirks

is getting carried away with my own hypotheticals, so...

Brandon, what are you doing back at school?

I sent you home. Wait here, kids.

I tried to go home, but my mom sent me back.

"Dear Mr. Hill, I know that's wrong."