Mandy

Hello, my name is Mandy Carter, and I am from Radcliffe in the north of

England, and this is my application to go on your mission to Mars.

LAUGHTER

I'm currently unemployed, erm...

Zis woman is amazing.

..I became interested in extraterrestrials...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

..I'd love to see if there are any living on the surface of Mars...

LOUD LAUGHTER

..and so I believe I will be a valuable asset to your mission.

Let's not waste any more time on this.

No.

That is the last one.

Now we have some, ze six ordinary members of the public

who will be trained to go to Mars,

and amongst them is one that will actually go.

Would you like your tea now?

Yes!

But it is a little stuffy in this room.

Can we switch the air conditioning on, please, bitte?

Thank you.

Pia, can you contact these applicants and inform them

they have been successful, they are through to the next stage?

Dr Gould, may I have ze word?

Yes, Eva.

Zis mission - it must work as millions riding on this.

It vill, it vill, I have made sure of zis.

I have told you, Eva, please take eine chill pill.

"Following your successful application to the Mars mission,

"we have the great pleasure of offering you a place

"on the programme and hopefully a trip to the Red Planet

"in the near future."

Oh, my God, I'm going to Mars!

I really like these new jeans.

I think I might get another pair.

Lola, I've been chosen to go to Mars.

Oh, congratulations, Mandy.

You must have made a real impression on them.

It's a gruelling application process.

I'm so excited.

Are you sure about this, though, Mandy?

Yeah. Well, you know, haven't looked into the details yet, but they say

I'm going to write a new chapter in the history of mankind.

SNIFFLING

Why are you crying?

Why do you want to go to Mars?

You didn't enjoy Eastbourne.

This mission will be very dangerous, Mandy.

What if you don't make it?

That's a chance I'm going to have to take, Lol.

Just feel like this is something I have to do.

You know, not just for me, but for future generations.

ROUSING MUSIC

There is no dream so great that it shouldn't be chased.

I choose to go to Mars not because it is easy,

but because it is hard.

Also, it'll get the Jobcentre off me back.

Hello and welcome to Mission2Mars.

The TV reality show with an out-of-this-world prize.

Six weeks ago, seven candidates started their Mars training,

and one immediately stood out.

Despite failing every other test,

Mandy Carter proved unexpectedly resilient in the centrifuge,

easily coping with a massive 10G...

..a force no-one with a central nervous system has ever survived.

And with most of the other contestants eliminated,

yesterday came this shock announcement.

You're ze final two.

Ve vill make our final selection tomorrow.

Now go home, study your training manual, get some rest.

You vill need it.

"Congratulations.

"You are now the owner of a Space X 3000 Mars launcher vehicle."

As I wandered across the surface of this forbidding planet,

some strange, unearthly creatures appeared.

After watching them from my hiding place,

I decided they would do me no harm.

ZAPPING

FUTURISTIC MUSIC

SHE SNORTS

So, after some training and elimination,

we are now down to our final two contestants.

Dr Gould, have you selected a winner?

Yes, thank you, Konnie. In fact, we have.

Going to Mars, and receiving a year's supply of WD-40 -

courtesy of our sponsors WD-40 -

is...

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

..Mandy Carter!

A year's supply of WD-40?

It's, like, one can.

Are you certain that she is the perfect candidate?

Yes, she is ideal. She is so stupid she will play ze balls.

But if she won't do it?

Don't.

SHE GASPS

Zen we will send a monkey or something.

Mandy, how are you feeling about the mission?

It's a huge task to pilot a rocket to Mars.

It's going to require all your concentration.

No, I think it's all done with big magnets.

Yeah. And the big question on everyone's lips -

how are you feeling about the fact that

this is a one-way ticket, of course?

You what?

I'm not coming back?!

It is a one-way ticket, we thought you understood.

Oh, I've changed my mind. WHAT?