Schitt's Creek

A POP Original Series

Alexis:

Agh!

Agh!

Are you sure you don't want any help with that?

I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase

way smaller than this when we were crossing the border

between Laos and Vietnam,

so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.

Ooh, I can't wait to get to the Galapagos and like,

breathe the sea air and get my...

Beach curls back.

Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple times.

Are you still trying to close that thing?

- Agh! - Boys, it looks like

I won't be able to see that wedding venue with you today,

your mother's had a bit of a relapse.

Take it the "Crows" movie is still shelved.

I'm sorry, we've started looking at wedding venues

and no one chose to tell me?

Touring a wedding venue is an incredibly intimate thing

and we wanted to keep it small.

You invited Dad.

Okay, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, Alexis.

Moira: John, something's happening!

Coming, Moira. Don't make any sudden moves.

Okay, you should probably stay here.

No, you shouldn't-Okay.

John, remind me to reprimand that latch,

it's been awfully moody today.

Well, good-good morning, Sweetheart.

Look who's come to see you.

Finally. I'll have the continental breakfast

with the fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice.

- - Orange Pekoe tea.

No, Moira, Moira, it's-it's David and Patrick.

Um?

Don't we have something we want to say?

Yes, thank you, John.

Sadly, I won't be able to squire you

for today's wedding venue peregrination.

You invited Mom?

She's literally been asleep in a closet for a week.

Just know that missing this

will be the heavy-hearted part of my day.

Okay, does nobody care that I'm going to be gone

for six months?

Yes, of course we care, Honey.

Don't we, Moira? - Take me with you.

Okay. On that note,

I think we should get you out of the room.

Alexis, you are more than welcome

to come see the place with us. - Thank you.

That actually works out super well for me

because you guys can just drive me

straight to the airport after. Hm-hm-hm.

- See what you've done there? - Yeah.

Mhmm. Out. Out, out, out.

John! Can you turn off your alarm?

David! I've asked you not to over indulge

in that smoky cologne,

it's enough to give someone a seizure!

Is someone vaping?

Oh no, not now!

Help!

Alexis!

No, this is not, this is not how I go!

Somebody help!

Moira!

Oh, Stevie, thank God.

I'm being annulled by a chancy door clasp!

Okay, hang on.

Ahhh!

Okay, all right, all right, okay.

Up, up. There we go.

Jeez, Moira, I wait 'til at least 10:30

before I have my first beer.

Oh, my legs are in slumber. Carry me.

Oh I can't...

Oh jeez, okay. Hang on.

You know, Moira, if Johnny locked you in that closet,

we're going to have to call the police.

Oh wait, wait, wait, wait. My babies...

- No, your kids aren't here. - My girls.

- What girls? - My girls.

Lorna, second from the left. - Okay.

If she takes on smoke, she'll never recover.

- Okay, this? This one? - And Cindy!

Cindy, below her. Cindy, I just gave her a blowout.

Wow. This place looks nice.

Yeah, it's the only venue for miles

that doesn't look like a crime scene

from a missing person docu-series.

Uh, so no one thought to tell me

I still have my show makeup on?

I thought that was a choice.

Yeah, I left Stevie double-fisting drinks

in a hot tub at the cabaret wrap party last night.

I think I saw you triple-fisting at one point.

Ah, welcome to Elmbridge Manor,

and you must be the happy couple.

- Oh no, not quite. - God, no.

Oh, ladies, I'm so sorry. Congratulations.

- Champagne? - Oh, thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Mhmm, hi.

David Rose. I'm the one getting married

and this is my partner, Patrick.

- Hi. - So.

Gentlemen, please forgive me. I looked at your friend's face

and thought someone had just come from her make up trial.

Now, if our grooms and the...

uh, other couple would like to follow me,

I will begin our tour. - Wonderful.

You look great.

All of our catering is provided

by the neighbouring farm.

We have fresh cheeses, breads, meats.

Oh, now I do apologize if the peonies back there

were a little overwhelming,

it rained last night and they just bloomed.

It's perfect.

David, I know you've made me relinquish most,

if not all of the wedding planning to you at this point,

but for what it's worth,

this place is beautiful.

- I think this is it. - Mhmm.

I think this is it, guys!

See, David?

Imagine if I wasn't here for this moment.

Mhmm, okay. Glad you're here.

So, do we have a winner?

If you're happy, I'm happy.

We have a winner, Clive!

- Yes! -

It's a hell of a story, Johnny.

So I'm next door, I'm cleaning the bathroom

and I want a snack.

So I grab some of those jail time toaster pops

and I put them in the toaster,

and suddenly there's a fire. - Oh, Roland.

Why do they call them toaster pops

if it says on the box, "Do not toast"?

How mercurial is life?

We all imagine being carried from the ashes

by the Goddess Artemis

and here I get a balatron from Barnum and Bailey.

Okay.

I, I have no idea what that means,

but it doesn't sound good.

Okay, I'm gonna go to lunch.

Gotta get this burnt toaster pop taste out of my mouth.

Excuse me.

Moira. I'm just glad you're okay.

Hm.

And first thing in the morning,

I'm going in and I'm fixing these latches.

No need, John.

I have been gifted a smoke signal

and you will never again find me back in the closet.

Well, why don't we take this one step at a time?

This may come as a shock to you, dear, but...

I don't believe my career has been that kind to me.

- What? - I all but perished

in the name of an unrequited love

for an industry that has burned me over and over again.

It's been difficult watching you go through this, Moira.

I know you'll want to fight me tooth and nail, John.

It's time my career took its final bow.

Now, if, if...

if that's what you want, Moira,

just know that I'm here if you need me for anything.

Oh, I have never needed less.

Shall we take lunch outside today?

- What a great idea. - Lay a blanket somewhere!

If you're feeling up for it,

I mean I, I, I know you're still a bit shaken.

That's just it, John, I have never felt more lucid.

I'll fix a basket.

And I am including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat

we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.

Okay.

Okay, smiles over here please.

Ted wants to know what we're doing.

Okay, like, a little less eager and maybe one without Stevie.

No offense. - All right. Alexis,

could you put the phone down?

You're gonn be spending six months with Ted,

I think the two of you can chill for a minute.

Okay, this is our pricing guide.

Starting with our gold, silver, and bronze packages.

But, as you'll see,

we can really accommodate almost any request.

- Are these in dollars? - Hm.

Okay, um...

is there a package lower than the bronze package?

Perhaps a copper package? - No,

we can't accommodate that.

Did you not ask to see the prices in advance?

They don't provide...

We don't provide pricing in advance.