Scrubs

That's new.

Oh, yeah. My girlfriend gave me a watch.

You give a crap? Or are you just hoping

that by pointing out something new of mine,

I'll segue the conversation into talking about something new of yours, like...

Your new pre-pubescent Miami Vice beard.

There are those who say I look like a young Kenny Loggins.

- Who? - Me.

Time to go teach the new interns.

They started a week ago and they sucked.

This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contralateral side

is consistent with which syndrome, Rodney?

There was Katie, the self-centered climber...

McConaughey's.

McConaughey's.

McConaughey is not a syndrome.

He is, however, one of our finest working actors.

I recently learned how I could lose him in ten days.

Katie is sabotaging you, I assume, because she knows the answer.

Brown-Sequard Syndrome.

Yeah, Katie got it.

There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.

You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can,"

because, at this stage, there's nothing we can do about it.

Let's take a walk, sunshine. I...

And there was Ed.

Ed, did you finish those case reports last night?

I totally was gonna do it, man,

but I was on this Lost fan site last night, talking to this chick.

About an hour in, I realize it's a dude, messing with me.

- I've been there. - Revenge time.

I signed up for a new account, HotGirl99.

I start flirting with this dude,

I'm like, "Oh, hey, I look just like Kate." And he's totally into it, right?

Next thing you know, I got him to agree

to a personal meet-up here in the hospital,

where he'll be holding a red balloon.

- Wait a minute, you're HotGirl99? - Yeah.

The new interns all suck.

Yeah, but I'm going to handle it.

Like you handled Jimmy, the overly-touchy orderly?

- Somebody looking for me? - No, Jimmy, we're fine.

All right. Let me know if you need anything.

Okay.

Have you noticed he only touches above the waist now?

You're welcome.

You know, our intern class was the last good one.

You must have liked my class a little, seeing as you almost married me.

Yeah, but, hello, Keith. I didn't.

That was harsh, but no one cared because today we were meeting

Dr. Kelso's replacement as Chief of Medicine,

Dr. Taylor Maddox.

She was smoking hot, so first I had to see her like this.

I wanna be your lover baby I wanna be your man

I don't want no other baby Want you again and again.

And I've waited all night long Now I know what I wanna do.

I just wanna make love to you.

Hi. Hi.

But then I noticed how friendly she seemed.

She had the most infectious smile.

No one could resist it. And I mean no one.

- No. - Yes.

Never.

Here it comes.

Clear.

Brava!

Yes!

You proud fool.

Okay. I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about me.

One, I have an open door policy.

Two, if you do your job well, you're great with me, okay?

And three, I don't like spiders.

So if you see one, I want you to stomp it.

I want you to stomp it dead, okay?

I don't want you to put it into a little cup and take it outside,

because it'll just find its way back in, okay? They're sneaky.

Oh! Can someone help that man to his room?

Oh, no, I'm not sick.

I'm just cold and there were no chairs.

I'm... I'm a lawyer.

Of course you are, sweetie.

I'm on it.

She's the new boss, Ted.

You okay? Does it hurt here? Or here?

How about here? Or under here?

Do I know you?

Jimmy, heel!

- Slowly move. - No. Jimmy.

Slowly move. Don't rush anything.

- Jimmy. - Gonna be okay.

Breathe deep for me. Real slow. I just wanna feel you breathe.

Yeah. That's a boy, that's a boy. That's a boy.

Here, breathe on my face.

I can't do this all on my own.

No, I know

I'm no Superman.

I'm no Superman.

Okay. Time to connect with the new Chief

using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.

- Is that your boy? - What's that? Oh, yeah.

His name is Sam.

I have a daughter of my own.

It's working.

Now, seal the deal with a follow-up question,

but nothing too personal.

Did you deliver vaginally?

I did.

Big girl. Must have hurt.

Wow!

Hi, Mr. Hicks,

so you were admitted to the hospital with shortness of breath?

- Yes, that's right. - Okay, so I'm just gonna...

Die! Die! Die! Sorry, spider.

I'm just gonna take you up and get you a full-body scan, okay?

Yeah.

And there she goes.

A Chief of Medicine working one-on-one with a patient?

Maybe she's not so bad.

I think she's probably a jerk.

- Why? - That position attracts jerks.

Plus, I know jerks. Hell, I married a jerk. I divorced a jerk...

- New freckle. - I'm interrupted by jerks.

Look, just give me two minutes with this Maddox

and I'll know for sure whether or not she's a jerk.

Well, go.

Pass.

I know people are down on these new interns,

but everyone's teachable, you know?

- Even Jo. - Who?

I like to call Denise "Jo" because she reminds me

of that street-wise, mannish girl on Facts of Life.

You know, Katie's cutesy and blonde. You could call her Blair.

Blair is stupid.

Blair is perfect.

But now I can never use it in front of Turk,

or he'll say, "You're welcome" in that really smug way of his.

Okay, let's gather round for rounds, get it?

"Round for rounds." You can use it.

Our first patient is presenting with.

Biliary colic and...

Ed, would you mind...

Would you mind turning off the beeping if you're gonna text?

- I'll turn it off. - Thank you.

Upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo?

- I know! - Course you do, Katie,

because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you, ever.

But I didn't ask you. I asked Jo.

Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so...

Quick side note. When a patient's eyes are open,

that usually means that they're awake.

Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher. You look very beautiful today.

- Doesn't she? - Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.

Yes. Yellow like the sun.

- Ed, stop texting! - I'm not texting.

I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts.

There's a difference.

Okay, well, do that more later, when we're together.

Jo, you were saying?

I'm guessing Mrs. Gallagher probably has...

Cholecystitis! She has cholecystitis.

- I'm gonna cut your throat. - Okay, that's enough, Jo. You too, Blair.

- Welcome! - Damn it!

If you want, you can call me Tootie. I don't think it's racist.

Oh, fine. I'm Tootie and I know how to go on the web and bit torrent.

You probably shouldn't be texting while you're leading rounds.

- I'm... This is his phone. - It's not my phone.

W. T.H.?

Oh, fine, it's not your phone? Hey, want a phone, buddy?

No.

All right, listen, I want you to run some renal function tests on Mr. Hicks.

Can you do that, or do you have more questions about my vagina?

Lie!

No.

Dr. Maddox, I just wanted to say

how excited I am to be working with you.

Katie is such a kiss-ass.

You mean mini-Elliot?

What? That's what everybody's calling her.

It's probably just because we are both blonde

and have perky boobs.

Or, it's because she is incredibly whiny and self-involved,

and you, Barboo, for the last year and a half or so

have been the most self-involved and whiny person in the galaxy.

What nobody understands about me...

Point proven. Thank you.

Okay. - Suck-up's back.

You're abrasive.

That's enough, Blair.

- Welcome! - Damn it.

Okay. Listen up, guys.

I gotta go take care of Mr. Hicks, so I need you guys to watch the floor.

Check every patient and switch out any lines that need changing.

Monitor Mr. Lombardi's blood gas

and intubate him if he starts getting acidotic.

Work as a team. You'll be all over it.

Let's have some hands in, okay?

Somebody has some very soft hands.

- I sleep in gloves. - Right on.

Okay, nobody die!

Nobody die!