Monk

"As you can see,

"I have decided to redesign the homepage... again!

"As the greatest detective in the universe would say;

"you'll thank me later.

Love to all, Marci."

Bye-bye.

That's better.

Oh, Brian! Brian!

Victory is mine!

Oh, man! Thought I had you.

You almost did.

Debbie?

Debbie, honey.

Brian's here. We're gonna watch the Giants.

Maybe she went out.

No. Her car's still here.

Debbie?

Oh, my God!

Debbie!

Debbie!

Brian, call 9-1-1!

Oh, baby!

Are you Marci Maven?

Do you own a dog named Otto?

You're damn right she does.

That beast of yours killed my wife!

I warned you about him!

Mr. Ringel, please. We'll take care of this.

What's going on?

There was an attack earlier today

across the street.

Oh, today? No, that wasn't Otto.

We're gonna have to take him in, ma'am.

Where's the dog?

Yeah, I really don't think it was him.

Bachelor Auction? What?

Yeah, people bid for you.

It's fun. It's for charity.

Now this side's crooked.

When you're up for reinstatement,

it'll look good on your record.

Plus, it's for a good cause.

Police widows.

It's always the widows.

Why can't they just move on, you know?

Everybody's doing it. The captain's doing it.

Don't you wanna be a team player? No.

Don't you want to appear to be a team player? Sure.

All right. How about this?

You give me $600.

When somebody bids on you, I'll bid against them.

I'll outbid them.

You'll outbid them? That's a good plan.

That's a great plan.

How do I get my money back?

No, you don't. It goes to charity.

Let's keep thinking.

Oh, God!

My God! Natalie!

It's that girl, that Marci Maven,

my crazy fan.

Oh, hey, Marci.

Oh, Natalie, hello.

I need to speak with Adrian.

Sorry. You just missed him.

He's, um...

uh...

he's getting his hair cut.

I know he's here.

Okay, he left at 8:00. He came back 35 minutes later.

And besides, he only gets his hair cut

every first and third Tuesday of every month.

He's behind the door. I can smell his shampoo.

Pantene for dry hair.

Listen, I really need to speak with him.

It's important. I'm in trouble!

Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci.

You said it was a matter of life or death.

But when he got in the car, you locked the door

and tried to drive him to Corpus Christi.

It was Thanksgiving!

What does that have to do with anything?

Listen. It's different this time.

My neighbor got killed!

They're blaming my dog. Somebody's framing my dog!

Okay, Marci, then call the police.

I did. They don't believe me.

Okay, Marci, Marci! Sorry, can't help you.

Oh!

Is she gone? Yeah.

Oh! Hey, Adrian.

It's me, Marci Maven.

Next up, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.

Who wants to take this handsome stud home, huh?

Captain Stottlemeyer plays guitar

and claims to be quite handy around the house.

Do I hear $300?

$300!

Okay. Okay, here is $600.

But don't spend it all if you don't have to.

Do I hear $400?

$400.

$400 going once...

$2,000!

I have $2,000.

Going once, going twice,

sold to that very generous woman

in the leopard shirt.

What are you doing?

I am buying six hours with my man.

He hasn't left the office in two weeks.

That's a lot of money. Damn right.

So you had better be worth it.

Ladies, say hello to Randy Disher.

Born in San Diego, now a homicide detective.

Enjoys home-cooked meals and long walks on the beach.

Should I take this off?

Um, no, that's... Okay!

Do I hear $300?

$300!

$300. How about $350? $350!

$400. $400!

$450! $400? $450!

$650!

Come on, $750. $800!

$850.

$850!

Going once,

going twice...

Wrap this boy up. He's sold.

All right!

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Cameron Meyer.

Randy Disher.

Well, Ms. Meyer.

I guess you're the boss.

What'd you have in mind?

This is Sam.

He wants to be a policeman.

I thought I could just drop him off

and he could follow you around.

Yeah!

Yeah, sure. That'd be, uh...

That'd be great.

This is gonna be a lotta fun, huh?

Next on our program

is Mr. Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk

is a former homicide detective

now working as a private consultant.

He has worked on many famous cases.

Let's start the bidding

at $200.

Do I hear $200?

Ladies, this is a world-class detective.

Maybe you have a husband

or a boyfriend who needs following.

Maybe you can't find your car keys.

$200.

I have an opening bid of $200. $250!

I have $250. Do I hear $300?

$300.

$300.

$350! $350.

$400?

Come on, ladies!

$600!

We have $600.

$600 and, uh...

Hold on, hold on!

Uh... $34.17.

$800.

$800!

Do I hear $850?

$800 going once...

$5,000!

Mr. Monk, you cannot bid on yourself.

$800 going twice... Wait, stop! No.

No, no, no. Okay.

Somebody?

I'll do anything. I'll do anything.

Look.

Beefcake.

Beefcake.

Please. There was a restraining order.

Sold...

to the very determined,

very mysterious girl in the green.

Okay.

Nice going. All righty.