I Wanna Be a Criminal

Emily, I can't hold it in any longer.

You have no real purpose, no direction,

no drive, no passion.

By this time, I expected you to figure out

what the fuck you were gonna do.

Even if I have to drill it in your head,

you will figure out what you're gonna do with your life.

On this day, your birthday,

it changes for you, my daughter.

This is the day you grow up

and seize life for what it really is.

I bought this for you.

This book holds the key to finding your passion.

This book's helped me through some really tough times,

so I definitely think it can help you

become less of a loser.

Here, happy birthday.

Can I blow out my candles now?

Emily's house.

Emily.

What time are you coming in today?

Same time I always get there.

Always with the one liners.

So what time?

3:15.

Okay. Remember, have a smile on that face.

The parents are always watching.

Hello?

Isn't it your birthday today?

Yeah.

Nice.

Turning 21 finally, huh?

Nope, just 20.

Oh. Bummer.

Weird.

Emily.

Good morning, Charlie.

Same to you, neighbor.

So how's everything at school?

I graduated, remember?

Oh, well then, how are things at work?

The same.

- Boyfriend? - Nope.

- Girlfriend? - Also no.

Well, I heard it was your birthday. Happy birthday.

- Thanks. - 21 finally?

No, just 20. And I'm sorry, but I got to go.

Oh, well before you go, I baked this cherry pie.

Would you like some?

No thanks, Charlie. Bye.

Okay, you're awesome.

You've got a great job, you get to work with kids,

and you get to tell people what to do.

Hi, Connie. - You are disgusting.

You're a bad instructor.

I like Willy better than you.

- Amelia, hey. - Hi, Willy.

Ow. I think I just got kicked in the face.

How could you let him get kicked in the face?

Look, I didn't mean to kick him in the face.

Why can't you be more like Willy?

Emily, how's it going?

Stop looking at me like that.

Ow.

You're an idiot.

You suck.

Emily, my office!

What's your job, Emily?

To teach karate.

Okay. But what's your other job?

To recruit new students.

Sure, but what's your other other job?

I don't know, why don't you just tell me?

That's not how...

Okay, I'll tell you.

You are responsible for cleaning, right?

Yep.

And that includes the toilets, right?

Yeah.

So then why did I find this rubber duck

stuffed down the toilet?

I don't know, that must have just happened!

I expect 100% efficiency, no excuses.

If you can't do that, then I'll just have to let you go.

You'd fire me because of a rubber duck?

I'd fire you 'cause you didn't get the job done.

Well maybe if Willy just helped me out a little bit.

Willy has a disability.

He's colorblind!

Don't take your anger out on Willy, okay?

Got it.

Now take the rest of the day off, unpaid.

- Bye, Emily. - Bye, Willy.

God, I love that girl.

She's the best.

Success doesn't find you, you have to go out and get it.

But first, you need to know your why.

Why do you want to accomplish your goals?

Once you know your why, you can start focusing

on actually accomplishing things,

and then you're one step closing to answering

those two important questions.

What do you want, and how do you get it?

It's not gonna be easy, but persistence breaks resistance.

You can't let people tell you what you can and cannot do.

You are

Does a killer stalk suburban South Florida?

Learn tonight. Killer in the suburbs.

I bet he never has to worry about getting fired.

Freeze.

You'll never take me alive.

No, I'm not that desperate.

Hi, my name is Rony Tobbins,

and this is my book, "Unleash Your Limitless Mediocrity".

If you're reading this book,

there are only two questions you need to answer.

What do you want and how do you get it?

Get out a notebook and write these questions down.

Now!

Hey Emily, what are you drawing?

Just some bad guys.

What kind of bad guys?

Just some criminals, I guess.

Criminals?

Yeah, I want to be like them one day.

You want to be like a criminal?

Okay, well, whatever you are in life,

you just try your best to be the best at it, okay?

Mom!

Emily, have you drawing in the street again?

This one's pretty good, but you know I don't like

you drawing in the street 'cause you could get hit by a car.

Mommy?

Is that really what you want?

Well?

You're Rony Tobbins.

Yes.

- That's not possible. - Of course it is.

Anything's possible if you work hard enough.

And personally,

I think you'd be wasting your potential, Emily.

How would you know?

I know everything about you.

Okay. Then why are you here?

To do this.

Ow! You can't do that!

Ow! Why?

Because you need to get it together.

You need to take your goal and go after it

with confidence and vigor.

But I don't have a goal.

That was just a hypothetical exercise.

I can't just up and become a criminal.

Yes you can. Don't you see?

That's your problem. You need to believe in yourself.

And with my help, you can accomplish anything.

Okay, but I'm not even sure being a criminal

is something I really want.

It's just a fantasy.

What do you like about criminals?

They're free. They do whatever they want.

- Do you want to be free? - Yeah.

Say it, say it. I want to be free.

I want to be free.

Do you want to become a criminal?

Maybe.

No, you need to give me a solid answer.

You know why you want to become a criminal, right?

Why do you want it? - To be free.

So do you want to become a criminal?

- Yes. - Then say it.

I want to be a criminal.

With vigor. Again.

I want to be a criminal!

Again!

I want to be a criminal!

Excellent.

So now what?

Well, if you want to become a criminal,

then you should start by looking the part.

So, what do you think?

Maybe a hat.

There we go.

What now?

Now you need to find a mentor, an expert criminal.

Where are we gonna find someone like that?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Of course it is.

We don't even know if there are any criminals in here.

Emily, success doesn't find you.

You have to go out and get it.

No point arguing, I guess.

Hello. Is anyone in here a criminal?

I am.

That was easy.

So, you're a criminal?

Yeah.

What's the worst crime you've ever committed?

Well, I robbed a convenience store once.

What'd you take?