Fantasy Island

- Hey, Christine, it's your favorite agent.

Miles has met with Martin

at the "Morning Show" in New York.

It's not gonna happen. I'm sorry.

I know how much you wanted this.

They just want younger, longer,

Meantime, Kira's going to send you

the name of my new facialist.

She does wonders.

Damn it.

- Morning. - Is everybody ready

to get some butts out of some beds?

You're too damn happy.

- Cheerful is a choice. You should try it.

- Well, I like to save it for the camera.

- Oh, don't be such a Negative Nancy.

What am I smelling?

- It's cloudy with a chance of sprinkles.

I got chocolate. I got glazed. I got--

There is a rule.

- Pink frosted for the lady? - No food on set.

Unless it's part of a segment.

- And we're live in five. - No bagels, no pizza,

no birthday cupcakes, no donuts.

- Relax. He's just trying to be nice.

Three. Two.

Good morning, Phoenix. I'm Christine Collins.

And I would love to be bringing you

the breaking news right now,

but instead, I am smelling donuts.

Our new 25-year-old weatherman just wants to be liked.

So now I get to spend the entire broadcast

thinking about donuts.

Let's go to traffic.

- Aren't we all trying not to eat donuts?

Aren't we juicing and cleansing and cutting out dairy

and cutting out carbs? It's hard enough

to get through the day on protein powder and spinach.

I do not need to be tortured by the aroma

of a chocolate eclair.

And yes, oh, I know, he's trying to be nice.

But it's not nice.

You know what would be nice? Sleeping in

or not shooting my face full of medical-grade poison.

And you know what?

It would be great to eat a donut.

But I'm supposed to be thin and perky

and perpetually quaffed.

Forever young. I give everything.

But it's not enough. It's--it's--it's...ha.

It's never enough.

All I am asking is that you do not make it harder,

because it is hard enough already!

- Okay. Looks like somebody needs a vacation, huh?

We'll be right back with back to school looks for less.

Come on, let's get ready, Mr. Jones.

- ["Bag Of Tricks" by Ms. Triniti playing]

I'm Elena Roarke,

and this is my island.

Like my great uncle before me, I make fantasies come true.

What is your deepest desire, your most heartfelt need?

The Island knows even if you don't.

My family have been the guardians of this island

for generations.

Our mission--to transform the life of every guest.

Smiles, everyone.

Captain.

- Roarke, you've been avoiding me.

Hmm. To avoid you,

I'd have to think of you, which I haven't.

- I'd just like you to admit that we had a moment.

- Oh, we had a moment. - Mm-hmm.

- But it passed. - Set myself up for that.

The guests are waiting.

Welcome. Welcome.

How are you? Hi.

Ruby and Mel Akuda, this is Ms. Elena Roarke, your host.

- Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Akuda.

You must be so tired from your trip, huh?

- Yeah, we're pretty well tuckered.

Especially Ruby, she--

- Thrilled to be on this island.

Yeah.

- And yes, we'd love to freshen up.

- Of course. Yeah, Ash will get you settled in your suite.

I'll meet you later. Enjoy.

- This is Christine Collins, fresh from Phoenix, Arizona.

- Ms. Collins, I'm your host Elena Roarke.

- Wonderful to meet you. Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess.

It's okay. We'll fix that.

- I'm--I'm-- I'm smelling donuts.

- Remixing my epic meltdown has become a national pastime.

- Well, if it's any consolation,

this blue looks fabulous on you.

So tell me, what can the Island do for you, hmm?

My fantasy is to eat

and eat and eat and eat.

And when I leave here,

I need my body to look exactly the same.

I see.

- That's not possible. I knew it.

- No, no, no. It's absolutely possible.

But this is Fantasy Island,

and I can make your most outrageous wish come true.

And that's what you want, a buffet?

My first job was at this tiny little station in Amarillo.

I loved it so much.

I was so proud of my dream job.

One night, I went on a date.

I had a slice of pizza, had two beers.

We split dessert.

Two days later, I got my first letter from a viewer.

She was worried because I had gained weight.

And she was sure that meant

that I was having some kind of personal problems.

So I have been hungry ever since.

I was just wonder...

is it food that you're hungry for or something deeper?

I have a therapist. Thanks.

I came here for cheeseburgers.

Let's get started. Ready?

A chocolate truffle.

If I gain one ounce-- - Not one ounce.

You have my word.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

[New Perspectives' "Hit the Spot"]

Oh ho ho.

Oh, I can't believe it.

- Having fun, Mr. and Mrs. Akuda?

- Oh, just call us Mel and Ruby.

And yes, we are.

I swear the sun feels different here.

- Oh, the water is bluer. The air is sweeter.

And yes, the grass really is greener.

- I might not need a fantasy. - Well, the Island disagrees.

You know, if you're here,

it's because there's a reason for it.

So tell me, how did you hear about Fantasy Island?

- Well, we still get the newspaper,

the kind that's actually on paper.

- We saw this little ad with a phone number.

Something inside said call, And here we are.

- It's an honor to help people like you.

Mel, Ruby, what can the Island do for you?

- Ruby has, uh, she has cancer, pancreatic.

I'm a goner.

I'm so sorry.

- Our fantasy is to make her feel healthy again

just for a few days.

She spent so much of her life caring for others, for me,

our kids, our grandkids.

I want her to have a weekend that's all about her.

- And what does that weekend entail?

- Dancing, walking on the beach, wonderful food.

- Now, Ruby, I need to be clear.

Even I can't cure your cancer. I wish I could.

I know that, sweetheart.

I'm looking for a fantasy, not a miracle.

- Most people don't realize there's a difference.

This map leads you to the place where the fantasy will begin.

- Thank you for this. It means the world to us.

It's my pleasure.

And welcome to Fantasy Island.

- Look out now. Don't want you to fall and break a hip.