Archer

I am the target.

I am the target.

I am the target.

Then go already!

Ya big... bag with which one douches.

I'm sorry, what's that?

I can't hear you...

Over the sound...

Of my deafening awesomeness.

Women... Oh, I hate him so much.

Three hundred bucks, ladies!

Come render the salad unto Caesar!

Whoa whoa whoa! Huh-uh!

We're still in the lead.

Well yeah, but just by one.

Yes?

And Cyril's got three throws left to get two measly points!

For the win. Exactly.

Are you shitting me?!

Will you shut up?!

Ignore him, forget those first two darts, and just find your center.

Maybe it's in your vagina...

C'mon, Cyril! Whassa matter?

Can't perform under pressure?

I... Could you repeat that, please?

Onomotopoeia.

O, N, O, M... O, T, O... Pee?

Geezie Petes.

You idiot!

How could you miss that?!

How could he not?

He's Cyril!

C'mon ladies, I'm buyin!

Way to go, Chokely Carmichael.

Hey Pam, wait up!

C'mon, get me drunk enough, and I might have sex with you.

Really?! No, it's a Catch-22.

The amount of alcohol I'd need would literally kill me.

But I do wanna see how many pool balls can fit in your mouth.

My record's three...

Come on, buddy...

You want a drink?

Not even some vinegar and water?!

With friends like that, eh?

Hm?

Your friends.

Well, they're not really my friends, we just work togeth...

Oh, hello...

ISIS, you said?

I... No, I didn't say that. Well, somebody must've.

Champagne?

George, by the way. George Spelvin.

Cyril Figgis. And thank you.

Neh, thank me tomorrow... After Cyril Figgis saves the day.

I dunno what Mother's so mad about, but... God, Pam, would you hurry up?

Would you shut up?!

Frickin head's poundin, I'm sweatin booze, and my mouth is killin me.

You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.

Personal best!

Your mother must be so proud... Yeah, oh wait, she's dead.

And what's up with your mother?

What comes after infuriated?

Great, that's what I need, coming off a blackout drunk.

Yeah, the last thing I remember was... I don't know, were we super-bitchy to Cyril?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Great, now he's gonna be moping around like Droopy Dawg on downers for...

Morning, gang!

Jeez Archer, what's got your mom so darn worked up?

This! Krieger?

And the damn thing is spreading!

To every computer in the office!

Do you think this is funny?!

Do you not?

Nobody can do any work!

Yeah, so can we go home? Absolutely!

Right after you idiots de-worm the entire computer network!

How're we supposed to do that?!

Well, I could take a crack at it... Don't! Touch it!

Cyril!

Go do whatever it is you do... Like suck at stuff.

And leave this to people who are more qualified.

At not sucking at stuff.

Cyril, beat it!

Krieger is on this!

I think.

I mean, least I have a... Hunch, hunch!

What, what?!

Ahem. Inappropriate.

What do you mean?

No, I mean the first part worked.

I snuck into the mainframe last night, after all the champagne and the, uh...

Handjobs.

Yeah, The twins are quite fond of you.

I loaded that into the mainframe... Splendid!

Then open your dish!

But part two, where I use your secret code to kill the worm and kinda,

be the hero for once, that didn't happen.

Don't worry about it, open your dish.

No thanks... Cyril.

I got that specially for you, and quite frankly you're insulting me.

Now open.

Your dish.

Sorry George, I didn't mean to be... George there's money in there!

Oh good, for a second I thought they'd brought you chicken toes or something.

George why is there money in there?!

Cyril, I've been... just a teeny bit less than honest with you.

Oh no... No now, it's nothing sinister.

I design computer security systems.

CIA, MI-6, ODIN, all the biggies.

You... must be pretty good at it.

Too good, that's the problem.

My systems can't be hacked, so now I can't convince anyone to upgrade.

Which is why I designed this.

And thanks for helping me test it.

If it's that easy on an XL-9 network like the one at ISIS,

I think I can convince my clients they're at risk.

Wh-? ! What kind of risk?!

Not from this! It's just a cute little pirate.

But it shows there are... flaws out there that can be exploited.

By bad people.

Trust me, it's for the greater good.

Yeah, I guess... it just seems Look, if you're uncomfortable

taking the fifty grand, I'll just... No no! Fifty grand?

- Wow... No, I mean, as long as it's for the greater good... - Oh, it is.

And as long as I can still, ya know, swoop in and save the day...

OK...

That might be a problem.

Ya think?!

I do.

Because now the worm is in the mainframe databanks, and...

Dammit, Pam!

Sorry!

I was just checkin to see if it's still doin it!

Of course it's still doing it!

"Hunch, hunch!"

What, what?

Pam! That's not me!

Yes it is!

Pam, I swear to God...!

Yeah, quit screwing around, Pam!

This is serious. Very.

Because if the worm gets into the mainframe's encrypted files...

Holy shit! The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there!

So what?

Because most secret agents don't tell every harlot from

here to Hanoi that they are secret agents!

Then why be one?

"Hunch, hunch! What, what?"

Just turn off the mainframe!

Yeah, we tried that... Then how is it still on?!

Because the worm has transformed the mainframe... into a sentient being!

What?!

I'm kidding, there's a battery backup.

Yeah. Over there.

Behind about two tons of steel, and one electronic lock.

Which is controlled by the mainframe.

Well what genius thought that up?!

This one.

Sorry!

And where the hell have you been?

On agency business.

At the bank.

Sesame Ginger Savings and Loan?

What's all this?

This, is the backbreaking work we've been doing, while you were getting takeout

from your stupid Chinese bank!

Every single one of these has to be wiped, reformatted, the whole shmeel.

What? But it's just a little cartoon pirate!

Was. But it mutated, and now we're like, on the brink of World War Two.

Three.

It's not a competition, Pam!

Well, is it or isn't it?!

I don't know! I mean, the mainframe thinks they're nuclear missile launches,

but it's so screwed up... "Hunch, hunch! What, what?"

Sorry!

Case in point, there's really no way to be sure.

So what am I supposed to do, just look out the window?!

No, you don't wanna be anywhere near a window.

Same thing in a tornado.

And they can't even turn off the stupid mainframe because

some stupid battery thing is in some stupid vault.

But they don't need to turn off the... Darn it, I can fix this!

Oh please, he couldn't fix... dinner.

He doesn't need to, with a bank like... Not a real bank.

Dammit!

Sorry... But I have no idea how to open this thing.

Not really my... legerdemain.

You mean bailiwick?

I dunno, whatever, look out.

What're you... Archer, no!

For the love of God, man!

You massive ssshole!

I'm sorry, I thought that would work!

Really. No, look at that thing.

It's like it's made out of Wolverine's bones.

You know...

Cause they're...

Does nobody read X-Men?!

So hey, how about I take a crack?

I bet I can kill that pesky old worm.