Archer

They're wheel-to-wheel coming out of the last chicane,

the Frenchman DeVoe making a run at Bivens for second,

but they won't be able to catch Bell as he takes the flag and

Oh! It's a great start to the qualifying heats here at the Monaco Grand Prix!

- I beg your pardon? - Your room, madame, is no longer.

- But I had a reservation! - Oui madame, mais c'est le Grand Prix.

I don't care if it's a Wehrmacht reunion party!

- This isn't my first Grand Prix you know. - Excusez mon amie, elle est fatiguée.

- Et mal élevée. - Sans doute, mais vous avez

- une réservation pour moi, non ? Lana Kane ? - Non.

- See? - What? Et pourquoi "non" ?

- C'est le Grand Prix. - And so where are we supposed to sleep?

- Voilà. - No. I am not sharing a room with you.

No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel.

- No view, but it's got two queens. - Where's the other one,

- greasing up in the bathroom? - Malory!

- You know what? - Guys, hey. Ray, this is fine,

- two of us will just have to double up. - Exactly, two of you.

- What? Excus... - I am not sharing a bed.

It's bad enough Lachouffe made us schlep all the way to Monaco for...

whatever's on that damn disk. Which had better be worth this splitting headache.

- Yeah, help yourself. - Well, it sure better be worth four

- million bucks, which is... where? - Oh, Sterling has it.

- What? - You turned Archer loose in a casino

- with four million dollars? - Oh, don't worry.

He may be a vain, selfish, lying, and quite possibly

alcoholic man-whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.

Guess he's too busy doing all that other awesome stuff. Thanks, Mother.

Oh shut... Why isn't there a metal briefcase full of bearer bonds

- handcuffed to your drinking arm? - Uh, pretty sure you just answered

- your own question... - Sterling, if you left that briefcase

in some cathouse, I swear to God...

Relax! The money's totally safe, on deposit with the casino.

- Wh... - That way they comp everything.

I call it the Sterling Archer Triple-A Power Play, and yes,

- the A stands for awesome. - Did you get a receipt?

Of course, I did. Obviously... I did that.

- Now if you will excusez-moi... - Ah, Monsieur Archair !

If you will please to follow me to le suite royale,

where I took a liberté to ave a woman waiting in your jacuzzi?

- Yes I will! Good work there, uh... - Benoit.

Sorry.

So-sorry. I was laughing at your name.

I mean because you know what it sounds like, right?

- Oui, monsieur... - Sounds like ben-wa balls,

Benoit. Balls. See? I can't even say it without saying balls.

- Say your name. - Benoit.

- Balls. See? Physically impossible. - Does monsieur require anything else?

Yes I do! Benoit, balls. Monsieur desires more champagne,

steak frites, a post-jacuzzi female companion,

and for somebody to get up here and fold his towels into swans.

Or actually not these towels, some thicker ones. As thick as possible

- while still being swan-shape-foldable. - Bien sûr.

And when will monsieur desire to try his luck at the tables?

Wow, what's French for "broken record?"

Pardon, monsieur, but as I said, the Suite Royale is reserved for...

- Sterling Malory Archer! - And there goes my erection.

- Hi Mother. - We're switching rooms.

I want my luggage up here in three minutes.

Impossible, madame. My bellopps ave been taken prisoner by the Wehrmacht.

Now you just listen to me, bub!

Madame! The only way you will ave zis suite is over my lifeless corpse!

Pairaps zat will teach you to insult ze proud nation of Monaco!

Now if you will excuser moi, I must go find fresh towels and a whore.

Hey Benoit, Not too thick on either, O.K.

- Happy? - Yeah, except for my gun's all soapy.

- Pretty dumb taking a bath with it... - Sterling I'm warning you,

if one red cent of that money is missing when we make the exchange with Lachouffe...

- It won't be! Everything's comped, mother! - Because they expect you to gamble!

Which I'm not going to do, duh!

- Mother, I've done this tons of times. - Wh... With ISIS money?

No. But four million seems pretty steep for...

- What's on that disk, anyway? - None of your beeswax.

And the price is irrelevant,

because you're going to steal it back after the exchange.

- Oh. - Duh.

And you have to steal it back because I, um, slightly borrowed it.

Umm, slightly from where?

What in the world...

Oh no, oh no no no no no... Paaaaaaaaaaaaam!

Also irrelevant.

Because you're not going to screw this up, are you?

Aaahhhhhhh... no. No I am not Mother.

- You better not. - Oh my God, oh man,

that was fun. Thank you.

Seriously, not many women could bring me to orgasm in front of my mother.

I wouldn't think.

Four million dollars, gone!

Every single account has been wiped out!

- All except Ms. Archer's! - And how does she have

two-point-three million damn dollars in her 401K?

- that a lot? - Maybe not to you, Glenda Gotrocks...

Stop calling me that!

- Stop being a frickin jillionaire! - Make me!

Zip it, you two!

Now, we've obviously been the victims of identity thieves...

- Which is funny why? - You think it's just

a coincidence Mr. Archer took four

million dollars to Monte Carlo?

- Huh? What? Where? - In bearer bonds, whatever those are.

- Shitsnackin crackers! - That thieving bastard!

He, he's gambling away our retirement money!

What?

Lady Luck, monsieur,

she awaits your passionate embrace!

I'm kinda passionate-embraced out right now, after the tub-snorkeling.

In the jacuzzi of yourfree suite,

in which monsieur desires to remain?

Uh, yes, yes he does.

Bon! Zen I wish you bonne chance!

I can't, I don't have any chips, thanks Radar.

Umm, okay...

Monsieur ? Le minimum, c'est deux.

The minimum is two? Okay, here...

- Bonne chance ! - Thanks Benoit, balls,

- I don't actually... - Banque !

What happened? What is bonk,

does that mean I... Lose?

Hang on, that was... Wait, how much are these chips worth?

Twenty-five grand! A piece!

- Bonne chance ! - Hey, hang on! Benoit! Balls!

So I uh, need to get that money back.

Shit. Or whatever, merde.

- Le grande! - Okay what's that mean,

do I Win? Really? Just like that, fifty grand?

Okay, let's do that again!

Huit... Cinq... Zéro.

Oh my God, this is like taking candy from a...

candy-hating baby!

Speaking of candy, I'm gonna be here a while, gorgeous,

so bring me a fifth of Glengoolie Black and a bag of gummi bears.

You want anything? Gummi bears all around.

I'll eat hers if she doesn't, um... have teeth. Okay!

Lets play some god damn cards!

Yes! No! No no no no no!

God damn it woman, wipe that grin off your pie-face!

He's killing me!

- I'm gonna kill you! - No!

Ray, stop it, I can feel a hot streak coming on,

- just gimme a... - Here, take this?

No thanks, I'm not thirs... Ow!

- How much. - Uh, well it's hard to say, really, maybe...

eight hundred thousand?

- What? You lost eight hundred grand? - Oh. No, remaining.

Pardon? Merci. Here, take these?

Ray, I said I'm not thirs...

Tee! Ow! - Three-point-two

- million dollars? - I've been really streaky, Ray!

I was up for a while, then down, then

up for a really long time, but then...

You've only been here twenty minutes!

Wow, seemed way longer than that...

And I thought you didn't gamble!

I don't! I mean not since...

I had a really bad experience one time...

Umm... hit me? Busted!

And now all the candy is Mother's...

Cause crybaby hit on seventeen again.

Like an idiot.

Why was I dressed as Hitler?

Why do you do anything you do?

Archer, when your mother finds out...

No! Ray, you can't tell her! Or Lana! They'll...

- think less of me. - And I won't?

- I don't care what you think. - I'm telling your mother.

- Telling her what? - Your son...

Shhh, no. Come on.

Is drunk.

Who're you, Carrie Nation?

But my God, Sterling look at your clothes!

Just how drunk are you?

- Oh for the... - We're meeting Lachouffe in two hours!

I'll clean him up, try to get some coffee in him.

Make sure that's all you put in him!

Im sorry, what?

Keep it in your pants, sister.

Yeah, yuk it up...

Wow, all these years, I've never seen Archer like, drunk drunk.

- Have you? - Once.

Can't play cards, can't drink...

- I don't feel good. - What the hell good are ya?

- Oh God. - Why was he dressed as Hitler?

Anyhoo. Ooh, I think I see a duke!

- Ugh, what. - Nice...

Glad you can still be snotty, while Archer's gambling away your

- 401K! - My what?

- Tell her I said hey! - Shut up, and ours too! Everybody's!

Archer wasn't gambling, he was just drunk...

Lana, did you hear me?

- Cet imbécile, il jouait ? - I thought you spoke French.

Jusqu'il a perdu trois millions.

- Oh. Shit. - Cyril tell her I said...

Idiot! Stupid stupid stupid idiot!

I... look, I said I was sorry!