Grace and Frankie

Day seven of moving on from Sol.

I'm going it alone. I'm not responding to texts, emails, or calls.

Today he sent me a photo of a Corgi wedding,

but I did not write back.

In truth, I had to suppress a powerful urge to text him back

that Corgis are the preferred mode of transportation for woodland faeries,

so I practiced my laughter yoga which I will demonstrate now.

Ho ho. Ha ha ha.

I gained another pound today,

but I think it's a pound of knowledge.

Ho ho ho, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm now ready for today's big step.

It will be hard, and I should have a nurturing friend nearby,

but Grace, of course, is out with Guy.

This is the unbroken circle,

or the thing that has no beginning and no end, or some other shit like that,

but today its life on my finger is coming to an end.

Finger, there, be free. Be free.

- Be free. -

Excuse me, you're ringing. I must get you.

- Hi, honey. - Sorry I haven't called back.

It's been really crazy. And double sorry, I only have a minute.

Pull out your Beatle wig. The Fab Faux are in town Saturday.

- I know how you love their Ringo. - Aw, you're killin' me, Mom. I can't.

- We're throwing Dad's bachelor party. - Oh, right.

- - I'm really sorry, Mom,

and I'll make it up to you

next time Candace Joplin is in town, but I have to go.

I have to go, too. I'm having a party right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right there with the dip.

Where's Kevin? Hey, Kevin!

- -

Last time we came here for brunch, you basically threw a bagel at us.

Today there's pumpkin pancakes and syrup in pitchers. What's up?

What? We're officially a family now.

Yeah. We just want our sisters to enjoy a nice breakfast.

What do you want?

What we want is for you to eat and enjoy and...

- Help us throw our dads' bachelor party. - Ah.

Well, first of all, isn't that more of a best man thing?

We're having a little trouble realizing their vision.

They want classy and elegant,

turns out we don't know as much about that as we thought.

To be fair, we never thought we knew that much.

It's a bachelor party, it's not supposed to be classy and elegant.

It's supposed to be crass and tacky.

- That's what I said! - It's not what they want.

So we're going to give them classy and elegant... with your help.

It's easy. We have one signature cocktail, three passed appetizers,

prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, turkey meatballs,

maybe those little tea cups with the matzo ball soup.

That's two references to balls. They'll think we're making a joke.

- When is this party again? - Saturday.

Ah, are you fucking insane? We can't throw a party in less than a week.

- We can't do it! - Martha... Martha...

It's gonna be okay. Guys, you can't do this to her,

and first of all, I think you do want to make a joke about balls.

I mean, it's a bachelor party, but they're gay men,

so it should be like a wild bachelorette thing with penises and balls

and party games where you're pinning penises onto balls.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes! - But we can't do that.

They said they wanted a party that reflects who they are.

Of course, they could have told us that before I sent out the Evite

with a cowboy in assless chaps.

- See, now that's a party I will go to. - We will help you.

- I am so busy. - I will help you.

Thank you.

But first we need to make a list.

Before that we need to make a list of all the lists that we need to make.

- I'm gonna put us all in a group text. - Can I just say,

this is a fairly elegant spread.

Yeah, well, we paid our neighbor to cook it for us.

You may want to look out for cat hair.

- Got a piece on it right there, actually. - Oh, God! Get it.

- What are your plans for tonight? - Oh, not much.

I thought about crocheting myself a noose,

but I can't decide on purple or pink.

So you're not feeling better.

No, I was coming out of my psycho-physical Sol withdrawal,

- but then with tonight... - Is this about the bachelor party?

No. I'm happy those fuckers are gonna have a good time.

Oh... I hate seeing you like this.

- Then go out. - No. Come on. Let's do something fun.

No, no. Don't worry about me. Just go pick up Guy at the airport or something.

He's a grown man. I'll tell him to take a cab home.

You are in need of some serious cheering up.

I'm not without cheer. I'm a little down.

It's an honest down, and since you're so up,

there's a homeostatic balance.

Come on, Frankie, what do you want to do?

- I don't know. Nap. -

Tweet a sad haiku.

You like to liberate the lobsters from the tank at the Food Giant.

Ah, the fish guy knows me. My picture's next to the shrimp.

Okay. You want to go to the art museum and touch the paintings?

- I did that last week. - I'll do anything. I'll drink beer!

- I'll wear a hat! - A funny hat?

- A funny hat. - I always like a good say yes night.

Remind me again what that is.

You go out and you say "yes" to everything, all night.

There's no "no" until it's over.

Sounds lengthy.

You know, say yes takes you places you've never been.

One time Sol and I ended up buying a Del Taco franchise.

How did that happen?

A guy asked us, "Do you want to buy a Del Taco franchise?"

- - We had to say yes.

Well, we'll stay away from that guy.

You know, just thinking about it cheers me up a little bit.

- There you go. - Let's do it.

All right!

? And the spear goes through the meatball Till it hits the plate?

? And you don't eat the meatballs Coyote?

- Good boy. - These Soljitos are great,

but those Robertritas... Satan's work.

Mm, the secret is the jalapeño tequila.

Okay. Don't pour too many. These are presentational.

We can serve the real ones when people get here.

- - What the fuck?! Someone's here?

Seriously... you've got to bring it way down.

- - I'll get it!

No, I wanna get it. I love parties!

- Nelson. - Nelson!

- Nelson? - I can't believe it.

You came all the way from Utah. I am so tickled!

You know me, Robert. I like a good party.

Well, you're welcome. Let me take your coat. Can I get you a drink?

- A scotch would be great. - Okay.

Actually, we have Soljitos and Robertritas,

but those are just presentational. Come, I'll make you a new one.

Follow that handsome young man.

And you're welcome.

Why is Nelson Queller here? He wasn't on the list we gave the boys.

Well, I know, but we were emailing, and I felt bad, so I invited him.

Look, I didn't think he would even come.

- You know how I feel about that man. - All right, but he's been good to us.

Remember, he took us under his wing at the firm.

No. He took you under his wing.

He still thinks I'm the hippie Jew with the black son and the communist wife.

What about your drug-addict son... Nothing?

- Ha. - Look, Nelson's not a bad guy.

I mean, didn't he come all this way just for us?

He's not the person you think.

Wait a minute. Is Nelson why you didn't want any ribaldry tonight?

We both didn't want it. It's not our style.

No, it's not, but with Nelson coming,

it's a good thing our party is squeaky clean.

- What's your point? - My point is

I'm suddenly in the mood for a penis balloon.

No. You're just saying that because you can't have one.

Maybe you're right.

It's our party, and nothing's going to bother me.

I have a drink named after me. I'm going to get a Soljito.

I have one named after me, as well.

Why does Nelson think that I am a drug addict?

Can you go explain to him that you are the addict and I am the black one?

All right, guys. My work here is done. You guys are set for a great party.

- What? - You're not leaving!

We don't know anything about hosting a party like this.

Yeah, we're no classier than we were five days ago.

You guys, I gotta go. My actual children need me, okay?

The text chain is still alive if you need anything.

Bye, Dad. Bye, Uncle Sol.

Bye-bye, sweetheart. Thank you.

Frankie, are you ready to go out?

Yeah.

- See. This-this is part of the problem. - What, I shouldn't eat?

No. It's your outfit. Stand up.

Well, there's a few crumbs.

Yeah, turn around. Here's the thing,

you can't start a new life in old clothes.

How am I going to steal the garnish dispenser from the bar?

We've already got two.

You have a waist and hips!

And... Let me just see here now.

And... even breasts!

Look at those girls! Welcome to the world.

- Oh, my Lord, sexy and gorgeous! - I'm not arguing.

Let me get that beautiful hair up off your neck,

and oh, Frankie, you've even got cute ears!

- I do? - Yes!

- Let's go. - No, you can't go in chip clips.

That's just a demonstration.

- I'm going to dress you tonight. - Oh, no!

- Oh! You have to say yes. - Oh, heavens to Betsy and back!

- You're right. - Yeah.

- Well then, yes. - Oh, this is going to be fun!

Oh, but if you're gonna dress me, I'm gonna dress you!

Uh-oh, this is gonna be fun!

- Oh, we look fabulous. - I feel ridiculous.

Well, I'm going with it. I love this antigravity bra.

- Cleavage. - I can't believe I'm not wearing a bra!

- Jiggly, right? - And a tee shirt at night.

The only thing I hate are these shoes.

- Do you get used to the pain? - No.

There's the sign.

- This is the place you picked? - I haven't been here since forever.

It's dark, it's dirty, it's got urine-soaked sawdust on the floor.

- Ew. -

This is where I got in my first knife fight.